Today

AFTERNOON

Guess what: Winter Clerkship! Yay!

There are only two firms in Adelaide that offer to second and third year students, and I will be working at one of them for three weeks in July. I'm pretty happy.

The one that I'll be with (let's call it Firm T) actually seems like the better firm, in my possibly biased opinion (I didn't even get to the first stage of assessment in the other one *cough*). Well, Firm T had a much more rigourous selection process - before we even saw the face of anyone in the company we had to answer all these questions about our communication style, personal interests, motivation, experience in non-law related fields, etc etc. One of their many application questions was something like, 'what, in your view, sets firm X apart from the others' and I wrote about how their thorough pre-selection questionaire showed what an awesome and detailed job they must do with everything, hahah.

There was then an 'assessment centre' thing which I was nervous about at first, because we were told it would be based around 'business scenario'. Aargh. Turns out the business scenario was not financial (which I feared) but administrative tasks. We had to work out as a group which hypothetical tasks to complete in which order if we were Person Y at a new company, and the action we would take for each one. It was stuff like: call Monica to reassure her of this, email Henry to plan for a presentation, prepare documents for Sally by the end of the day, etc. Plus do an individual writing task picking apart a bad contract.

I got through to the next stage which was a proper interview last Tuesday (with HR and a senior associate) and today I found out that I was one of the four people chosen for the job! I had a smile on my face that I couldn't shake for a while after that.

MORNING

I got to feel like a minda (or, let's say, tourist) this morning when I caught a train to the other side of town. I'm a bus girl, and had actually never been on a train in my own city until this morning. Had I lived in train-serviced suburb I may have been familiar before now with the station's walk-through ticket machines. You know, where you stick your ticket in, then the bars unlock, so you move through and grab your ticket where it pops out the other side? Yep, except apparently here the ticket doesn't do that travel-through-the-machine thing, it just pops in and out the same side. And then falls onto the ground. While you are already through and the gate has re-locked. So then you have to detour back around through the "family" bar-free booth to get your ticket off the ground, because hey, that's a multitrip.

Also: less-than-impressed by the train driver who sporadically mumbled the station we were stopping at. I situated myself near the station map so as to count the stops in between his announcements.

I was visiting a primary school with a deaf education unit, to research their perspective and compare them with another primary school. All went okay at first. I admit that when I asked his role and he mentioned he was an assistant principal, my initial feeling was woah! Big shot! Since when am I the kind of person to interview assistant principals and call them by their first name?

Unlike my interview with the first primary school, this man gave much more of a "linguistics lecturer" than "primary school teacher" vibe, going on about systemic functional grammar and metalanguage and so forth. We were almost done when something went astray. He asked me about the other primary school and I responded with probably more information than I should have (to do with an implied criticism of his centre) and I knew right after I said it that I shouldn't have. He seemed uncomfortable and annoyed, though whether at me or them I'm not sure, and wrapped it up curtly after that. Gah. From a confidentiality perspective it was a bad move, and probably tactless too.

Anyway, I sent him an email of apology that I began compose straight away on my (bus) ride back to town, and he responded kindly. All is all well, I hope. Eek.

LUNCH

I just want to mention the turning point between the bad-vibe morning and the good-news afternoon. I popped into the hostel to heat up some lunch, and had a nice chat with W and B. My visit also coincided with H's. H is a Chinese nurse who was a former cleaner/long term guest. W and I had put aside some mail for her recently, and she was excited to dicover that. H has, and I say this with affection, the most stereotypically squinty Chinese manner. She's around 40 years old and often wears a broad-brimmed hat with a drawstring underneath. When W pulled out a bundle of letters, she just about wet herself with excitement. "Ohhh, sank you W-! Sank you, sank you, sank you so mach!" She bobbled her head with each exclamation. "Ohh! Ohh!"

W started telling her about his grandson, who is only a toddler but big and tall for his age. H was loving it. "Ohh! I sink he is strong boy! He grow up vey big! Ohh!"

Overcome with excitement at seeing us again and retrieving her letters, H clutched my arm. "Wait here!" She ordered, and came back a few minutes later with a giftbag of chocolates for each of us. "You not here when I left! Only A- here! I no see you when I left!" Brightened my morning, H did.

A bamboo stick of thoughts

I think I've had this realisation before.
I cannot multi-task.
"Modern life" or whatever you want to call it, tempts us to multi-task, or maybe the better word would be multi-procrastinate. Normally I am the devil's advocate for anyone who claims the evils of today's society. But with this, I am on board with the naysayers.
Facebook. iPhones. Oh god, my iPhone. Everything 'more interesting' than the current task at hand is only a click away.
It was never impossible to procrastinate. There were always windows to look out of. Doodles to sketch. Daydreams. But now, with electronics and the internet, distractions are so close to the surface, so near. Got a spare second before starting law readings? How about you have a quick look at that new blog you found. Or, you know, read ALL THE ARCHIVES over an obsessive three days. Or that.
My habits haven't let me down in any major way. From an outsider's perspective I think I'd look like I was doing pretty fine. I have a good GPA. I seem to balance the different parts of my life well.
It's silly, to compare the 'success' of me-now to a me-as-kid. Small pond, big pond. But at the moment I miss feeling effortlessly capable.
This is from a passage about deaf children that I recently read for linguistics, that I wanted to skip back and read again and again:

