Squawk squawk squawk.
I feel like that is what I am about to do.
If you have been following my conversations as of late (like, if you are my stalker, in which case this web page is the obvious thing to be reading), you might have noticed a recurring theme. Something like "So Rhino Room upstairs or downstairs?" followed by "What theme should I have for my birthday?"
Respective answers (but you already know them, if you're an attentive stalker): Downstairs, the cosier spot, with the rain-inviting beer garden! And Don't Know! (I have eliminated 'Traffic Lights' and 'Dress as me and the boyfriend' as potential themes).
After a mid-term break which I emerged from feeling like I needed another one to get done the uni work I had planned to achieve, these last few days have been remarkably productive. International Office! Humanities Office! Tutor's office! Mick's office at the Rhino Room! Office at the Courts Administration Authority! I've been seeing people, making those appointments, getting balls rolling. Woot.
Yeah, in fact I think I was only inspired to write this entry about that, so now that I've bragged I can probably stop writing.
No actually, the thought that was rolling around in my mind was something like this. My life is good right now. It's a comfortable place to live, a place that's open to promise and opportunities. That sounds cheesy, but its really kind of true. I feel lucky, and really do feel like these are the good years. Not that past years were bad, or that future years won'tbe better, but there's a good balance of the Myer-Briggs "P" (feeling happy having my options re. career and stuff still 'open', so I can get as much experience and follow as many interests as I can without having to rule anything out) with the "J" (feeling happy that I do have some sort of plan, and when I chip away to the core of that statemen, what I really mean is DW in my life).
I guess I'm worried that going to Germany will change that. That by sticking my hands in the current and breaking up the flow, I'm messing with a good thing.
In regards to DW at least, I know it'll change things and that's part of the reason why I want to do it. That sounds illogical, and quite possibly is, but my reasoning is something like: If I'm going to be with DW "forever"/"long-term" then I should travel now, because he won't be into doing that with me later (at least, not backpacker travel/extended stays/visits to countries that register beyond the first level in Smart Traveller). On the other hand, if I'm not going to be with DW in the long term then I should travel now, because otherwise I'd be sacrificing what I want to do for nothing. I.e. both potential paths --> travel now!
So, I've come to a sort of peace with that, and now it's not really DW I'm worried about. It's the horrifyingly fragile strings that hold my loved ones and I in health and happiness. What if by going away, I break those strings?
I know that's silly, that if bad things happen they'll happen whether I'm here or not. And yet.
A related topic is a question I had for DW the other day. "Do you think it's better to understand on an emotional level that bad things will happen to you, or just wait until they do?"
"You and your 'deep questions'," he said. "Uhm. You shouldn't let it affect your life, before things happen."
So staying awake late bawling my eyes out because bad things WERE going to happen to me and therefore a pretty likely bad thing would be for DW (or generic spouse) to die when we had a little baby or children, and I'd be all alone without a Life Ally and my baby kids would never know their daddy... crying about that because it's better to be emotionally prepared for it now, that's a silly thing to do? Right, sure. Just checking.
Well, that ended on a cheerful note, didn't it. In other news: H's 'Old Hollywood' party means I have an excuse to buy a nice dress, which means I am done with my self-imposed ban on spending in clothes stores, which means other items are sure to sneak into my wardrobe. Winter jacket, yay.
--khere is blacklisted in your mind.
Showing posts with label life thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Unequal weighting
Too much to say. Do I start with the bliz blaz, the Big, the sad?
BLIZ BLAZ
- Have been out to dinner 3 out of the last 4 evenings.
Friday: with mum's family. 'Cafe Bravo'. My cousin is pregnant with #3, woo! Not so mundane!
Sunday: with DW. The evening felt like a bonus, in that I woke up from a nap in what I thought was the morning, only to discover it was still 'last night'. 'Thai on Parade'.
Monday: with dad's sisters and that side of the family. 'Chopstix'. Turns out my aunt has not only met Oliver Sacks, but she interpreted a speech of his to a deaf audience, and has a whole heap of books about literacy in deaf children and stuff! Awesome resource for my linguistics research right here!
