Disrupting the Balance

Squawk squawk squawk.

I feel like that is what I am about to do.

If you have been following my conversations as of late (like, if you are my stalker, in which case this web page is the obvious thing to be reading), you might have noticed a recurring theme. Something like "So Rhino Room upstairs or downstairs?" followed by "What theme should I have for my birthday?"
Respective answers (but you already know them, if you're an attentive stalker): Downstairs, the cosier spot, with the rain-inviting beer garden! And Don't Know! (I have eliminated 'Traffic Lights' and 'Dress as me and the boyfriend' as potential themes).

After a mid-term break which I emerged from feeling like I needed another one to get done the uni work I had planned to achieve, these last few days have been remarkably productive. International Office! Humanities Office! Tutor's office! Mick's office at the Rhino Room! Office at the Courts Administration Authority! I've been seeing people, making those appointments, getting balls rolling. Woot.

Yeah, in fact I think I was only inspired to write this entry about that, so now that I've bragged I can probably stop writing.

No actually, the thought that was rolling around in my mind was something like this. My life is good right now. It's a comfortable place to live, a place that's open to promise and opportunities. That sounds cheesy, but its really kind of true. I feel lucky, and really do feel like these are the good years. Not that past years were bad, or that future years won'tbe better, but there's a good balance of the Myer-Briggs "P" (feeling happy having my options re. career and stuff still 'open', so I can get as much experience and follow as many interests as I can without having to rule anything out) with the "J" (feeling happy that I do have some sort of plan, and when I chip away to the core of that statemen, what I really mean is DW in my life).

I guess I'm worried that going to Germany will change that. That by sticking my hands in the current and breaking up the flow, I'm messing with a good thing.

In regards to DW at least, I know it'll change things and that's part of the reason why I want to do it. That sounds illogical, and quite possibly is, but my reasoning is something like: If I'm going to be with DW "forever"/"long-term" then I should travel now, because he won't be into doing that with me later (at least, not backpacker travel/extended stays/visits to countries that register beyond the first level in Smart Traveller). On the other hand, if I'm not going to be with DW in the long term then I should travel now, because otherwise I'd be sacrificing what I want to do for nothing. I.e. both potential paths --> travel now!

So, I've come to a sort of peace with that, and now it's not really DW I'm worried about. It's the horrifyingly fragile strings that hold my loved ones and I in health and happiness. What if by going away, I break those strings?

I know that's silly, that if bad things happen they'll happen whether I'm here or not. And yet.

A related topic is a question I had for DW the other day. "Do you think it's better to understand on an emotional level that bad things will happen to you, or just wait until they do?"

"You and your 'deep questions'," he said. "Uhm. You shouldn't let it affect your life, before things happen."

So staying awake late bawling my eyes out because bad things WERE going to happen to me and therefore a pretty likely bad thing would be for DW (or generic spouse) to die when we had a little baby or children, and I'd be all alone without a Life Ally and my baby kids would never know their daddy... crying about that because it's better to be emotionally prepared for it now, that's a silly thing to do? Right, sure. Just checking.

Well, that ended on a cheerful note, didn't it. In other news: H's 'Old Hollywood' party means I have an excuse to buy a nice dress, which means I am done with my self-imposed ban on spending in clothes stores, which means other items are sure to sneak into my wardrobe. Winter jacket, yay.

--khere is blacklisted in your mind.

At this point in time...

The pace of life changes at this time of year. At first your body drag with the effort, unused to the speed. Before you know it you're buzzing and recharged. Then, just as quickly, overwhelmed.



I thought I'd give a brief wrap up of the State of Stuff.



WORK



Mad March. The month that swings me wildly between feelings of love and exasperation for my job. The best feeling is that of a hostel that's booked to the brim full of guests, who are all out enjoying themselves... elsewhere. Slightly less enjoyable: relentless demands of guests when I just want to close and get out of there, vomit stains on the wall and carpet when I walk in the next morning, personality clashes in too-full dorms, drunken Irish guys who insist on shouting the words along to 'Little Lion Man' at 6:30 am, fielding complaints about why the night staff didn't answer the phone, teetering on the wrong side of the how-full-is-full tightrope. Human error becomes critical. Got a voucher for tonight that we booked for Friday next week instead? Told us yesterday that you wanted to extend your accommodation, yet somehow nobody got around to making a note on the system? Oops! How do you feel about sleeping on the street tonight?

And things can only get more exciting: it's not even Clipsal time yet!

However, its invigorating in a way too, especially when you get it right. Carrying the baby upstairs for the stressed-out mum as she wrangles the four-year-old and his scooter. Hearing someone who'd presented at the counter with bed bug bites gratefully thanking you for your help after you breezily move guests from the room, wash all the linen and do the rest of her laundry for free, lend her the heavy-duty bug spray for her bag and call the pest control services. Realising that something like that would have once caused you stress, but now you take it in stride. Having someone say to you, after a long morning dealing with guests who were unhappy about the noise last night, interpersed with nagging from the guys whose iPod you confiscated to get rid of the noise (can't win!), "I just want to thank whoever it was that finally got those guys to shut up!" and being able to have a laugh with someone about it. Helping exceptionally friendly and appreciative Canadian guys with bookings, tours and directions around the city. Passing on the complaint about 'dripping mouldy food' to Victor - When he began to go off his nut about how it was just the fridge leaking, I successfully avoided hearing him rant by changing the tack to, "I know Wayne doesn't want to fix the leaks, but maybe you could move your bag to the bottom shelf - then nobody can blame you! Just trying to look out for you!" He sort of chuckled then, and was like "Ah, I understand. Complaint number fifty eh! I'm keeping a list!"

For all Victor's "quirks", I'm actually quite fond of him these days. It'll be a bit sad when we do finally seek the help of the Catholic church to find him more appropriate accommodation. Perhaps because Victor's such a pain when he's in a cranky mood, I find him strangely enjoyable when he's in a good mood. Lurking at the corners, he sees everything that goes on at the front desk, and is the only guest who I can tell really *sympathises* with the staff sometimes. An eyeroll at a tedious guest here, a request followed by a generous "-when you not busy," there.

"You here tomorrow?" he often asks, brusquely, peering through his lens-less glasses. If I say yes or no he responds with a nod or a sympathetic smile as required. Then he swings his bag over his shoulder and lifts one arm in goodbye. "See you next time!" He hobbles off to wherever it is that he goes, his ankles poking out at the bottom of never-washed jeans as he disappears down the stairs.

Last weekend was WOMAD, which stereotypically attracts the best kind of guest: those who are friendly, laid-back and somehow 'clean', jokes about dirty hippies aside. Clean in a way that old men, bogans and drunks aren't. Although there are still a few of those around.

Speaking of old men: Some well-dressed, grey haired gentleman booked into rm 23 before I started my afternoon shift yesterday. No worries. A little later, in my peripheral vision I see this person near the entrance to reception with unnaturally wide, drawn-on pink lips, broad shoulders, a tight dress and garish eye-make-up. Ok, someone who looks like a drag queen. Being Fringe time, there are a lot of interesting characters around, and because I am a dork I'm thinking "don't stare!" and preparing myself to not do a double-take when I see this person front-on (this is all within a split second). All guests are welcome, right? So I chirp, "Hello!" and give the drag queen a big welcoming smile. She/he sort of gives a faint eye-brow raise of recognition and scurries past reception. Looks like she's following - oh, looks like she's following the old man. Ah. Well. Isn't it nice when you find two unlikely friends like that.