"The normal hearing child has a constantly expanding linguistic experience and is constantly experimenting in his own use of it. He is bathed in language and we can safely trust that some of it will flow into channls of utterance." *

I don't anyone can produce their best at something until they're 'bathed' in it. At the end of listening to my con law lecture I tuned out and clicked onto facebook, because the lecturer had finished with the content and moved on to some kind of quiz about high court judges and historical moments. But, you know, (and I know this sounds stupid) when I was in primary school I dug that kind of stuff. I didn't separate the big picture from the facts I needed to know for the test. It was all knowledge, it was all interesting, and from being bathed in the big picture I ended up nailing the little picture stuff with no difficulty. Maybe I need to take some tips from my 11-year-old self.

It's not that I lack curiosity in general - it's the directing of my interest towards the topic at hand that I need to work on. I need to stop seeing my current uni work as stifling my interest for [insert obsession of the moment] and realise that its something I can engage with in itself.

And I do, sometimes. What begins as superficial 'work' often works its way into me, albeit slowly.

This is not the entry that I sat down to write. I was going to talk about pub crawls, lying in bed with DW, the awesomeness of limewire and new music, the affection I feel for the hostel and its 'characters' after hearing H describe situational mishaps.

Instead, I'll leave you with another passage.

"She could see it all so clearly, so commandingly, when she looked: it was when she took her brush in hand that the whole thing changed. It was in that moment's flight between the picture and her canvas that the demons set on her who often brought her to the verge of teas and made this passage from conception to work as dreadful as any down a dark passage for a child. Such she often felt herself - struggling against terrific odds to maintain her courage; to say: 'But this what I see; this is what I see,' and so to clasp some miserable remnant of her vision to her breast, which a thousand forces did their best to pluck from her. And it was then too, in that chill and windy way, as she began to paint, that there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father of the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs. Ramsay's knee and say to her - but what could one say to her? 'I'm in love with you?' No, that was not true. 'I'm in love with this all', waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children? It was absurd, it was impossible. One could not say what one meant." **

*M. M. Lewis, Language and Personality in Deaf Children
**Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

Sorry for the weird entry.

- khere was already the past.

Disrupting the Balance

Squawk squawk squawk.

I feel like that is what I am about to do.

If you have been following my conversations as of late (like, if you are my stalker, in which case this web page is the obvious thing to be reading), you might have noticed a recurring theme. Something like "So Rhino Room upstairs or downstairs?" followed by "What theme should I have for my birthday?"
Respective answers (but you already know them, if you're an attentive stalker): Downstairs, the cosier spot, with the rain-inviting beer garden! And Don't Know! (I have eliminated 'Traffic Lights' and 'Dress as me and the boyfriend' as potential themes).

After a mid-term break which I emerged from feeling like I needed another one to get done the uni work I had planned to achieve, these last few days have been remarkably productive. International Office! Humanities Office! Tutor's office! Mick's office at the Rhino Room! Office at the Courts Administration Authority! I've been seeing people, making those appointments, getting balls rolling. Woot.

Yeah, in fact I think I was only inspired to write this entry about that, so now that I've bragged I can probably stop writing.

No actually, the thought that was rolling around in my mind was something like this. My life is good right now. It's a comfortable place to live, a place that's open to promise and opportunities. That sounds cheesy, but its really kind of true. I feel lucky, and really do feel like these are the good years. Not that past years were bad, or that future years won'tbe better, but there's a good balance of the Myer-Briggs "P" (feeling happy having my options re. career and stuff still 'open', so I can get as much experience and follow as many interests as I can without having to rule anything out) with the "J" (feeling happy that I do have some sort of plan, and when I chip away to the core of that statemen, what I really mean is DW in my life).

I guess I'm worried that going to Germany will change that. That by sticking my hands in the current and breaking up the flow, I'm messing with a good thing.

In regards to DW at least, I know it'll change things and that's part of the reason why I want to do it. That sounds illogical, and quite possibly is, but my reasoning is something like: If I'm going to be with DW "forever"/"long-term" then I should travel now, because he won't be into doing that with me later (at least, not backpacker travel/extended stays/visits to countries that register beyond the first level in Smart Traveller). On the other hand, if I'm not going to be with DW in the long term then I should travel now, because otherwise I'd be sacrificing what I want to do for nothing. I.e. both potential paths --> travel now!

So, I've come to a sort of peace with that, and now it's not really DW I'm worried about. It's the horrifyingly fragile strings that hold my loved ones and I in health and happiness. What if by going away, I break those strings?

I know that's silly, that if bad things happen they'll happen whether I'm here or not. And yet.

A related topic is a question I had for DW the other day. "Do you think it's better to understand on an emotional level that bad things will happen to you, or just wait until they do?"

"You and your 'deep questions'," he said. "Uhm. You shouldn't let it affect your life, before things happen."

So staying awake late bawling my eyes out because bad things WERE going to happen to me and therefore a pretty likely bad thing would be for DW (or generic spouse) to die when we had a little baby or children, and I'd be all alone without a Life Ally and my baby kids would never know their daddy... crying about that because it's better to be emotionally prepared for it now, that's a silly thing to do? Right, sure. Just checking.