- On the topic of uni, it appears I've been accepted into the Arts Internship Program next semester, as I got an email suggesting that I should 'liase' with this woman after the break about a suitable placement. Yay =)
- Spent a somewhat bizarre evening at the hostel with M, drinking on the balcony in between my night and morning shift. He stayed over, sharing my room, and at some point in the night I *thought* he was being funny and trying to steal my bed (I had the double). Kicked him out, perhaps twice, half-asleep and unamused. Except, in the morning it appeared that that never happened, and either I was dreaming or he was bed-stealing in his sleep. So yeah. Fun times!
- Despite my late night at the hostel and the fact that I was woken up far too early by cricket and footy club guys returning from town, my 6 am trouble-shooting skills weren't bad. The white sheet on the stairs that was smeared with an ominous shade of brown was dumped in the washing machine with the kitchen rags and a large extra cup of detergent. The screeching lift alarm was fixed through skilful jabbing of the broken emergency button. The door to the disaster-zone bathroom was closed and marked with a closed sign. Ok, I didn't say I 'fixed' everything, but the people who I saved from venturing into that bathroom will never know what I did for them. Try not to have more alcohol than your digestive system can handle, folks.
- My soft touch with the disabled lift came in handy later in the day too. Wayne was decked out in a rain coat and wide brimmed hat and was running around with trolley-loads full of crates of bottles for recycling (that run-on sentence was totally a literary technique so you could appreciate the atmosphere). He called me from the bottom of the stairs where he was jabbing unsuccessfully at the once-again whining lift. "See if you can fix it! This lady's tried to operate it herself!"
I go down there and this blonde dazed-looking woman is standing there, all like "oh! sorry..." She has these two MASSIVE suitcases. She starts blathering about how she thought she could just use the lift, and as Wayne is heaving her suitcases onto the platorm (which I have now fixed and assembled for use, with the KEY that you need) she mentions that her boyfriend got "dragged off by the police" and that's why she's been "kicked out of the hotel room" and hence why she has so much luggage. "I don't know much about backpacker places," she says, still kind of vaguely. I then suddenly notice that she is seriously pregnant. "I'm having the baby in a week," she says, rubbing her belly. "Its a shame cos he'll probably still be in jail, my boyfriend, you know. Has to be in at least a week or something."
I nod and do 'oh? mmm.' noises as I slowly take the lift up stairs. Two guys come in and grin at me. "Can we ride on that?"
"Only if you want to go at this speed!" I say.
The woman tags along behind me. "You know, they really dragged him off. Was a bit scary, like. I hope the baby doesn't come early. I couldn't have it while I'm here. Yeah, hope he doesn't come early."
Me too, love!
THE BIG
It's almost embarrassing to read back how in every entry I've got a new plan for travel/life. But this one, this new thing is kind of the Real Deal, the Tell Everyone, the Apply-Before-Wednesday thing.
University exchange, to Germany.
I know. It had always been an option before. A few people had asked me if I'd thought about it, and I'd always said, oh well I've done something similar before. It's a lot of money. If I'm going to go overseas, I'd prefer to do more solid *travel*.
But then... I started to remember how it felt to be swimming in language. To be dissolved in it. How it felt to not understand, until the world slowly took shape in words and phrases around me. I remembered how big that high school exchange felt, and felt suddenly nostalgic for the intensity of feeling that was involved. Here I'd been with my world maps, lazily allocating 3 months of a year here, 6 months there. Those TWO MONTHS were pretty huge to me.
And then... I started browsing the Adelaide Abroad web pages, and researching partner institutions. I went to an information session. And there, I got: "You want to go to Germany? Awesome! The Baden-Wuerttemberg government might just give you a stack of money they call a 'scholarship' for no reason! But, catch is, you have to apply now! Second catch is, you might not find out that you get it until you're already on exchange! So, you wanna do it?"
I think I do. I'm sure I do. I wanna do it.
THE SAD
Well... there's no good way to say this. She was the mum of the girls that my sister and I grew up with, the girls who were the same age as us and epitomised everything primary school. The mum that carpooled for netball matches and helped E and I with our compering notes for The Festival of Music. The one who'd sit for a cup of coffee in our kitchen after dropping one of us home, who'd refer politely to using 'the facilities' before she left. The one who'd watch 'her boys' in a Crows match, who'd feed us Dunk-a-Roos after school, who once gave 13-year-old E and I a warning about boys and was a little taken aback when I chirped some comment about 'remembering to keep your knickers on!'