Sometime later the man presents his room key to reception. Oh, he's checking out! He doesn't need the room for the night after all. Isn't it nice when something else just comes up! Meanwhile, his "friend" slips out the door. I ask him to return his linen, as is standard procedure. He puts up a fuss. "It's all there!" he says, meaning its all in the room. Yes, well if I'm going to have to touch those sheets I'm not bloody well making a trip upstairs to get them. You can bring your own semen-encrusted sheets down here, boy. Of course I don't say this. "Oh, that's strange that it wasn't mentioned when you checked in!" I say cheerfully, with an air of polite disbelief. "You actually need to return them to get your deposit back!" He grumbles some more then goes to get them. I guess when you're in a position to choose a backpacker's hostel as your den of hooker love, the lure of $10 is strong.


UNI


Looking like a good semester. Constitutional law, Lingustics (Language Learning), German and English (Modernisms). Lots of work but its all kind of different. I'm kind of planning to finish my Arts degree at the end of this year (well, by the end of summer school) so that if I want to, say, teach English in Japan then I meet the contract requirements.


LIFE

What else? H and S are back from India. H might be getting a job at the hostel which would be fun I think! I had a good chat with DW the other day about going overseas - I hadn't wanted to bring it up in case it caused problems before it had to, but I'm glad I did. He basically shot down a couple of my ideas (care work, outdoor kids' camps) and although I don't have to listen to his advice, I do value his opinion... and it also kind of helped me, because I wanted to make some decisions rather than try to 'do it all'. He was quite keen on the idea of teaching in Japan (i to i do contracts from anywhere between 2 and 12 months) and was even like, "I'll come visit you if you do that." Naw.

A 2-minute "spot clean"

Points of note:

- Went to Kangaroo Island a few weeks ago on a free tour through work. Hot weather. Fun with Brian. Many Europeans. I was the only Aussie, and the palest-skinned of the group. Highlights: Sandboarding down Little Sahara on our 'Mr-Sheen-ed' boards, lying on the beach sharing Adelaide stories with the tour leader, hiking conversation with Brian, braving the waves at Snelling Beach. Downside: Actually, there's nothing I can complain about, not even considering it was a free tour. Although, it would have been nice if the air conditioning on the bus hadn't been broken... and if we hadn't become bogged in the sand on our night-drive. (Although, while the girls shivered and waited, I think the boys had the time of their lives ribbing the driver and getting together to dig holes around the tyres and push.)

- The following weekend, DW and I took our belated Christmas present to each other, 2 nights at a B&B at Largs Bay. Highlights: not for public display. Let's just say DW is becoming quite proficient in certain skills. But, the beach walks and Harbour Town shopping and snuggles in bed weren't bad either ;). Downside: the wind! Bad bad beach weather. The water was warm, but we couldn't relax or sit down without being whipped mercilessly by sand. Also, it was kind of expensive. But never mind.

- I've been going to the gym a fair bit recently, and so far keeping my goal of running 3x week. Yesterday DW and I went for a run together at Linear Park which was good. Having him there motivates me to keep going, I think. He reckons he looks more approachable running with a girl, which I tend to agree with. We passed another couple riding bikes who both smiled at us and after they passed we were like, 'foursome!'

- New thought: I think I'd like to combine work in the UK and travel. I'd still have to save a fair bit of course, but maybe not quite as much as if I just left from Australia. Plus I could maybe travel longer.

Ok, so new daydream-plan:

Mid July - September: Travel from Prague down to Turkey.
October - Jan: Work in England - maybe a live-in pub job?
Mid Jan - mid April: Work for PGL, an outdoor-activity company in England (I don't think I'd be able to save much here, but by all accounts it looks like fun)
May- July - More travel: Iceland, Denmark, Germany, Northern Europe?

Other thoughts: we just got an email at work from a company that offers 3 month live-in carer contracts in England, that recruits mainly travellers. The email was asking for a reference for a girl used to work at the hostel. I looked up a bit about them, and currently have a question mark over whether that sounds like something I'd want to do. I reckon it'd really depend on the person you were with - if the person were easygoing, involved in life (and perhaps young?) it sounds like it'd be a really good opportunity to settle in one place for a while and earn pretty decent money, but if you didn't like the person you were caring for it could be awful. You know, I kind of like the idea of doing something like that - it seems like it would be good experience. But I can't be away forever...

Although, I could be away probably 15 months while only missing 1 year of uni. Potential issue (with all of this)... DW.

The problem, or solution, is that I love DW... a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I don't want to throw that away. On the other hand, I don't want to be in a position when I look back and regret not having done more with life, when I wanted to, and I could have.

Aaaanyway. Time for banana cake and more daydreams.

--khere is a mini vacuum cleaner used only for very special hand jobs.

keeping it clean and staying on topic

Another seedy Sunday, another post.

- We put the Christmas tree up today.

- I now have an iPhone, at no extra monthly cost than what I was already paying for my old crappy handset.

- C's 21st was last night. At the Rhino room, very nice venue I thought. Cosy and fun, not too big.

- Her dad is an 'affable chap', in DW's words.

- DW met and became promptly 'enarmoured' with C's boyfriend, in C's words. The two of them talked at length about cricket and finance and whatever else.

- After the speeches, DW mentioned to me that he had 'kind of already started planning' a speech for my 21st. Naw. That's the side of him that I love.

- When we were trying to catch a taxi home, he was being an unhelpful grump. That's the side of him I don't like so much. I may taken hold of his hand in a more aggressive manner than usual. Then hit him when he pulled it away. What can I say, we were both drunk and irritated.

- I'm gonna be working at the nut shop again this Christmas - well, at one of the new 'outpost' stalls. The next few weeks will be busy. But more money, yay.

- I'm trying to save as much money as possible. I've never been 'bad' with money as such, but I haven't saved as much as I could have. If I want to go to Europe in 2011 (which, I do) then I will need to really save a lot. Goodbye food court, hello sandwiches using free bread from work.

- I want to sell a whole bunch of clothes on eBay, but I need to wait for my dad (with the benefit of his awesome feedback record!) to let me use his account and show me how to do things. My plan to do this was actually based on clearing out cupboard space rather than earning money, but hey: every bit counts!

- Went to a couch-surfing meet a couple of weeks ago at the Grace Emily. Fun fun. The week after I was feeling sick and wussy so I didn't go, but might head there again tomorrow.

- I'm so ready for Thursday, when new cupboards will be put in - the old ones were demolished and removed last Thursday, so this week all my crap has been in boxes and piles around my bedroom floor and the rest of the house. I hate living in mess. I don't see how some of my friends (well, one of my friends in particular =P) can live with a room that's permanently in such a state!

- Look, paragraphs getting bigger. We don't want that.

---khere had one midori too many.

Clear glass

For the first time in two and a half years I feel indecision. I feel like the trail that I've been following has petered out. Now instead of walking easily, I've got to make a decision. Do I keep hopefully bashing my way along the track? Take a detour through some scrub and hope that I meet up with a clear trail again? Find a different route completely?

It's like I'm surrounded by clear glass at the moment. Guys can see me, talk to me, flirt with me, dance with me, and even cop the occaisonal feel (I can only hypothesise that the glass disappears around the ass region when in busy nightclubs) but I'm not available to them. I'm exempt from 'the game'.