Well, that ended on a cheerful note, didn't it. In other news: H's 'Old Hollywood' party means I have an excuse to buy a nice dress, which means I am done with my self-imposed ban on spending in clothes stores, which means other items are sure to sneak into my wardrobe. Winter jacket, yay.

--khere is blacklisted in your mind.

Unequal weighting

Too much to say. Do I start with the bliz blaz, the Big, the sad?

BLIZ BLAZ

- Have been out to dinner 3 out of the last 4 evenings.
Friday: with mum's family. 'Cafe Bravo'. My cousin is pregnant with #3, woo! Not so mundane!
Sunday: with DW. The evening felt like a bonus, in that I woke up from a nap in what I thought was the morning, only to discover it was still 'last night'. 'Thai on Parade'.
Monday: with dad's sisters and that side of the family. 'Chopstix'. Turns out my aunt has not only met Oliver Sacks, but she interpreted a speech of his to a deaf audience, and has a whole heap of books about literacy in deaf children and stuff! Awesome resource for my linguistics research right here!

- On the topic of uni, it appears I've been accepted into the Arts Internship Program next semester, as I got an email suggesting that I should 'liase' with this woman after the break about a suitable placement. Yay =)

- Spent a somewhat bizarre evening at the hostel with M, drinking on the balcony in between my night and morning shift. He stayed over, sharing my room, and at some point in the night I *thought* he was being funny and trying to steal my bed (I had the double). Kicked him out, perhaps twice, half-asleep and unamused. Except, in the morning it appeared that that never happened, and either I was dreaming or he was bed-stealing in his sleep. So yeah. Fun times!

- Despite my late night at the hostel and the fact that I was woken up far too early by cricket and footy club guys returning from town, my 6 am trouble-shooting skills weren't bad. The white sheet on the stairs that was smeared with an ominous shade of brown was dumped in the washing machine with the kitchen rags and a large extra cup of detergent. The screeching lift alarm was fixed through skilful jabbing of the broken emergency button. The door to the disaster-zone bathroom was closed and marked with a closed sign. Ok, I didn't say I 'fixed' everything, but the people who I saved from venturing into that bathroom will never know what I did for them. Try not to have more alcohol than your digestive system can handle, folks.

- My soft touch with the disabled lift came in handy later in the day too. Wayne was decked out in a rain coat and wide brimmed hat and was running around with trolley-loads full of crates of bottles for recycling (that run-on sentence was totally a literary technique so you could appreciate the atmosphere). He called me from the bottom of the stairs where he was jabbing unsuccessfully at the once-again whining lift. "See if you can fix it! This lady's tried to operate it herself!"
I go down there and this blonde dazed-looking woman is standing there, all like "oh! sorry..." She has these two MASSIVE suitcases. She starts blathering about how she thought she could just use the lift, and as Wayne is heaving her suitcases onto the platorm (which I have now fixed and assembled for use, with the KEY that you need) she mentions that her boyfriend got "dragged off by the police" and that's why she's been "kicked out of the hotel room" and hence why she has so much luggage. "I don't know much about backpacker places," she says, still kind of vaguely. I then suddenly notice that she is seriously pregnant. "I'm having the baby in a week," she says, rubbing her belly. "Its a shame cos he'll probably still be in jail, my boyfriend, you know. Has to be in at least a week or something."
I nod and do 'oh? mmm.' noises as I slowly take the lift up stairs. Two guys come in and grin at me. "Can we ride on that?"
"Only if you want to go at this speed!" I say.
The woman tags along behind me. "You know, they really dragged him off. Was a bit scary, like. I hope the baby doesn't come early. I couldn't have it while I'm here. Yeah, hope he doesn't come early."
Me too, love!

THE BIG

It's almost embarrassing to read back how in every entry I've got a new plan for travel/life. But this one, this new thing is kind of the Real Deal, the Tell Everyone, the Apply-Before-Wednesday thing.
University exchange, to Germany.
I know. It had always been an option before. A few people had asked me if I'd thought about it, and I'd always said, oh well I've done something similar before. It's a lot of money. If I'm going to go overseas, I'd prefer to do more solid *travel*.
But then... I started to remember how it felt to be swimming in language. To be dissolved in it. How it felt to not understand, until the world slowly took shape in words and phrases around me. I remembered how big that high school exchange felt, and felt suddenly nostalgic for the intensity of feeling that was involved. Here I'd been with my world maps, lazily allocating 3 months of a year here, 6 months there. Those TWO MONTHS were pretty huge to me.
And then... I started browsing the Adelaide Abroad web pages, and researching partner institutions. I went to an information session. And there, I got: "You want to go to Germany? Awesome! The Baden-Wuerttemberg government might just give you a stack of money they call a 'scholarship' for no reason! But, catch is, you have to apply now! Second catch is, you might not find out that you get it until you're already on exchange! So, you wanna do it?"

I think I do. I'm sure I do. I wanna do it.