Back then, we were lucky, we were wholesome and whole, we didn't comprehend that it could be otherwise. E and I and our other mate were once the 'biggies', trotting together after school to the kindy where we'd pick up our sisters, the 'littlies.' She was one of the mums who made up the picture. She was one of our kind. She died, and her two girls are now girls whose mum has died. While our mum, our lovely healthy wonderful mum, just celebrated her birthday. It could have been us. I don't see E regularly anymore, though our sisters, those 'littlies', are still good buddies, in their last year of high school at different schools. I just wish those girls and their dad well on the most basic level. I can't believe their mum, their mum who was once very solidly alive and well, isn't here anymore. I can't imagine how they feel.
BLIZ BLAZ
- Have been out to dinner 3 out of the last 4 evenings.
Friday: with mum's family. 'Cafe Bravo'. My cousin is pregnant with #3, woo! Not so mundane!
Sunday: with DW. The evening felt like a bonus, in that I woke up from a nap in what I thought was the morning, only to discover it was still 'last night'. 'Thai on Parade'.
Monday: with dad's sisters and that side of the family. 'Chopstix'. Turns out my aunt has not only met Oliver Sacks, but she interpreted a speech of his to a deaf audience, and has a whole heap of books about literacy in deaf children and stuff! Awesome resource for my linguistics research right here!
- On the topic of uni, it appears I've been accepted into the Arts Internship Program next semester, as I got an email suggesting that I should 'liase' with this woman after the break about a suitable placement. Yay =)
- Spent a somewhat bizarre evening at the hostel with M, drinking on the balcony in between my night and morning shift. He stayed over, sharing my room, and at some point in the night I *thought* he was being funny and trying to steal my bed (I had the double). Kicked him out, perhaps twice, half-asleep and unamused. Except, in the morning it appeared that that never happened, and either I was dreaming or he was bed-stealing in his sleep. So yeah. Fun times!
- Despite my late night at the hostel and the fact that I was woken up far too early by cricket and footy club guys returning from town, my 6 am trouble-shooting skills weren't bad. The white sheet on the stairs that was smeared with an ominous shade of brown was dumped in the washing machine with the kitchen rags and a large extra cup of detergent. The screeching lift alarm was fixed through skilful jabbing of the broken emergency button. The door to the disaster-zone bathroom was closed and marked with a closed sign. Ok, I didn't say I 'fixed' everything, but the people who I saved from venturing into that bathroom will never know what I did for them. Try not to have more alcohol than your digestive system can handle, folks.
- My soft touch with the disabled lift came in handy later in the day too. Wayne was decked out in a rain coat and wide brimmed hat and was running around with trolley-loads full of crates of bottles for recycling (that run-on sentence was totally a literary technique so you could appreciate the atmosphere). He called me from the bottom of the stairs where he was jabbing unsuccessfully at the once-again whining lift. "See if you can fix it! This lady's tried to operate it herself!"
I go down there and this blonde dazed-looking woman is standing there, all like "oh! sorry..." She has these two MASSIVE suitcases. She starts blathering about how she thought she could just use the lift, and as Wayne is heaving her suitcases onto the platorm (which I have now fixed and assembled for use, with the KEY that you need) she mentions that her boyfriend got "dragged off by the police" and that's why she's been "kicked out of the hotel room" and hence why she has so much luggage. "I don't know much about backpacker places," she says, still kind of vaguely. I then suddenly notice that she is seriously pregnant. "I'm having the baby in a week," she says, rubbing her belly. "Its a shame cos he'll probably still be in jail, my boyfriend, you know. Has to be in at least a week or something."
I nod and do 'oh? mmm.' noises as I slowly take the lift up stairs. Two guys come in and grin at me. "Can we ride on that?"
"Only if you want to go at this speed!" I say.
The woman tags along behind me. "You know, they really dragged him off. Was a bit scary, like. I hope the baby doesn't come early. I couldn't have it while I'm here. Yeah, hope he doesn't come early."
Me too, love!
THE BIG
It's almost embarrassing to read back how in every entry I've got a new plan for travel/life. But this one, this new thing is kind of the Real Deal, the Tell Everyone, the Apply-Before-Wednesday thing.