Most of the time I feel this is a good thing. I get one-off bursts of attention from various guys, but don't have to make a choice about where to take it from there. I don't have to try to impress, worry about being liked, or calculate the moves between 'I want you' and 'chase me'. I also don't have to be the bitch that says no. There's nothing personal, no guy can ever be offended - hey, nothing against you, but I have a boyfriend! There's your answer - it's a fact and not an opinion.

Two and a half years ago I received far less male attention. Five days a week I would don my overlarge school uniform and keep my head down. I enjoyed school, but I associated with my own group of friends and kind of ignored the rest - and 'the rest' included most of the popular people and the hottest guys, who intimidated me somewhat. While I wouldn't say I was 'invisible' - I was one of those geeky leadership types, organising community sports days and always on stage at assembly for acamedic awards - I was certainly only visible for my brains and personality, not my looks. On weekends, I wore an equally unflattering orange blouse in the nut shop and failed to attract the interest of, or muster interest for, any of the guys who I worked with or served. Underage events in Adelaide were at a minimal, and my friends and I never really got into attending random house parties - so at nights I would still only really see the same crowd that I hung out with during the week.

There are plenty of girls prettier than me today, but at some point in the last few years I guess I started to become visible for my looks. With attention came confidence, and not just confidence about my looks but confidence to be open with my mind and personality too. A growing faith that rather than trying to blend in, I can be myself and people would be attracted to that.

A fear of losing DW is not a fear that no other guys would like me - rather, it's that I would have a hard time finding a guy that I liked quite so much.

It's why I'm often glad for the clear glass - I don't trust or open up to that many people, really. In fact, you could say that I save all my trustingness and openness for DW. That's an instinctive thing, which I don't understand and can't justify. I can attempt to vaguely explain it by saying that DW is like a well that I can throw anything into... whatever I hurl his way, he will be able to understand it, deal with it. But really, he doesn't always understand everything. He doesn't deal with things better than anyone else - he's just human. Yet, it's somehow not about what he has been proven to do but what I trust he can do. I feel a level of security with him that I don't with many, or any, others.

There have, however, been a handful of guys in the last few years that have given me a little touch of that feeling. The feeling of, hey, I could imagine this going somewhere. I was thinking last night about those guys and realised the common factor - all of them valued my mind as well as my looks. Which is kind of funny - hey look, this is how you pick me up! There's no mysterious formula after all - just make a point of listening when I talk and I'm yours! It's still vanity.

It's also somewhat ironic:

I look attractive --> you're interested me --> you appreciate what's 'underneath' --> you get my body!

Anyway, I don't have much of a point to make. That's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I should be working towards.

DW and I (or, maybe just me) have been having some lingering issues about neediness. In all my other relationships I'm the need-meeter: the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the one who remains emotionally stable. I don't need my friends to listen to my problems or offer their shoulder - pfft, that's DW's job! They would probably do a much better job than DW, but some part of me is incapable of giving them that role. I save it for DW, then feel let down when he doesn't relish that position the way I would for him. That's the other thing - DW is less needy than I am, so I don't get to be the need-meeter, don't get to fill my 'natural' role in the relationship dynamic. I feel almost a bit cheated, because it's like - you haven't seen me at my best! Instead, you see me at my worst, and I feel like an imposition!

Sometimes I feel like the only way DW and I could be together long-term is to give each other some freedom first. But I've seen firsthand the heartache that friends have gone through when they are all like, 'Yeah, let's break up because I want freedom to travel and meet people and stuff. (Really I still expect you to wait around for me, if I don't find any other boys good enough)'. And then they don't find boys good enough and don't travel and want to go back to the one who they love, and find they can't, and there are tears galore. Yes, I've seen that.

When I have seen that, or hear people proclaim 'I could still see myself marrying so-and-so' while proceeding to sever their relationship with the person in question, then I think: If you love this person so much that you could imagine being married to them, why would you not want to be in a relationship with him? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Maybe he doesn't make you as happy as you suggest? Maybe you just like the idea of a security blanket?

Gradually, it does compute.

You say neurotic, I say erotic

It's official: Father Christmas is in town. He may be dehydrated and dripping with sweat inside his suit, but he's here!

It was pageant day today, and the hostel balcony was the place to be. Exclusive view, Wayne's shade contraption rigged up out of old sheets, cigarette butts swept away, and "rooly clever" disabled lift access. It was a fun atmosphere at work, although the collide of backpackers and kiddies was a bit exhausting.

I slept there last night, with DW giving me a ride into town. We, uh, well, let's just say there was more fun in the rm 6 'storage room' than there's been in a while!

Town tonight - this metaphorical hair is coming down, because exams are over yeooww!

I feel so glad when I hear people talking about assignments and exams they still have, and remember I can dismiss all those thoughts. Selfish but nice! I had another strangely freeing moment when some guy behind me on a bus was talking on the phone in a real serious sooky voice about his break-up. "I'm not saying she's defective, I'm just saying she needs to be better at prioritising." I decided I didn't want to be listening, realised that I had no obligation to, and put my ipod earphones in. The wonderful benefits of modern society!

Get scared much? You should probably stay away from Paranormal Activity. Actually it was awesome, but I'm not usually affected much by scary movies and this one I did find creepy. I got free tickets and went with DW, a lovely friend who I will entitle "L", and his pretty housemate "H". (damnit! I know too many 'H's!). It wasn't as jumpy-scary as I thought it would be, but a lot oogier. DW had a high opinion of it too, which I was glad about.

Also: Dog Boy, by Eva Hornung. Eegh. Read it. Dooo it *shakes*

Enough. Time for this dirty girl to shower.

--khere is a chalk-drawing melting on the road.

Update on the Love State

I suppose I'd better update from that last post. All is well.

We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.

I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.

What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.

I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.

(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)

While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).

K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."

(long pause)

D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"

K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)

Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.

"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."

(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)

DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.

"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"

I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.

Wait - they don't love you like I love you

Yesterday, paraphrased.

1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.

K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.

H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!

K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?

H: "The night will be much poorer without you."

K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.

2:00 pm. Near H's street.

K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!

H: Have fun tonight with DW.

K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.

H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!

K: Haha no.


6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.

K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.

DW: Why's that?

K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)

DW: That's just how I am I guess!

K: Ok?

DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.

K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?

DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.

K: Ok.

K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.

DW: Thanks.

K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?

DW: Probably.

K: Hm. Ok.

DW: That pasta is really oily.

K: Yeah it is.

DW: ...

K: What if... what if it bothered me?

DW: The independence stuff?

K: Yeah.

DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.

K: ...

DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.

K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?

DW: A team? No.

K: Why not?

DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.

K: Isn't it?

DW: No!

K: Why not?

DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.

K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?

DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.

K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?

DW: No?

K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.

DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.

K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.

DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?

K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?

DW: What?

K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?

DW:...No...?

K: Really?

DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.

K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?

DW: Yes.

K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.

DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...

K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!

DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!

K: Alright whatever. Carry on.

DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.

K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.

[skip a few...]

DW: What's wrong? You look upset.

K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*

DW: Um...?

K: Don't stare at me!

DW: *stares*

K: *tears*

DW: I don't understand.

K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.

DW: Um...

K: Talk about something else!

DW: *says some silly thing*

DW: Do you want to leave?

6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.

DW: (gently) What were you saying?

K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...

DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?

K: ...

DW: ...

K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.

DW: That makes sense.

K: Sorry. I just get emotional.

DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.

K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?

DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...

K: yes yes.

DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.

K: *smirks*

...

K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.

DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.

K: Yeah?

DW: Yeah I guess.

K: You mean, what you think about me?