THE SAD

Well... there's no good way to say this. She was the mum of the girls that my sister and I grew up with, the girls who were the same age as us and epitomised everything primary school. The mum that carpooled for netball matches and helped E and I with our compering notes for The Festival of Music. The one who'd sit for a cup of coffee in our kitchen after dropping one of us home, who'd refer politely to using 'the facilities' before she left. The one who'd watch 'her boys' in a Crows match, who'd feed us Dunk-a-Roos after school, who once gave 13-year-old E and I a warning about boys and was a little taken aback when I chirped some comment about 'remembering to keep your knickers on!'

Back then, we were lucky, we were wholesome and whole, we didn't comprehend that it could be otherwise. E and I and our other mate were once the 'biggies', trotting together after school to the kindy where we'd pick up our sisters, the 'littlies.' She was one of the mums who made up the picture. She was one of our kind. She died, and her two girls are now girls whose mum has died. While our mum, our lovely healthy wonderful mum, just celebrated her birthday. It could have been us. I don't see E regularly anymore, though our sisters, those 'littlies', are still good buddies, in their last year of high school at different schools. I just wish those girls and their dad well on the most basic level. I can't believe their mum, their mum who was once very solidly alive and well, isn't here anymore. I can't imagine how they feel.

At this point in time...

The pace of life changes at this time of year. At first your body drag with the effort, unused to the speed. Before you know it you're buzzing and recharged. Then, just as quickly, overwhelmed.



I thought I'd give a brief wrap up of the State of Stuff.



WORK



Mad March. The month that swings me wildly between feelings of love and exasperation for my job. The best feeling is that of a hostel that's booked to the brim full of guests, who are all out enjoying themselves... elsewhere. Slightly less enjoyable: relentless demands of guests when I just want to close and get out of there, vomit stains on the wall and carpet when I walk in the next morning, personality clashes in too-full dorms, drunken Irish guys who insist on shouting the words along to 'Little Lion Man' at 6:30 am, fielding complaints about why the night staff didn't answer the phone, teetering on the wrong side of the how-full-is-full tightrope. Human error becomes critical. Got a voucher for tonight that we booked for Friday next week instead? Told us yesterday that you wanted to extend your accommodation, yet somehow nobody got around to making a note on the system? Oops! How do you feel about sleeping on the street tonight?

And things can only get more exciting: it's not even Clipsal time yet!

However, its invigorating in a way too, especially when you get it right. Carrying the baby upstairs for the stressed-out mum as she wrangles the four-year-old and his scooter. Hearing someone who'd presented at the counter with bed bug bites gratefully thanking you for your help after you breezily move guests from the room, wash all the linen and do the rest of her laundry for free, lend her the heavy-duty bug spray for her bag and call the pest control services. Realising that something like that would have once caused you stress, but now you take it in stride. Having someone say to you, after a long morning dealing with guests who were unhappy about the noise last night, interpersed with nagging from the guys whose iPod you confiscated to get rid of the noise (can't win!), "I just want to thank whoever it was that finally got those guys to shut up!" and being able to have a laugh with someone about it. Helping exceptionally friendly and appreciative Canadian guys with bookings, tours and directions around the city. Passing on the complaint about 'dripping mouldy food' to Victor - When he began to go off his nut about how it was just the fridge leaking, I successfully avoided hearing him rant by changing the tack to, "I know Wayne doesn't want to fix the leaks, but maybe you could move your bag to the bottom shelf - then nobody can blame you! Just trying to look out for you!" He sort of chuckled then, and was like "Ah, I understand. Complaint number fifty eh! I'm keeping a list!"

For all Victor's "quirks", I'm actually quite fond of him these days. It'll be a bit sad when we do finally seek the help of the Catholic church to find him more appropriate accommodation. Perhaps because Victor's such a pain when he's in a cranky mood, I find him strangely enjoyable when he's in a good mood. Lurking at the corners, he sees everything that goes on at the front desk, and is the only guest who I can tell really *sympathises* with the staff sometimes. An eyeroll at a tedious guest here, a request followed by a generous "-when you not busy," there.

"You here tomorrow?" he often asks, brusquely, peering through his lens-less glasses. If I say yes or no he responds with a nod or a sympathetic smile as required. Then he swings his bag over his shoulder and lifts one arm in goodbye. "See you next time!" He hobbles off to wherever it is that he goes, his ankles poking out at the bottom of never-washed jeans as he disappears down the stairs.

Last weekend was WOMAD, which stereotypically attracts the best kind of guest: those who are friendly, laid-back and somehow 'clean', jokes about dirty hippies aside. Clean in a way that old men, bogans and drunks aren't. Although there are still a few of those around.

Speaking of old men: Some well-dressed, grey haired gentleman booked into rm 23 before I started my afternoon shift yesterday. No worries. A little later, in my peripheral vision I see this person near the entrance to reception with unnaturally wide, drawn-on pink lips, broad shoulders, a tight dress and garish eye-make-up. Ok, someone who looks like a drag queen. Being Fringe time, there are a lot of interesting characters around, and because I am a dork I'm thinking "don't stare!" and preparing myself to not do a double-take when I see this person front-on (this is all within a split second). All guests are welcome, right? So I chirp, "Hello!" and give the drag queen a big welcoming smile. She/he sort of gives a faint eye-brow raise of recognition and scurries past reception. Looks like she's following - oh, looks like she's following the old man. Ah. Well. Isn't it nice when you find two unlikely friends like that.