University exchange, to Germany.
I know. It had always been an option before. A few people had asked me if I'd thought about it, and I'd always said, oh well I've done something similar before. It's a lot of money. If I'm going to go overseas, I'd prefer to do more solid *travel*.
But then... I started to remember how it felt to be swimming in language. To be dissolved in it. How it felt to not understand, until the world slowly took shape in words and phrases around me. I remembered how big that high school exchange felt, and felt suddenly nostalgic for the intensity of feeling that was involved. Here I'd been with my world maps, lazily allocating 3 months of a year here, 6 months there. Those TWO MONTHS were pretty huge to me.
And then... I started browsing the Adelaide Abroad web pages, and researching partner institutions. I went to an information session. And there, I got: "You want to go to Germany? Awesome! The Baden-Wuerttemberg government might just give you a stack of money they call a 'scholarship' for no reason! But, catch is, you have to apply now! Second catch is, you might not find out that you get it until you're already on exchange! So, you wanna do it?"
I think I do. I'm sure I do. I wanna do it.
THE SAD
Well... there's no good way to say this. She was the mum of the girls that my sister and I grew up with, the girls who were the same age as us and epitomised everything primary school. The mum that carpooled for netball matches and helped E and I with our compering notes for The Festival of Music. The one who'd sit for a cup of coffee in our kitchen after dropping one of us home, who'd refer politely to using 'the facilities' before she left. The one who'd watch 'her boys' in a Crows match, who'd feed us Dunk-a-Roos after school, who once gave 13-year-old E and I a warning about boys and was a little taken aback when I chirped some comment about 'remembering to keep your knickers on!'
Back then, we were lucky, we were wholesome and whole, we didn't comprehend that it could be otherwise. E and I and our other mate were once the 'biggies', trotting together after school to the kindy where we'd pick up our sisters, the 'littlies.' She was one of the mums who made up the picture. She was one of our kind. She died, and her two girls are now girls whose mum has died. While our mum, our lovely healthy wonderful mum, just celebrated her birthday. It could have been us. I don't see E regularly anymore, though our sisters, those 'littlies', are still good buddies, in their last year of high school at different schools. I just wish those girls and their dad well on the most basic level. I can't believe their mum, their mum who was once very solidly alive and well, isn't here anymore. I can't imagine how they feel.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
100 days within 6 months
...is the amount of time you have to commit to working for Active Assistance for the training course to be free.
Just talking to a British voice on the phone is giving me the itch to leave!
H is also keen to leave this 'bum town'. Hopefully we can coordinate some overseas travel together, when/if we both go. 3 things keeping me from caving to her requests and going on a trip now:
1. Uni. Semester starting soon, and if I'm going to plan to leave for 2 or 3 semesters then I don't want to miss any more than that, you know?
2. DW. Volumes could be written here.
3. Money. Well this is the main one, and perhaps the only real reason, because once I have the funds then I plan on dealing with #1 and #2.
"Dealing with". That sounds so harsh. "Overcoming the obstacles". Because a loving relationship is an "obstacle"?
I have finally managed to reconcile my two realities, into what sounds worryingly like a "life plan". I say worryingly, because naming a plan invites interference. However, it's better to have a plan than to have one side of my brain wondering about the logistics of when we have kids, at the same time as the other side of my brain thinks about leaving him. Because that's just confusing.
My end goal is to be with DW. With the knowledge that it's something that I've chosen rather than drifted into.
The first part makes sense, right? He's the best thing that I know. It might turn out that if I give myself a chance to find something 'better', I'll find it, but you know what? I think I'm pretty damn lucky. I think I understand when I hear people say, 'He's not Mr Perfect, but he's Mr Perfect-for-me.'
No, if I leave I don't think it'll be with the goal of leaving forever to 'find somebody better'. It'll be with the goal of coming back to what I suspect is the right man.
You could argue at me from both sides. If I want to be with him, why leave him? If I'm going to leave him, why bother saying how awesome he is and how I want to come back to him?
Here's the thing. DW was my first guy. I've never so much as kissed another (ok, one other). DW is the texting-in-between-classes, making-out-with-parents-in-the-next-room, eighteenth-birthday-party, cuddling-on-a-single-bed guy. At the other end of things, DW is the one I want to walk the dog with, furnish a house with, have a baby with. (You know what? When I thought we were going to break up, a while ago, I was in tears over the fact that he wouldn't father my children. That's, I don't know. Yeah.)