DW: Yeah...

K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.

DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?

My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.

Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.

I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.

DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.

"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.

Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.

"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."

We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.

"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."

Oh man.

"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.


Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"

"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."

He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."

I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.

"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"

"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "

Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."

"To dry up a bit?"

"Exactly."

"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.

Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.

Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.

It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"

Back to H, then called DW.

"There's something I want to tell you," he said.

"What's that?"

"I want to stay together."

"Oh?"

"I've done some soul-searching."

"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"

"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."

"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"

"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."

"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."

"We are together. No effective about it."

I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.

"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"

"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."

The end. For now.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'

Big Plans

For some reason my recent thoughts have tended towards expansive life-planning. To be more specific, I have become somewhat obsessed with researching stuff to do with teaching english overseas.

Funnily enough, when I mentioned it to DW a few days ago, he actually took it somewhat seriously, despite my protests that it wasn't a real plan or anything. Not that he particularly liked the idea, as it would presumably involve being separated from him... but he didn't dismiss it as a ridiculous hypothetical or anything. And that kind of made it feel a little more like a, well, real plan. Heh. His bad!

Of course, ridiculous or not, it is a hypothetical. A dream in subjunctive II. If it were to happen, it wouldn't be until I completed my arts degree, in another two years or so.

(Two years?! I want to be on a plane to Seoul now!)

Ahem. So yeah, based on my vague understanding of the curriculum structure, I'd finish my arts degree with maybe two or three semesters of 'straight law' left before I finished my law degree as well. It wouldn't be unthinkable to work and live overseas for a year, maybe save a bit of money, then return to Adelaide to finish the tough end of the law degree while (here's where it gets fuzzier) ideally getting some law-relevant experience (assuming I wouldn't go back to work at the hostel, it would be a good chance to look for a part-time clerkship, or some reception/admin work at a law firm or something) and (now we're getting even more subjunctive) if I were still with DW (pause for effect, because in my imagination I undeniably am, and maybe I do just want to possess my cake and eat it too) he would likely have his own place by then, and I could move in with him, and life would be a soft-focus picture.

Then I would have maybe had enough frittering around the world for a little while, and the real career stuff would start, and we'd have babies and lalalah.

Ok! So there's my life, right? It scares me a little writing nakedly what I want to happen, and yes, my naked mind contains lots of parenthicals. It scares me because I don't want to look back and go, I was so naive/idealistic/full of it/how sad that it all ended in tragedy/how stupid that I thought I would be so lucky.

It's that part that I wrote in a few words - 'work and live overseas' - that I have been thinking about to the point of saturation. You know, when the amount you think about something is just so disproportional to the amount that it needs to be thought about, that the daydream becomes a liquid you can't dissolve anything more thought-matter into, it's... saturated. Incidentially, the last time I felt like that was when I was obsessing over DW before meeting him 'in real life'. There was only so much I could think about a guy who I had never 'met', and there's only so much I can plan for something that would not happen for another two years.

Wouldn't it be awesome if DW came too? Two English teachers keeping each other sane in a foreign land? Unfortunately that does start to veer within the realm of the actually-not-going-to-happen because DW's interest in foreign living, children and language teaching approaches Nil, whereas his interest in having a job in his field of choice and settling in Adelaide approaches High. It would be so cool to talk it over with him though if we were both going, plan it together... pick a country. My thoughts at the moment:

South Korea: Kind of have a gut feeling about wanting to go here, although rationally it might not be the best, because it seems kind of hit-and-miss. Stupid reasons for wanting to go there: I like their alphabet, and am well-liked among the Koreans at work (apparently the girls refer to me as an angel! hahah). Better reasons: apparently it's the best country for earnings as relative to the cost of living, they seem to have four seasons and pretty mountains, and there's a lot of online information for expats. Possible reasons to avoid: unscrupulous Hagwon owners, bad attitudes among foreigners living there, somewhat more insular society. Expensive to go and live there while sussing out a school for yourself, but risky to get a job somewhere you don't know much about.

Taiwan: Apparently you can go here on a holiday visa and switch to a working visa while in the country, which seems quite good. And, Australia even has working holiday visas here? Not sure about that, but it seems easier in a practical sense, like you could come here and look for a job yourself pretty easily. Would probably be my second 'gut' choice, only below Korea because I dunno, Korea somehow appeals to me more than the China-America humid industrial mix that I perceive Taiwan to be.

Japan: High cost of living. More competition for jobs. Probably a nicer and more hospitable culture, though. Probably wouldn't do unless I decided to be a bit more serious about it and apply for JET or something.

China: Eh... it's been a bit 'done', with my aunt teaching at an international school in China now. Still, connections... although she probably wouldn't be there in two years (two years! sigh).

Cambodia/Thailand: I'm sure there's plenty of differences between these places, but they've both been equally peripheral in my online travels. I wouldn't disregard them, but they seem more party places than places to earn money. Nothing wrong with party places, but I'd probably rather visit for a holiday than live there for a job.

Eastern Europe: Interests me, although I don't know a lot about it (yay, more to research!). Puts me off a bit for being less safe than much of Asia.

South America: A bit put off by the macho culture and higher crime... again, appeals to me for travelling more than living.

Middle East: Supposedly the best money, but nah.

Well, I'd better retire to bed so that I can get up early for the hostel. I really need to start focusing on the realities of life i.e. my legal research assignment, too. But hopefully typing out these ruminations will mean that I don't have to deal with them skipping around in my brain as I lie in bed or peruse a legal encycopedia.

-khere might try some kimchee before getting too ahead of herself

Little Red Corvette

The carpet of the bedroom floor underneath our bodies. Cuddling under his warm skin for a few minutes longer before the cool air forces us to sit up, to cover ourselves or dress.

We lie on top of the covers, rather than underneath - he doesn't like his bed to be all messed up once I leave and he goes to sleep. The sleeping bag he keeps for extra warmth is an innocuous item, but one that saves us. For I like to snuggle under the weight of blankets, my feet get cold, and besides, what kind of mean boyfriend won't let his girlfriend in his bed? We would lie in bed under the covers when we were a newer couple - what, now you take me for granted, so much so that you can expect I will come here and pleasure you (such nice words, but said as if they taste bitter, dirty) and then not even want me to lie in your bed for a while? That was one of our only fights, and I fancied that his reluctance to peel back the covers was a symptom for something more significant. I made it clear that I could disregard his preferences and mess up his bed if I wanted to, but I wouldn't because I understood that everybody had their little quirks and you abided by them because you loved them. But I let him know that HE ONLY HAD, LIKE, TEN POINTS OF IRRITATING QUIRKINESS TO USE UP AND THIS COVERS THING WAS LIKE, EIGHT POINTS. Next time I came over, he had the sleeping bag at the ready. Turns out it wasn't a symptom of anything. Now I enjoy snuggling with warm feet and feel affectionate about both his 'quirk' and his ever-practical solution.

He sometimes picks me up from work at night in town, even when it's not on his way at all, so can spend some time with me.
He gropes me when I'm driving.
I think the two are connected.

He talks about concrete and physical matters, like anecdotes from his day, things that have happened or will happen. Or else he starts bantering, silly back-forth exchanges as if the two of us exist nowhere but the present, which is nothing-talk and at the same time everything-talk. In contrast, sometimes I bring up abstract ideas, hypotheticals, analysis of feelings, theories about other people. When I do that, I can become self-conscious of feeling like I'm just talking out loud without engaging him. But often, weeks or months later, I'll hear phrases that I've crafted, my own theories and analyses, spoken as fact from his mouth.