Sometime later the man presents his room key to reception. Oh, he's checking out! He doesn't need the room for the night after all. Isn't it nice when something else just comes up! Meanwhile, his "friend" slips out the door. I ask him to return his linen, as is standard procedure. He puts up a fuss. "It's all there!" he says, meaning its all in the room. Yes, well if I'm going to have to touch those sheets I'm not bloody well making a trip upstairs to get them. You can bring your own semen-encrusted sheets down here, boy. Of course I don't say this. "Oh, that's strange that it wasn't mentioned when you checked in!" I say cheerfully, with an air of polite disbelief. "You actually need to return them to get your deposit back!" He grumbles some more then goes to get them. I guess when you're in a position to choose a backpacker's hostel as your den of hooker love, the lure of $10 is strong.


UNI


Looking like a good semester. Constitutional law, Lingustics (Language Learning), German and English (Modernisms). Lots of work but its all kind of different. I'm kind of planning to finish my Arts degree at the end of this year (well, by the end of summer school) so that if I want to, say, teach English in Japan then I meet the contract requirements.


LIFE

What else? H and S are back from India. H might be getting a job at the hostel which would be fun I think! I had a good chat with DW the other day about going overseas - I hadn't wanted to bring it up in case it caused problems before it had to, but I'm glad I did. He basically shot down a couple of my ideas (care work, outdoor kids' camps) and although I don't have to listen to his advice, I do value his opinion... and it also kind of helped me, because I wanted to make some decisions rather than try to 'do it all'. He was quite keen on the idea of teaching in Japan (i to i do contracts from anywhere between 2 and 12 months) and was even like, "I'll come visit you if you do that." Naw.

Winner of the 'air competition

Ten good things:

The Grace Emily on a Monday night: Open mic, eclectic decorations, sweet cider, and an elusive gathering of couch surfers which we never found. Meeting others instead - a guy from the UniSA Exchange Society who invited us to his upcoming house party that he was trying to "keep quiet" - only around 300 guests, all exclusive invites like us I assume. The English fellas we bumped into from the hostel, who filled me in with a bit of gossip from the last few days - I love talking about that world with people who know it too, because sometimes what happens in that building doesn't seem quite real once I leave. And the three mates who we spent most of the night chatting with, two of whom were down from the country where they worked on oil and gas rigs. Amusing guys. One of them was tempted to steal the moose head from the wall, but was stopped very promptly by not one but two Grace Emily staff. Go Grace Emily security!

Coming home to find a sleeping cat on my desk chair. Nothing says cosy like a sleeping pussycat.

Watching the Style Channel in pajamas with H and her sister. H knows all the shows. There's 'What I Hate About Me' where the surfer chick got a total life make over (learning to sleep better, getting over ex, new hair colour etc) in one day, 'Ruby', the overweight woman with the heart of gold, 'Clean House' and the best one, 'Clean House Comes Clean' where they reminisce about the previous episode of 'Clean House'!

The (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack, in particularly Regina Spektor.

Margaret Atwood.

The way DW jabs with concentration at the screen of my iPhone.

Cleaning my top desk drawer and finding that 4 icecream containers can fit perfectly in there and hopefully keep all that messy make-up, hair and jewelery stuff organised. Who needs fancy IKEA drawer dividers?

Looking through old photos to choose some for Mum's 50th. Weddings, babies, scruffy dogs in Christmas hats.

The Skyscanner website - browsing random dates and finding cheap flights between England and other places in Europe. Seriously cheap deals there!

Talking with H about our 21sts, both coming up in a few months. Looking forward to a few good parties!

--khere is the hero of this story, doesn't need to be saved

100 days within 6 months

...is the amount of time you have to commit to working for Active Assistance for the training course to be free.



Just talking to a British voice on the phone is giving me the itch to leave!



H is also keen to leave this 'bum town'. Hopefully we can coordinate some overseas travel together, when/if we both go. 3 things keeping me from caving to her requests and going on a trip now:



1. Uni. Semester starting soon, and if I'm going to plan to leave for 2 or 3 semesters then I don't want to miss any more than that, you know?



2. DW. Volumes could be written here.



3. Money. Well this is the main one, and perhaps the only real reason, because once I have the funds then I plan on dealing with #1 and #2.


"Dealing with". That sounds so harsh. "Overcoming the obstacles". Because a loving relationship is an "obstacle"?

I have finally managed to reconcile my two realities, into what sounds worryingly like a "life plan". I say worryingly, because naming a plan invites interference. However, it's better to have a plan than to have one side of my brain wondering about the logistics of when we have kids, at the same time as the other side of my brain thinks about leaving him. Because that's just confusing.

My end goal is to be with DW. With the knowledge that it's something that I've chosen rather than drifted into.

The first part makes sense, right? He's the best thing that I know. It might turn out that if I give myself a chance to find something 'better', I'll find it, but you know what? I think I'm pretty damn lucky. I think I understand when I hear people say, 'He's not Mr Perfect, but he's Mr Perfect-for-me.'

No, if I leave I don't think it'll be with the goal of leaving forever to 'find somebody better'. It'll be with the goal of coming back to what I suspect is the right man.