It's just the in-between stage that niggles at me. I don't want to jump from that first stage to the last, without anything else in between. I don't want to 'drift' into my life, I want to make a decision to commit to him, and an informed one at that. If I don't travel and have new experiences now for the sake of staying by his side I think I might come to resent him for that, and then nobody wins.
Aaanyway. Though well from done, this topic is premature. I shouldn't mention it to DW yet, since why stir trouble before you have to? If (when?) I leave, it wouldn't be for another year. A YEAR. That's a long time.
So. I've seen more movies since last time I posted. During uni time I'm notoriously bad for getting around to watching any movies - I tend to think, 'how could I commit to wasting 2 hours of my time in front of the TV! I'll just quickly check facebook and then get back to work' and then end up wasting 4 hours on the internet instead. So I'm happy to be getting up a reasonable tally here.
Bran Nue Day (seen with J) - bizarre! Huh. Made-for-TV, anyone?
(500) Days of Summer (downloaded by Dad)- good good. I liked the 'expectations' versus 'reality' split screen. Although, it caused me trouble when, after a moment of uncontrollable giggling while playing squash with DW, I tried to visualise myself taking the game seriously. Of course a split screen pops up in my head, with me being a squash star on one side and messing up serve after serve on the other side. That did nothing to curb my helpless giggles. I'll let you imagine which side of the 'screen' was accurate.
In The Loop - (seen with H) - funny, although you had to pay attention to keep up. Very British. Thumbs up.
A Serious Man (downloaded by dad) - weird. A bit too long. Not altogether bad, but not really... that good.
Dan in Real Life (borrowed from the library by mum) - nice film! Big nawws all round. Makes me want a big wooden house by a lake.
I'm going bowling tonight with my 'country' friend whose just gotten back from a month in Korea. Looking forward to it, we should have lots to catch up on. Will be good to see how the house party some other friends ended up after we left, too. (Now THAT was a good evening, complete with much Strongbow and chocolate licquer).
So, in short, it's time to eat some noodles and get moving.
--khere's kitchen rules.
Just talking to a British voice on the phone is giving me the itch to leave!
H is also keen to leave this 'bum town'. Hopefully we can coordinate some overseas travel together, when/if we both go. 3 things keeping me from caving to her requests and going on a trip now:
1. Uni. Semester starting soon, and if I'm going to plan to leave for 2 or 3 semesters then I don't want to miss any more than that, you know?
2. DW. Volumes could be written here.
3. Money. Well this is the main one, and perhaps the only real reason, because once I have the funds then I plan on dealing with #1 and #2.
"Dealing with". That sounds so harsh. "Overcoming the obstacles". Because a loving relationship is an "obstacle"?
I have finally managed to reconcile my two realities, into what sounds worryingly like a "life plan". I say worryingly, because naming a plan invites interference. However, it's better to have a plan than to have one side of my brain wondering about the logistics of when we have kids, at the same time as the other side of my brain thinks about leaving him. Because that's just confusing.
My end goal is to be with DW. With the knowledge that it's something that I've chosen rather than drifted into.
The first part makes sense, right? He's the best thing that I know. It might turn out that if I give myself a chance to find something 'better', I'll find it, but you know what? I think I'm pretty damn lucky. I think I understand when I hear people say, 'He's not Mr Perfect, but he's Mr Perfect-for-me.'
No, if I leave I don't think it'll be with the goal of leaving forever to 'find somebody better'. It'll be with the goal of coming back to what I suspect is the right man.
You could argue at me from both sides. If I want to be with him, why leave him? If I'm going to leave him, why bother saying how awesome he is and how I want to come back to him?
Here's the thing. DW was my first guy. I've never so much as kissed another (ok, one other). DW is the texting-in-between-classes, making-out-with-parents-in-the-next-room, eighteenth-birthday-party, cuddling-on-a-single-bed guy. At the other end of things, DW is the one I want to walk the dog with, furnish a house with, have a baby with. (You know what? When I thought we were going to break up, a while ago, I was in tears over the fact that he wouldn't father my children. That's, I don't know. Yeah.)