He came to a family gathering a few weeks ago with a bloody scratch on the side of his nose, and told people wryly that he'd got in the way of a shovel when helping his dad with something. Later he mentioned to me that his dog had actually bitten him. When I was baffled as to why he would lie, he chuckled and said, "I just wanted to see how long I could keep it up before somebody realised that my story didn't really make sense!"
"...You're right, you exposed my family for their... lack of detective-level interrogation? Willingness to take you at face value?"
"Ok, fine."
"Boy, did you show them!" I started laughing.
"Shut up."
"They'll be soooo embarrassed when they realised!"
He started wrestling me with a couch cushion. I won that one.

He thinks he'll be such a good catch 'when he's thirty' and all the women are starting to turn away from the party boys and want someone with financial security who can actually look after them. And they'll be like, late twenties and starting to be a bit paranoid about losing their looks, and the biological clocks will be ticking. And maybe by then he'll be able to play the 'dad card' to endear himself even more to these sporty single ladies... Equal parts horrified (who mothered his kid, then? Where is she *cough* I in this scene?) and amused because I'm sure he's not wrong. When I went to say the above in protest it suddenly felt forward to presume myself the mother of his fantasy child, and instead came out just, "Where am I then?"
"Hopefully right by my side," he said, looking over from the passenger seat and smiling. And now it was he who was being the forward one, and I was a little taken aback. "Well, where do you see yourself in five years?" he said. "Am I there?"
"I guess so," I said.
"You say that with some trepidation!"
But it wasn't trepidation, it was more like a numbness at the bigness and greatness of it, to hear it, however tentatively, put into words.

He hugs other guys and finds it funny to pretend to be gay. He mouths the words to 'Little Red Corvette.'

God I love that dude.

Stuff and Things

Life has been rather busy lately. I am travelling to a relatively far-away suburb to feed my aunt's cat every day, which on one hand is kind of a pain. But on the other hand it can lead to delicious nights of sex and silliness in a place that isn't within earshot of anybody's family members. That, I think we'll all agree, is a plus.

Kate Miller-Heidke = awesome performer. She played at the Gov on Friday and was grand. My friend and I first ended up in front of these incredibly annoying drunk girls who were almost drowning out the singing with their conversation, and by conversation I mean 'shrieked inane comments interspersed with warbling of incorrect lyrics'. I could ignore them but when my friend politely asked them to keep it down, they responded with the helpful, "IF YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH WHYY DON'T YOU BUY THE CD EY? HUAHUAHUA." Because... we bought gig tickets? As did you? We decided to squeeze our way into another spot, which was much better, except the guy in front of us kept farting. Seriously, these were stinkers. Lucky Kate Miller-Heidke was so engaging that the undesirable crowd members were mere blips on the evening. Her band was pretty hot too.

Then last night I went along to a quiz night, where I believe I was quite unhelpful, especially in matters of geography and sports. Perhaps I redeemed myself by knowing what the word 'nullabor' meant and how many tentacles (?) a squid had, but then again I did convince my team to write that an earthworm had zero hearts, which was... 5 hearts short. DW came along, which made all the difference in the world to my happiness, as I realised I tend to have a rather disproportionate reaction to my requests (for company, etc) being rejected. Seriously. Perhaps it's because I don't tend to ask a lot of people or rely on my friends all that much, and am lacking in practice or experience or something - but if I ask DW something and he says no, not because of inescapable commitments but because he just doesn't want to - it bothers me a lot. Nevermind, it ended well, and both of us amused over how his wilful oblivion to my irritation irks me even further. And then we decided at the last minute to stay at my aunt's house, and had a lovely lovely time with lots of random talking in bed. The end.

Not really. I have more to say. I'm tossing up whether or not to go to another quiz night on Tuesday night, a German club v French club thing. I do desire to be more social within the German club, especially since a girl I know from school is in it and I have, like, a friend to launch off from. (Mel, she's so springy!) On the other hand, I have a meeting on that same night at uni (inaugaral secretary of AUHSSS, yo) so I'll be in town all day, and have to bus it home late etc, and quiz nights are fine but they do tend to drag on... but on the other hand it'd be good to get to know some more people in the club... but on the other hand, I've kind of neglected uni work lately, and I probably should study, you know, sometimes. And if I don't go then I could watch DW's indoor soccer match, which is always a plus. But then again, if I do that then I'm not really studying either. But, it won't actually be long as the quiz night, and they might actually have a chance at winning these week.

Hm. Watch this space.

The majority of Aussies who stay a the hostel are loutish, but the ones who aren't tend to be endlessly interesting. There are three there at the moment:

1. A woman who's with her kids, a 7 year old and a 7 month old. The hostel is not child unfriendly, as such, but it's certainly an adult environment and rather unusual for kids to be staying. For a baby it's probably irrelevant, but for a 7 year old, I dunno - I mean, guests will be going along their business of watching scary movies in the common area, drinking, smoking, swearing, etc, without a second thought to their little companion. What if little Timmy goes onto the balcony and someone's smoking dope? What if he goes for a piddle in the middle of the night and there's a girl and a guy showering together? I'm ambivalent - on one hand (I'm very big on the hands today, aren't I) those potential situations sound bad, on the other hand, the world is an adult environement and on principle, I think giving kid-tailored explanations for adult behaviour is generally preferable to keeping a child in a bubble.

But whatever. The point about this lady is that she seems positively unaware that having children there is unusual, and maybe even inconvenient, for other guests. She doesn't seem to really get the place. Someone will turn off the random documentary playing in the background to put on a DVD and she'll get all offended and like 'excuse me, I was actually WATCHING THAT'. I'll go to grab the rags out of the dryer and come back to hear her bleating at the reception counter, "HELLO. HELLO. HELLO. HELLO." as if I am just hiding under the counter in spite.

Worst, or most amusingly, she does this weird humourless chuckle sometimes which seems to convey something like, 'lord, how embarrassing for you.' Eg. she comes in the back door of reception and demands more linen for her kids, and when I give her some she's like, "Not that one! It's all pilled, like it's about to fall apart." Rather than dispute this I gesture at the piles of quilts and invite her to choose, and her response? "Oh, they're all like that! Ooh - of course, right?" Then she chuckles dementedly as if she's just realised the 'inappropriateness' of her remark, like of course she's totally offended me by alluding to the fact that she's in this common place. Which it is. It's a HOSTEL.

2. The woman who I think may have Aspergers, based on my very unscientific observation of her manner. She has a very large, fat face and a deep voice, and she often comes to reception to ask questions disguised as ponderous thoughts. E.g. "Based on my experiences of Perth Zoo, which I visited in --- time, I would estimate that the price of entry to Adelaide Zoo, would be --."
Me: "I can look it up for you if you like - I don't think it's as expensive as that." (opens website)
Her: (continues talking about the facts of Perth zoo, before drifting into a rant about plastic bags)

3. The man who seems to be a twelve year old boy inside a grown up's body. He is super sweet, very nervous and openly confused. Yet as excited as anything to be in Adelaide, which is... refreshing. I talked him through check-in in lots of detail to reassure him, when he told me, "I get so nervous being away from home!" and he kept coming back with more questions and clarifications, e.g. "Could you remind me again where the boy's toilets are?" "So that other bunk in my room, that's for me too?"
"Yup, it's a private room, just you, nobody else."
"Wow! Thanks so much! Will somebody as cool as you be working tomorrow too?"