You could argue at me from both sides. If I want to be with him, why leave him? If I'm going to leave him, why bother saying how awesome he is and how I want to come back to him?

Here's the thing. DW was my first guy. I've never so much as kissed another (ok, one other). DW is the texting-in-between-classes, making-out-with-parents-in-the-next-room, eighteenth-birthday-party, cuddling-on-a-single-bed guy. At the other end of things, DW is the one I want to walk the dog with, furnish a house with, have a baby with. (You know what? When I thought we were going to break up, a while ago, I was in tears over the fact that he wouldn't father my children. That's, I don't know. Yeah.)

It's just the in-between stage that niggles at me. I don't want to jump from that first stage to the last, without anything else in between. I don't want to 'drift' into my life, I want to make a decision to commit to him, and an informed one at that. If I don't travel and have new experiences now for the sake of staying by his side I think I might come to resent him for that, and then nobody wins.

Aaanyway. Though well from done, this topic is premature. I shouldn't mention it to DW yet, since why stir trouble before you have to? If (when?) I leave, it wouldn't be for another year. A YEAR. That's a long time.

So. I've seen more movies since last time I posted. During uni time I'm notoriously bad for getting around to watching any movies - I tend to think, 'how could I commit to wasting 2 hours of my time in front of the TV! I'll just quickly check facebook and then get back to work' and then end up wasting 4 hours on the internet instead. So I'm happy to be getting up a reasonable tally here.

Bran Nue Day (seen with J) - bizarre! Huh. Made-for-TV, anyone?

(500) Days of Summer (downloaded by Dad)- good good. I liked the 'expectations' versus 'reality' split screen. Although, it caused me trouble when, after a moment of uncontrollable giggling while playing squash with DW, I tried to visualise myself taking the game seriously. Of course a split screen pops up in my head, with me being a squash star on one side and messing up serve after serve on the other side. That did nothing to curb my helpless giggles. I'll let you imagine which side of the 'screen' was accurate.

In The Loop - (seen with H) - funny, although you had to pay attention to keep up. Very British. Thumbs up.

A Serious Man (downloaded by dad) - weird. A bit too long. Not altogether bad, but not really... that good.

Dan in Real Life (borrowed from the library by mum) - nice film! Big nawws all round. Makes me want a big wooden house by a lake.

I'm going bowling tonight with my 'country' friend whose just gotten back from a month in Korea. Looking forward to it, we should have lots to catch up on. Will be good to see how the house party some other friends ended up after we left, too. (Now THAT was a good evening, complete with much Strongbow and chocolate licquer).

So, in short, it's time to eat some noodles and get moving.

--khere's kitchen rules.

Buff

Thanks to Christmas vouchers, generous Palace Nova offers, and my father's little downloading habit, I've seen a few movies lately:

The Lovely Bones (seen at the cinemas with mum) was bizarre. The part where the sister was in the murderer's house was thrilling and suspenseful, probably the best bit of the movie, but the end was just weird and felt a bit anti-climactic. Spoler: the girl's 'ghost' willed a killer icicle to knock the murderer over a ledge where he fell to his death. Really?

Sherlock Holmes (seen at the cinemas with H) was good, had a cool atmosphere to it (mm waistcoats) though felt long and a bit doze-inducing in the middle part. But maybe I'm turning into an old person who can't stay awake through movies. Further evidence of this tendency follows.

Up in The Air (watched at home with Mum and Dad) was also good, but I didn't expect it would be awarded so much acclaim. I mean, it was a good romantic comedy, and I like a romantic comedy as much as the next person, but 'best movie of the year', really? Then again, perhaps it made its mark in the final scenes, which I missed... a few pre-5 am morning starts and a too-comfy couch caught up with me because I did actually doze off during this one.

Avatar (seen in 3D with A and JY) started off good, dragged on the fighting scene way too long (embarrassed to say, another short doze may have happened, but I in my defence I probably could have slept through an hour without missing much) and then redeemed itself with a satisfying finish.

Invictus (seen with JG) was probably the best thing I've seen so far this year - sure, it was corny and predictable at times but it was easy to watch. Even though it was long I felt engaged every second, and everybody likes a happy ending. I liked that they showed the real people that the actors played, too - gosh, Morgan Freemon did an awesome job of playing Mandela. I had to look twice when they showed the real deal.
(Ok, so apparently South Africa didn't turn into a joyful harmonious land for ever after. Still. Nice movie.)

Transamerica (taped off TV) was interesting. It came a year or two ago so I won't bill it against Invictus for best viewing of the year, but I did enjoy it. For a movie with a controversial subject matter I can't really think of much to say about it: it just did what it did. Gender issues are always fun.

Soon to come... (500) Days of Summer, which Dad has downloaded for me.


I also recently read The Secret History (by Donna Tartt), which was the most addictive fiction book I've read for a while. I even bought it before reading it, which is not the way I usually roll. It was an $8 Penguin Classic, and I decided I should give the library a break and support cheap no-frills literature. I'm glad I did. The ending was a bit blah though. And I swear I thought Julian would end up being a more pivotal character. Oh well. Overall it was a good solid read.