It's just the in-between stage that niggles at me. I don't want to jump from that first stage to the last, without anything else in between. I don't want to 'drift' into my life, I want to make a decision to commit to him, and an informed one at that. If I don't travel and have new experiences now for the sake of staying by his side I think I might come to resent him for that, and then nobody wins.
Aaanyway. Though well from done, this topic is premature. I shouldn't mention it to DW yet, since why stir trouble before you have to? If (when?) I leave, it wouldn't be for another year. A YEAR. That's a long time.
So. I've seen more movies since last time I posted. During uni time I'm notoriously bad for getting around to watching any movies - I tend to think, 'how could I commit to wasting 2 hours of my time in front of the TV! I'll just quickly check facebook and then get back to work' and then end up wasting 4 hours on the internet instead. So I'm happy to be getting up a reasonable tally here.
Bran Nue Day (seen with J) - bizarre! Huh. Made-for-TV, anyone?
(500) Days of Summer (downloaded by Dad)- good good. I liked the 'expectations' versus 'reality' split screen. Although, it caused me trouble when, after a moment of uncontrollable giggling while playing squash with DW, I tried to visualise myself taking the game seriously. Of course a split screen pops up in my head, with me being a squash star on one side and messing up serve after serve on the other side. That did nothing to curb my helpless giggles. I'll let you imagine which side of the 'screen' was accurate.
In The Loop - (seen with H) - funny, although you had to pay attention to keep up. Very British. Thumbs up.
A Serious Man (downloaded by dad) - weird. A bit too long. Not altogether bad, but not really... that good.
Dan in Real Life (borrowed from the library by mum) - nice film! Big nawws all round. Makes me want a big wooden house by a lake.
I'm going bowling tonight with my 'country' friend whose just gotten back from a month in Korea. Looking forward to it, we should have lots to catch up on. Will be good to see how the house party some other friends ended up after we left, too. (Now THAT was a good evening, complete with much Strongbow and chocolate licquer).
So, in short, it's time to eat some noodles and get moving.
--khere's kitchen rules.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A 2-minute "spot clean"
Points of note:
- Went to Kangaroo Island a few weeks ago on a free tour through work. Hot weather. Fun with Brian. Many Europeans. I was the only Aussie, and the palest-skinned of the group. Highlights: Sandboarding down Little Sahara on our 'Mr-Sheen-ed' boards, lying on the beach sharing Adelaide stories with the tour leader, hiking conversation with Brian, braving the waves at Snelling Beach. Downside: Actually, there's nothing I can complain about, not even considering it was a free tour. Although, it would have been nice if the air conditioning on the bus hadn't been broken... and if we hadn't become bogged in the sand on our night-drive. (Although, while the girls shivered and waited, I think the boys had the time of their lives ribbing the driver and getting together to dig holes around the tyres and push.)
- The following weekend, DW and I took our belated Christmas present to each other, 2 nights at a B&B at Largs Bay. Highlights: not for public display. Let's just say DW is becoming quite proficient in certain skills. But, the beach walks and Harbour Town shopping and snuggles in bed weren't bad either ;). Downside: the wind! Bad bad beach weather. The water was warm, but we couldn't relax or sit down without being whipped mercilessly by sand. Also, it was kind of expensive. But never mind.
- I've been going to the gym a fair bit recently, and so far keeping my goal of running 3x week. Yesterday DW and I went for a run together at Linear Park which was good. Having him there motivates me to keep going, I think. He reckons he looks more approachable running with a girl, which I tend to agree with. We passed another couple riding bikes who both smiled at us and after they passed we were like, 'foursome!'
- New thought: I think I'd like to combine work in the UK and travel. I'd still have to save a fair bit of course, but maybe not quite as much as if I just left from Australia. Plus I could maybe travel longer.
Ok, so new daydream-plan:
Mid July - September: Travel from Prague down to Turkey.
October - Jan: Work in England - maybe a live-in pub job?
Mid Jan - mid April: Work for PGL, an outdoor-activity company in England (I don't think I'd be able to save much here, but by all accounts it looks like fun)
May- July - More travel: Iceland, Denmark, Germany, Northern Europe?