We can only hope, buddy. I took a photo with his disposable camera, of him standing grinning in front of the brochure wall.

Well, that's enough for now. Bis Spater, na?

- khere wants to share fuel and fun.

Google Map It Up

For some reason I've been reluctant to write lately. Forging intimacy with my words has not appealed to me. This will be short, because I have my sexy Principles of Public Law lecturer to listen to. (Seriously, sexy in the I-want-to-be-her way. Young, pretty but hardline Consitutional Law academic.)

Could this lack of writing/desire to write again be in any way related to being an 'INTJ'??? Because apparently I am. A mastermind. I've also been pseudo-analysing my friends and have concluded that H is an ENFP (yes, I've just thrown that real name out there but screw introductions, just read a few Myer-Briggs profiles) and DW is almost certainly an ISTJ. Being of the analytic nature myself (or a product of reading too many girly magazines, one of the two) I sought to find relationship correlations between the different types - surely that had been done, right? One website said too many similarites were bad, the other said the more in common the better - but noted that a difference in 'intuition' and 'sensing' was one of the more troublesome differences. Hmm.

Well, it appears DW and I have been digging each other enough to make it work for two years. Pull out the party trumpets, people. In honour of my latest lame obsession, let's celebrate with some relevant insights:

"Daily concerns are likely to be well-provided for by [DW]. If other concerns, such as emotional needs, are pointed out to [DW] as important issues for their mates, [DW] will rise to the occasion and add the task of addressing these needs to the internal "list" of duties."

"Sexually, [Khere] enjoys thinking about intimacy, and about ways to perfect it. [Khere's] greatest potential pitfall is the tendency to think about things rather than doing them, and her difficulty reconciling reality with her inner visions."

"[Khere] is constantly embarking on "fix-up" projects to improve the overall quality of her life and relationships."

"[DW] usually has an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun."

"[DW] is interested in security and peaceful living."

"Under stress, [DW] may fall into "catastrophe mode", where he sees nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. He will berate themselves for things which he should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. He will lose his ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress himself with visions of doom."

"No nonsense" in both food and clothes seems characteristic of [DW] who tends not to be attracted by exotic food and beverages, or places. "

...Anyway, you get the idea. We're digging it.

Woot... I'm going to Burra tomorrow! Or Clare Valley, if you want to be vaguer and more fancy-sounding. A couple of days away, girls' time with my two best buddies. Shall be good. Shall be especially good if the conversation is not a constant moan about guys, because... well. Because that's boring, and I have the luck to be removed from that mode of thought. And if I have to validate my friend's idea that it's a 'sign' that nothing has worked out with other guys and it 'proves' she should wait around for her very-over-it-ex... well, that may not be my idea of fun.
But let's be positive, eh! Drinking lots of wine and exploring towns and sleeping away in a cottage has got to be fun.

Damn it, I think I've missed the boat on listening to that lecture. I'm sleepy from today's early start and need to start getting ready for dinner with DW soon. Hm. The last few days I've been pretty good about following a self-imposed schedule, actually, and I gave myself bonus points for actually doing work at uni during the holidays. Today may have to be a write-off though.

Because I have decided to use this page as a record of my most enjoyed books/movies and the like, a note to all: Watch The Changeling! It's very good. I can lose my attention span in movies sometimes, but this one kept me engaged for every second. Plus I'm a sucker for real-life thrillers. And Angelina Jolie is credited with a sharp rise in felt hat sales.

That is all.

--khere gives a gift to society by putting her ideas into useful form

A fragrant machine

The cogs are creaking into action; life has shifted gears. I am all uni uni uni. Well, I had one day at uni, and it was during 'O-week'. But. During that day I was plenty sociable - joined the German club, which I should have done last year, plus the *cough* running club - what can I say, the sexy third year law guy manning the stand might motivate me. Although I think I'd have to, like, actually finish Couch to 5K before I attempted a run with the group, lest I be *that* person.

But seriously, I'm like, all inspired =P Podcast downloading as I type!

Plus, I have a locker in the awesome 'women's lounge', no doubt created in days of compulsory unionism and demand for such places. There are couches, a microwave (yay) and even a bed, lest I feel the need to lay down and recuperate away from all the men. Plus bookshelves filled with old feminist books. On Thursday it was like our private lounge, and my friend wants to get a locker in there too. I'll be interested to see how busy it gets during the semester, but either way(making girly friends in our refuge, or having a personal couch space) is appealing enough.

However, despite all the excitement, I was completely knackered when it came to spending the whole day 'on' and walking around town in 39 degree heat and whatnot. I had this meet and greet as a buddy for an international law student (there we go again, uni uni) but it wasn't until the evening so it was quite a long day in town. The meet was amusing enough, with far more 'buddies' than new people needing to be 'buddied' showing up, and I chatted with plenty of randoms, completely anonymous as a second year. My allocated buddy was one of the ones not to show up, so about half way through I took advantage of my anonymity and disappeared. By which I mean, I inconspicuously walked out of the door, although the puff-of-smoke thing would have been cool too.

And then, my boyfriend went all sweet and collected me from the plaza. I cut his rope-finding trip to Kmart short with my arrival but he didn't go back, understanding that I was 'sick of everything' by that stage. I actually wasn't - It's funny how I could be so over it walking around town with the others but suddenly so willing to wander the stores with him. Anyway. I appreciated the gesture, and he ferried his sweaty girlfriend and her new heavy textbooks back to her house.

Tonight I'm going to the Fringe opening ceremony. I was very indecisive about whether or not I wanted to go, being slighly head-achey and blah feeling earlier, but I have now bucked up and decided to join the crowds and crazy people. Fire! Gelati! I went to see Tim Freedman in the Garden on Wednesday, who was as old-sexy as ever.

I smell faintly like a hippy, so I'm sure I'll fit in with the Fringe crowd. I ordered a bunch of Lush stuff with a shopping gift card that DW gave me for Christmas and it arrived today. So now my feet are scrubbed, my skin cleansed with clay and my temples rubbed with the jasmine scent of 'Flying Fox'. Ommmmmm. Actually, I think Flying Fox is meant to be something of an aphrodisiac. Rhhwah.

Soul Kitchen

Desires... to write lyrically, to live communally, with friends and cheap food. To travel locally. I feel a swelling of affection for the people I'm close to, an appreciation for talking in cars and at late night dessert cafes and on walks through the dry hills.

I look forward to being focused, when uni starts, but fear that I won't be. My time and interests are too scattered. I dread the rearrangement and negotiation of my work schedule, toy with quitting one job, the other job. To quit the hostel would seem a step backwards, and I feel that the intense sociality of it is something thats good for me, despite it being wearying at times. To quit the nut shop would be in a sense easy, but in a sense much harder, because its so comfortable.

I look forward, too, to reinvigorating the friendships that were started last year at uni, that fade with distance and time apart. New shiny people, people whose flaws and stories aren't so intimately known yet. (But: see first paragraph. Simultaneously relishing in familiarity).

People are very capable of deluding themselves, of asserting and even believing that what they think now is what they've thought all along. I say that with a wry hope, though, that the criss-crossing opposing emotions of two of my particular broken-up friends will eventually settle in the right place. Whether that 'right place' is with both of them happy to be together, or both of them happy to be apart, I don't know.

Something about the combination of books that I'm reading: Sack's observations of mentally deficient patients in The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, and the argument between the pastor and the scientist in a Sue Miller novel - made me realise today that I believe in the human soul. I can't even remember if it were a question of belief before today or not.