Now I'm reading My Place (by Sally Morgan), which I began reading after finding it in the bookcase in Largs Bay and subsequently put on hold on at the library (there we go!). Haven't finished it yet, but it seems decent.

Garmin do you read me

I'm actually looking forward to going back to uni, although god knows I'll miss these empty days once I can't have them.

Because, guess what: I'm gonna rock with the organisation and shit this semester!

Yup! This is not those usual study resolutions that everyone makes at the beginning of the semester. You know, when delude themselves into thinking it will be easy to get up at 6:30 am and get a head start on the day's work, or plan for way too many hours that could be feasibly spent in the law library.

Like, see right here on my timetable where I have a whole three hours between lectures? Obviously that will be prime study time. Sure, I may take a stroll or eat a packed lunch but it's not like anything else will be taking up my time, right? It's not like previous semesters, when it's been frighteningly easy to sit chatting about non-law related things with friends, or log onto facebook on the library computers, or get up for multiple money-wasting excursions to buy coffee or lunch or look at the shops. How did I ever waste so many hours with that sort of rubbish? Not this semester!

And look at these days, where I don't have to be in town until 10 or 11 am. Imagine, I could do both exercise and law readings before I've even left home for the day! I hear there's a 6:30 Circuit class at the gym. Ah, not that I've ever been, but that's just because I'm yet to experience the supreme state of productivity that warrants a 6:30 gym class. It won't be long though. Come March, that'll be me.

--khere is a gold member

Guests

Victor: "When you have time, I need -" *holds out empty bowl of handwash soap*
Victor: "Tell me. How many are we?"
Victor: "Tell me. When he leaving?"
Victor: "Tell me. What is your rule on bed light. He always complain when I put it on, even though I have cover over it!"
Victor: "Tell me. Why we don't have camera in the room?"
Victor: *requires rubber band*
Victor: *requires plastic coin bag*
Victor: *requires torch batteries*

Victor: **long, bitter tale of woe about arguments over the bed light**
Me: (because I am trying to distance myself from V's many problems, rather than reinforce the idea that I am the one he can 'vent' to) "Well, that sounds annoying. But, that's for you two to work out. Part of living in a dorm room I guess."
Victor: "But mine is very dim! He wants me to use always my flashlight, eh? And when he wants to get up, he turns the big light on! Disturb everyone! Tell me, what is he allowed to do?"
Me: "I can't really make him do anything, especially not in the middle of the night. Sure that sucks. But, that's for you two to work out. Part of living in a dorm room I guess."

Victor: **long, bitter complaint about how we don't have adequate staff at nighttime**
Me: Well, we do have staff in the building. For emergencies. I guess it's up to them what they consider an emergency.
Victor: We used to have 24 hour reception! Under the old system! **long, bitter tale of woe about arguments over the bed light**
Me: If the night staff don't consider that an emergency, there's not really much we can do.

This goes on for a while.
Victor: So you're saying there's nothing you can do.
Me: *sad nod*

Rade: "PEN"
Me: *hands over pen*
Rade: "NO YOU WRITE"
Me: "What do you want me to write?"
Rade: "HUGGGHHERRRMARR" (something unintelligible starting with 'H', with an 'R' in it somewhere.)
Me: "How do you spell that?"
Rade: "I DON'T KNOW! DAT'S WHY YOU WRITE!"

Notes on the system:
Plz don't extend Rade. We kicked him out of Shakespeare.
Rade is up to his old tricks - sleeping on couch, hiding remote. Guests are sick of watching old movies all day!
PLZ DON'T EXTEND RADE. Guests have accused him of stealing their food.
Rade will pay on Thurs for 4 more nights. ref Wayne.

Nice guy: Rade's acting a bit weird.
Amit: Rade's fucking nuts.
NG: He keeps opening and closing the fridge. I think he's looking for something to eat. Maybe you should remind him that he can have some free rice.

This, I do. Rade is still in the kitchen, staring into the fridge. He has watery blue eyes, and has the demeanor of someone who has just fallen out of a spaceship into a foreign land and is both bewildered and unimpressed at what he sees here.
Me (kindly): Are you looking for something?
Rade: MY MEAL.
I remind him about the rice. The bewildered, unimpressed expression intensifies.
One of the Korean girls pipes up. "He looking for something," she tells me. "Someone take his food."
It transpires that he is looking for a yellow carton of milk, which looks identical to one already in the fridge, but is not that one. He has no intention to stop looking, and open and closes the fridge door a few more times.

Sometime later, I am sitting at the desk and Rade comes up to the counter. "I find my milk," he tells me, glaring. "One moment, it was not there, then I go away and it APPEAR again."
He stares at me for a moment. "Strange, ah?"
I say something about how he should just enjoy the fact that he has it now. "VERY STRANGE. Someone take it. Nothing safe here."

A few minutes after that, Brian comes to the desk and say that people have noticed Rade taking stuff that isn't his. "Some salt here, some bread here."
I roll my eyes and wonder if, when Rade "found" his "milk", he really means he "stole" somebody else's "meal".

When Rade's stay is finally up, I get him to check out with minimal hassle - just one short outburst.
"Can I stay one more night, and pay tomorrow?"
I tell him no, we are 'filling up'.
"FILLING UP AH? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT'
Smile and shrug!