Other thoughts: we just got an email at work from a company that offers 3 month live-in carer contracts in England, that recruits mainly travellers. The email was asking for a reference for a girl used to work at the hostel. I looked up a bit about them, and currently have a question mark over whether that sounds like something I'd want to do. I reckon it'd really depend on the person you were with - if the person were easygoing, involved in life (and perhaps young?) it sounds like it'd be a really good opportunity to settle in one place for a while and earn pretty decent money, but if you didn't like the person you were caring for it could be awful. You know, I kind of like the idea of doing something like that - it seems like it would be good experience. But I can't be away forever...
Although, I could be away probably 15 months while only missing 1 year of uni. Potential issue (with all of this)... DW.
The problem, or solution, is that I love DW... a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I don't want to throw that away. On the other hand, I don't want to be in a position when I look back and regret not having done more with life, when I wanted to, and I could have.
Aaaanyway. Time for banana cake and more daydreams.
--khere is a mini vacuum cleaner used only for very special hand jobs.
- Went to Kangaroo Island a few weeks ago on a free tour through work. Hot weather. Fun with Brian. Many Europeans. I was the only Aussie, and the palest-skinned of the group. Highlights: Sandboarding down Little Sahara on our 'Mr-Sheen-ed' boards, lying on the beach sharing Adelaide stories with the tour leader, hiking conversation with Brian, braving the waves at Snelling Beach. Downside: Actually, there's nothing I can complain about, not even considering it was a free tour. Although, it would have been nice if the air conditioning on the bus hadn't been broken... and if we hadn't become bogged in the sand on our night-drive. (Although, while the girls shivered and waited, I think the boys had the time of their lives ribbing the driver and getting together to dig holes around the tyres and push.)
- The following weekend, DW and I took our belated Christmas present to each other, 2 nights at a B&B at Largs Bay. Highlights: not for public display. Let's just say DW is becoming quite proficient in certain skills. But, the beach walks and Harbour Town shopping and snuggles in bed weren't bad either ;). Downside: the wind! Bad bad beach weather. The water was warm, but we couldn't relax or sit down without being whipped mercilessly by sand. Also, it was kind of expensive. But never mind.
- I've been going to the gym a fair bit recently, and so far keeping my goal of running 3x week. Yesterday DW and I went for a run together at Linear Park which was good. Having him there motivates me to keep going, I think. He reckons he looks more approachable running with a girl, which I tend to agree with. We passed another couple riding bikes who both smiled at us and after they passed we were like, 'foursome!'
- New thought: I think I'd like to combine work in the UK and travel. I'd still have to save a fair bit of course, but maybe not quite as much as if I just left from Australia. Plus I could maybe travel longer.
Ok, so new daydream-plan:
Mid July - September: Travel from Prague down to Turkey.
October - Jan: Work in England - maybe a live-in pub job?
Mid Jan - mid April: Work for PGL, an outdoor-activity company in England (I don't think I'd be able to save much here, but by all accounts it looks like fun)
May- July - More travel: Iceland, Denmark, Germany, Northern Europe?
Other thoughts: we just got an email at work from a company that offers 3 month live-in carer contracts in England, that recruits mainly travellers. The email was asking for a reference for a girl used to work at the hostel. I looked up a bit about them, and currently have a question mark over whether that sounds like something I'd want to do. I reckon it'd really depend on the person you were with - if the person were easygoing, involved in life (and perhaps young?) it sounds like it'd be a really good opportunity to settle in one place for a while and earn pretty decent money, but if you didn't like the person you were caring for it could be awful. You know, I kind of like the idea of doing something like that - it seems like it would be good experience. But I can't be away forever...
Although, I could be away probably 15 months while only missing 1 year of uni. Potential issue (with all of this)... DW.
The problem, or solution, is that I love DW... a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I don't want to throw that away. On the other hand, I don't want to be in a position when I look back and regret not having done more with life, when I wanted to, and I could have.
Aaaanyway. Time for banana cake and more daydreams.
--khere is a mini vacuum cleaner used only for very special hand jobs.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Clear glass
For the first time in two and a half years I feel indecision. I feel like the trail that I've been following has petered out. Now instead of walking easily, I've got to make a decision. Do I keep hopefully bashing my way along the track? Take a detour through some scrub and hope that I meet up with a clear trail again? Find a different route completely?