Valentines Day was good, and a good opportunity for a quiet shout out about how happy I am at the moment with all that... stuff. A while ago, when we first started going out, I remember thinking that in future years, after we'd hypothetically broken up, I would always remember DW, the person, who had happened to be my boyfriend. But he would remember his girlfriend, who happened to be me.

It was only today, recollecting that thought, that it occurred to me that this assessment might not represent something negative. Part of the reason why I wouldn't see potential for a relationship with one of my close male friends is that I feel that his idea of me is too fixed, that I am a defined persona in his perception. Of course, its not that the persona is in any way faked - its me, my own essence poured within the lines of his picture. But those lines are there. They're shaped slightly differently with everyone, but they're always there, in slightly better or worse formations. People make you see yourself in different ways. Some time ago, floating in one friend's image of myself as an elegant, articulate, kind girl, I remember thinking that maybe it was bad that DW didn't make me see myself in that way. But really, it's that he doesn't make me see myself in any one way. He doesn't pour my substance into any particular self-shape. And maybe that's not a bad thing.

Love and Hate

There are times where my job grates on my nerves and sensibilites. Times when the place can only be described as 'dysfunctional' and its my role to take the steers, if only for an evening, and navigate through the crap. Times when it seems like I'm surrounded by a bunch of caricatures, times when everyone lives up to their worst ethnic stereotype, times when I'm painfully aware of how I have to condone, if not initiate, dangerous and irresponsible practices for the sake of the night running smoothly.

Then there are moments when I feel very lucky. Moments that I see the world as a rich and endlessly interesting place. Moments when I am surprised at the layers of every individual who I get to know. The NZ guy sleeping in the parklands who chats about how he won a trip to the Globe Theatre for his high school Shakespeare performance. The angry old middle-eastern fellow who puts on his nice shirt to go out and suddenly tells me how he gets self-conscious about how he looks. The big Aussie in the rainbow jumper and kooky glasses with the dreams for a revolutionary public transport system, revealing his suddenly somber divorce story.

And its not just perceptions about others that change, its perceptions about myself, about 'us', Australians in general. Are we, like the cuddly Irish guy suggested, less communal than our UK counterparts? Is it true that Aussies are friendly on the surface but just want to get back into their powerful cars and drive home to their wide-screen TVs?

Plus, of course, there are the little perks of the job, like getting drunk on shift during the Australia Day/Chinese New Year celebrations. Oyy. That was certainly an interesting night! Being drenched with water on the balcony, ringing DW and giggling uncontrollably, having my sober buddy take over the desk for a short time, seeing the wry affectionate looks from Mr Irish at the 'front bar' slash reception desk, getting a massage from the hospital security guard... good times...

But, enough about the hostel. I've got a day off, and I'm quite glad for it. On the weekend I'm having some people around for a BBQ party thing, and I'm just realising I need to plan a little more than just posting the event on facebook. Eg: food? Drinks? Sweeping the yard? Is the pool clean?

DW and I have been, well, not rocky but not smooth lately. There are lingering issues, questions I have about his willingness to make time for us, irritations about how he's being complacent, taking this relationship for granted. Here isn't really the place to nut it out (I did speak to him yesterday, and I was quite proud of my articulate and calm manner - there is no other choice, really, when speaking about such matters) but its been playing on my mind a little. To be continued.

You know what makes me angry? Babies and toddlers getting their ears pierced. Something about hearing a littel girl screaming and bawling in the beauty shop as her skin is mutilated for beauty standards really, really shits me, in an irrational GRAAAA sort of way. Oh, I know plenty of people who themselves got their ears pierced at four years old or six months old or whatever, and they seem to be normal human beings, but I just can't. get behind. why you would subject a perfectly beautiful little toddler to pain that they don't understand, for a PERMANENT CHANGE IN THEIR BODY SO THEY CAN WEAR PINK STUDS. Pink studs which the parent will have to clean and rotate on schedule, because oh yeah babies don't really have that autonomy to look after their own bodies yet, do they. Oh, I alter my own body in ways to appear attractive by societal beauty standards all the time - my hair has highlights, my eyebrows and girly bits are waxed, legs shaved, I wear make-up, etc etc. But I think, in an ideal world, everyone would do those things knowing that they are doing them based on an ideal of beauty, understanding what the process will entail (pain, stubbly regrowth, monetary expense, etc) and being able to independently manage the effects (the steps to prevent infection around the piercing site, for example). To do otherwise just... well, it doesn't even make me angry any more, it just makes me feel a little sad and sick. But I'll get off my soap box.

In fact, I'm going to go to the gym. I have a three week membership. Other airconditioning-based plans for the day include: watching Greys Anatomy, and possibly cleaning out my bookshelf. We'll see which one of those gets priority.

New Years fun

Today began at 5 am. I woke to DW's ridiculously loud and cheerful mexican-themed phone alarm, and gave him a shove because he, astoundingly, still lay sleeping. "I'll put it for nine more minutes on snooze," he mumbled, before rolling over and pulling all the sleeping bag with him in one move. Well, being cold and unable to get comfortable was an incentive to get out of bed after those nine minutes had passed.

It was DW's idea to leave the shack early, so as to catch the Southern Expressway before all the city-bound traffic clogged it up. When his suggestion was first met with a 'wha?" from me, he reminded me how nice it would be driving with the sun rising and all. True, the idea did have some romantic appeal. So this morning we chucked out all the old food from the fridge, packed the car, grumbled over the front door lock for some time (although the handle was technically locked, you could still actually push the door open. Shh.) and were gone soon after six. The shack doesn't have its own bin, and last year our group had made regular use of a dumpster in the shopping centre carpark. This year, the dumpsters were all in a locked area, so I hauled the bags from DWs boot into a council bin near a bus stop. Shh again. There was a sign on the bin warning of a $500 fine for doing just that, and DW conveniently stayed in the driver's seat while I carried out the leg work for our secret operation.

So, the house was barely stirring by the time I got home back to the red-barked gum trees of the North East. I've had a long and quiet day, filled with things like watching Greys Anatomy, reading Twilight and uploading photos to facebook.

And New Years Eve? New Years was fun. I, who had been momentarily concerned that we wouldn't have 'enough alcohol', rediscovered how easily I can get pissed. There was dancing in the shack, walking in the cold to the beach, H crying over her ex, me then getting sniffly to DW because I thought I had made her cry, peeing in the bushes, shouting greetings at everyone we passed, deciding that the beach was not the happening scene of last year, staggering back to the shack, collapsing on the bed with DW, being disturbed by the 18-year-old councillor flinging our door open to check on us (don't worry, he was an invite and not an enforcer of moral correctness), getting up again to socialise some more, hearing about the friend who decided to wade in the water and the other friend who freaked out thinking she had drowned, eventually dozing off, being stirred by DW for some bed-jiggling, becoming eventually weary of said shenanigans, realising it was now light, falling back asleep for a few hours and awakening with barely a hangover. DW couldn't say the same thing. Yay me for avoiding the tequila!