Eventually he leaves, dressed in his best with a suit jacket and hat. He says, "Thankyou for the hospitality. You, but nobody else!"

Next time I am on shift, there is a note on the system:
Rade will stay 5 more days referring to Wayne. Then checking out for good.

Sigh. We'll see. Until then, more amusement!

A 2-minute "spot clean"

Points of note:

- Went to Kangaroo Island a few weeks ago on a free tour through work. Hot weather. Fun with Brian. Many Europeans. I was the only Aussie, and the palest-skinned of the group. Highlights: Sandboarding down Little Sahara on our 'Mr-Sheen-ed' boards, lying on the beach sharing Adelaide stories with the tour leader, hiking conversation with Brian, braving the waves at Snelling Beach. Downside: Actually, there's nothing I can complain about, not even considering it was a free tour. Although, it would have been nice if the air conditioning on the bus hadn't been broken... and if we hadn't become bogged in the sand on our night-drive. (Although, while the girls shivered and waited, I think the boys had the time of their lives ribbing the driver and getting together to dig holes around the tyres and push.)

- The following weekend, DW and I took our belated Christmas present to each other, 2 nights at a B&B at Largs Bay. Highlights: not for public display. Let's just say DW is becoming quite proficient in certain skills. But, the beach walks and Harbour Town shopping and snuggles in bed weren't bad either ;). Downside: the wind! Bad bad beach weather. The water was warm, but we couldn't relax or sit down without being whipped mercilessly by sand. Also, it was kind of expensive. But never mind.

- I've been going to the gym a fair bit recently, and so far keeping my goal of running 3x week. Yesterday DW and I went for a run together at Linear Park which was good. Having him there motivates me to keep going, I think. He reckons he looks more approachable running with a girl, which I tend to agree with. We passed another couple riding bikes who both smiled at us and after they passed we were like, 'foursome!'

- New thought: I think I'd like to combine work in the UK and travel. I'd still have to save a fair bit of course, but maybe not quite as much as if I just left from Australia. Plus I could maybe travel longer.

Ok, so new daydream-plan:

Mid July - September: Travel from Prague down to Turkey.
October - Jan: Work in England - maybe a live-in pub job?
Mid Jan - mid April: Work for PGL, an outdoor-activity company in England (I don't think I'd be able to save much here, but by all accounts it looks like fun)
May- July - More travel: Iceland, Denmark, Germany, Northern Europe?

Other thoughts: we just got an email at work from a company that offers 3 month live-in carer contracts in England, that recruits mainly travellers. The email was asking for a reference for a girl used to work at the hostel. I looked up a bit about them, and currently have a question mark over whether that sounds like something I'd want to do. I reckon it'd really depend on the person you were with - if the person were easygoing, involved in life (and perhaps young?) it sounds like it'd be a really good opportunity to settle in one place for a while and earn pretty decent money, but if you didn't like the person you were caring for it could be awful. You know, I kind of like the idea of doing something like that - it seems like it would be good experience. But I can't be away forever...

Although, I could be away probably 15 months while only missing 1 year of uni. Potential issue (with all of this)... DW.

The problem, or solution, is that I love DW... a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I don't want to throw that away. On the other hand, I don't want to be in a position when I look back and regret not having done more with life, when I wanted to, and I could have.

Aaaanyway. Time for banana cake and more daydreams.

--khere is a mini vacuum cleaner used only for very special hand jobs.

The New Year's Edition

New Year's Resolutions:

- Run (3x week)
- Speak German at work

= So far so good! I ran three times this week, and spoke at least some German every day I was working at the hostel. With the German, it's crazy how simple it was once I begun. I can't believe I had the same resolution last year and was somehow too shy to ever put it into action. We get so many Germans, this time of the year, that I'm hoping I can keep practising pretty constantly. Not all of them want to speak German - many are here to practise their English, after all - but if they do want to then I'll give it my best shot. It's awesome when I actually get compliments on it - some Swiss guy was like, "I wish I could speak English as good as your German." !! No way !! And I loved it when I was in mid-conversation with a Canadian guy (in English, obviously) and some German came up told me that "Die Karte funktioniert nicht," and I just switched to talking to him about it in German. What I said was very simple, but the Canadian was impressed and all like, "How many languages do you speak?" With, you know, the implication that I spoke at least two. Made me feel ridiculously proud!

And the running - two of the three runs this week were over 30 minutes, so I'm pretty chuffed with that too. Usually I prefer to run outdoors, but I did my first longer run on the treadmill today and realised that the treadmill is a real option. After all, it's getting too hot to run outside a lot of the time, and since I've got a gym membership I might as well utilise it.

Note, though, that my resolution was to run 3 times a week, not go to the gym 3 times a week - if the gym can help me with the resolution, that's great, but I don't want classes or weights to replace runs. The classes are good for me too though, if in more of a 'step out of the comfort zone' way, and if I was inclined to make more resolutions then I might include them in there. But this year I'm going to be specific. Running, and German.

Two things that don't always feel natural or relaxing, but make me a happier person. Two things that, when done regularly, become easier, but which never reach a point of completion. Two things that give me the sensation that I'm grabbing onto my life and living it deliberately.