H's dad was arriving back from a trip a day earlier than planned, so she left with her full car of travellers on New Years Day. The other two friends (the issue-ridden beach-drowning pair) were staying at Goolwa and they also left. So, DW and I had the surprising bonus of a night to ourselves! Although DW had enjoyed himself and was indeed loud and extroverted with my buddies (especially his former work mate 'councillor Jones') I think he was very glad to wind down and have some peace and one-on-one company. We watched TV and cuddled, had a looong session of... shenanigans... and showered together afterward. Getting clean and dry after the shower gave me almost the same feeling that you have after the beach as a kid, that sense of being refreshed but worn out in a good way, unaware of the exercise that you'd been doing. I felt like going to the beach again in the evening, just to do it justice, you know? It was such a pretty coast and a nice night. DW was less keen, still feeling seedy and having little energy, but we went down there and ate at a fish and chip shop on the Esplanade, fulfilling my desire for beachside charm while avoiding the exertion of, you know, walking on the sand or anything. Then there was watching of game shows back at the shack (Temptation and Don't Forget the Lyrics), silly playfights over things like DWs persistent 'flub flub' noises, talking and cuddling and sleeping. And now we've done a circle from the beginning of the entry.

So, that was New Years. Overall pretty awesome, I'd say.

Thoughts

That what I want from DW and H is reversed. DW, sensing a little whining freak-outedness, retreats. My unhappiness is exacerbated. H, not 'feeling the vibe', sits me down on a little private couch and demands to know feelings, thoughts, deep secrets. I feel ooky.

That in general, I tell people 'personal' stuff as something of a duty, an acknowledgement within myself that a little discomfort now makes for a stronger friendship later. If people know how you feel, they can adjust any of the tiny choices they make every day with your feelings in mind, and most people are nice and will unthinkingly do this.

That there are then other people, who I am compelled to tell more. Those people are not always the ones who thrive on hearing more.

That I could not ask for a better boyfriend to be there for me if I had a real problem.

That said boyfriend does not, however, tolerate silly self-absorbed worries and whinges with the same respect and time as he would give for something concrete.

That on one hand, his reluctance to do so is because of his own impatience. And hey, I've been on that end before, and I get that. What I also get is that you tolerate annoying blah blah from people you love.

That at the same time, I shouldn't be irritated by his dismissiveness. Regardless of intent, or lack of, treating insignificant problems in that way is probably a good thing. Forcing me to deal with the issue of concern without a big show of support is a good thing for me, I believe. You can become tempted to lean on somebody too much.

That I've seen the above happen with friends, and that's why I recognise that however much I want to hold DW's hand when I'm not feeling completely content, there's a slippery slope leading to needing to hold the hand in more and more situations, and soon we're at a self-indulgent point of ridiculousness where widdle old me can't handle anything alone.

That social anxiety has the potential to be contagious.

That I seem to need just one male at a party who thinks particularly fondly of me, to be socially content. Be it a boyfriend who may be on the other side of the room, be it that guy you have a tendency to flirt with when tipsy, be it your male friend who respects you but would never go further. Just somebody who notices when you've got a new dress, who cares when you stop speaking.

That being part of a couple can separate you from the social dynamics of a group, but in a good way.

...Yeah, that's about it.

Electric Field

I've had a lovely five days off, during which I:

- Went to the city on a Sunday by myself. It's weird that the city is actually much more old-timey on Sundays than the suburbs are. Even the stores that trade Sundays (and they advertise this so excitedly!) are only open something like 11-3. Not that I mind, it's just kind of... cute... that suburban plazas will be open for another two hours after city shops close up. Although, maybe it makes sense with the price it'd cost to trade in a better area or something... anyway. It was pleasant to wander down Rundle Street in my long swishy skirt. I discovered that you can buy quick-drying underwear made out of soy in outdoor shops, furthering my confusion about soy.

- Had two chilled-out nights of birthday celebrations. Friend #1 is a smart girl from the country who we had dinner with in town to celebrate her 20th. She also invited Friend #2, a guy from high school who I have a close but antagonistic friendship with. I think we were probably perceived as a couple (a bickery, 'well-this-one-time-he-did-this-thing' type couple) until I set somebody correct. Thank goodness we're not a couple, though. Stressing out beforehand that we're going to be late is more fun with my real boyfriend.

We went to a cocktail bar afterwards, which, being a Tuesday, was almost empty. I actually thought this was rocking, and we spread out over the couches. Unfortunately I had driven us, as a gesture of goodwill towards my companion, who often drives me due to his reluctance to drink and my propensity towards it. So I could not waste my money on expensive but awesome-sounding drinks involving chocolate and butterscotch. That's what I get!

Oh, and I got scared afterwards because I thought a creepy man with no arms was lunging towards us as we walked back to the car. Turns out he had his arms inside his tee-shirt, presumably because it was cold, and he was actually just making a step towards an arriving bus. Whew!

Friend #2, the same one starring in the anecdote about Friend #1, had a birthday dinner at the local golf club the night after. Pros: I got to see some friends which I hadn't for a while, DW came, my meal was nice, my wine was nice. Cons: The table was much too large and awkward, DW and I argued somewhat, there was boring debate about vegetarianism from my newly vegetarian friend who claims that she doesn't preach, but somehow ends up preaching each meal. And we didn't go anywhere afterwards, so that was kind of boring, although I wouldn't have been able to drink even if we did because I drove again (am I earning enough brownie points yet?). A few of us did get silly icecream from Cold Rock afterwards and then I went back to DW's house for Adult Fun Time, so maybe the lack of group party action was a good thing after all.

- Watched two episodes of Survivor, which were quite entertaining. I think Ozzy is under the impression that he is the only person to actually ever have been voted off or 'betrayed' (I put that in quotations because what works in Survivor suddenly sounds lame in real-world-talk), so dark and bitter were his glares from the 'jury' (...again).

- Went to Glenelg with DW today, an endeavor which involved six separate trips on public transport, but was quite a nice day out. It was cloudy and warm but sort of raining sporadically, which wasn't the best beachside weather, but then again I hate bright sun so I didn't mind. Plus, it meant that Glenelg wasn't too busy with kids on school holidays, which DW appreciated too. Haha, we're such old people. I bought a dress from a surf shop which I was quite happy with, being girlishly buoyed in spirits by a cute and well-fitting purchase, and a book about dogs which DW couldn't justify getting for himself so I said I'd give it to him for Christmas.

- Came to the shocking realisation that 1) The phrase, "Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?" refers to an actual body-part chest, not, like... a wooden chest. Or does it? More extensive research may have to be undertaken... and 2) The MGMT song is called 'Electric Feel', not 'Electric Field' as I had otherwise thought. Sigh. The latter is a much cooler title.

Yeah... presumably there was more that occurred over five days, but that's all that springs to mind. That, and I should go to bed, since I'm starting at 6 am tomorrow. Oh and by the way, I'm glad I appreciated my time off because I'm now working nine days straight.... ew.

Friday Freefall

New appointments:

My little sister has just been employed at her first job, a music store. Despite her being one of the youngest and least musically hardcore people at the interview group, her sunny disposition and the cheap cost of junior labour seem to have worked in her favour. If this leads to her wanting to get those large holes in her earlobes, I picked it first.

DW has been offered a position with the state ambulance services, after a long and arduous selection process. He won't start until next year though.

Turkey plans changed: Destination Burneo! Orangutangs, mountain climbing, snorkelling, beaches. I'm excited. Ok, it's not booked yet, but H and I are both pretty certain and confident. Cheaper airfares, a tour that's more inclusive of what we want to do and fits between semesters, relatively safer area (if you don't count jungle fever, I guess). (Real question: what is jungle feature? Can you catch it in Burneo?)

Although some people claim to need study days, etc, and others are working at their supermarket storeman jobs at 5:30 am tomorrow, I'm going to DW's house soon to hang out. This prospect has brightened my mood. Now I'm going to eat some soup.