It's like I'm surrounded by clear glass at the moment. Guys can see me, talk to me, flirt with me, dance with me, and even cop the occaisonal feel (I can only hypothesise that the glass disappears around the ass region when in busy nightclubs) but I'm not available to them. I'm exempt from 'the game'.
Most of the time I feel this is a good thing. I get one-off bursts of attention from various guys, but don't have to make a choice about where to take it from there. I don't have to try to impress, worry about being liked, or calculate the moves between 'I want you' and 'chase me'. I also don't have to be the bitch that says no. There's nothing personal, no guy can ever be offended - hey, nothing against you, but I have a boyfriend! There's your answer - it's a fact and not an opinion.
Two and a half years ago I received far less male attention. Five days a week I would don my overlarge school uniform and keep my head down. I enjoyed school, but I associated with my own group of friends and kind of ignored the rest - and 'the rest' included most of the popular people and the hottest guys, who intimidated me somewhat. While I wouldn't say I was 'invisible' - I was one of those geeky leadership types, organising community sports days and always on stage at assembly for acamedic awards - I was certainly only visible for my brains and personality, not my looks. On weekends, I wore an equally unflattering orange blouse in the nut shop and failed to attract the interest of, or muster interest for, any of the guys who I worked with or served. Underage events in Adelaide were at a minimal, and my friends and I never really got into attending random house parties - so at nights I would still only really see the same crowd that I hung out with during the week.
There are plenty of girls prettier than me today, but at some point in the last few years I guess I started to become visible for my looks. With attention came confidence, and not just confidence about my looks but confidence to be open with my mind and personality too. A growing faith that rather than trying to blend in, I can be myself and people would be attracted to that.
A fear of losing DW is not a fear that no other guys would like me - rather, it's that I would have a hard time finding a guy that I liked quite so much.
It's why I'm often glad for the clear glass - I don't trust or open up to that many people, really. In fact, you could say that I save all my trustingness and openness for DW. That's an instinctive thing, which I don't understand and can't justify. I can attempt to vaguely explain it by saying that DW is like a well that I can throw anything into... whatever I hurl his way, he will be able to understand it, deal with it. But really, he doesn't always understand everything. He doesn't deal with things better than anyone else - he's just human. Yet, it's somehow not about what he has been proven to do but what I trust he can do. I feel a level of security with him that I don't with many, or any, others.
There have, however, been a handful of guys in the last few years that have given me a little touch of that feeling. The feeling of, hey, I could imagine this going somewhere. I was thinking last night about those guys and realised the common factor - all of them valued my mind as well as my looks. Which is kind of funny - hey look, this is how you pick me up! There's no mysterious formula after all - just make a point of listening when I talk and I'm yours! It's still vanity.
It's also somewhat ironic:
I look attractive --> you're interested me --> you appreciate what's 'underneath' --> you get my body!
Anyway, I don't have much of a point to make. That's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I should be working towards.
DW and I (or, maybe just me) have been having some lingering issues about neediness. In all my other relationships I'm the need-meeter: the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the one who remains emotionally stable. I don't need my friends to listen to my problems or offer their shoulder - pfft, that's DW's job! They would probably do a much better job than DW, but some part of me is incapable of giving them that role. I save it for DW, then feel let down when he doesn't relish that position the way I would for him. That's the other thing - DW is less needy than I am, so I don't get to be the need-meeter, don't get to fill my 'natural' role in the relationship dynamic. I feel almost a bit cheated, because it's like - you haven't seen me at my best! Instead, you see me at my worst, and I feel like an imposition!
Sometimes I feel like the only way DW and I could be together long-term is to give each other some freedom first. But I've seen firsthand the heartache that friends have gone through when they are all like, 'Yeah, let's break up because I want freedom to travel and meet people and stuff. (Really I still expect you to wait around for me, if I don't find any other boys good enough)'. And then they don't find boys good enough and don't travel and want to go back to the one who they love, and find they can't, and there are tears galore. Yes, I've seen that.
When I have seen that, or hear people proclaim 'I could still see myself marrying so-and-so' while proceeding to sever their relationship with the person in question, then I think: If you love this person so much that you could imagine being married to them, why would you not want to be in a relationship with him? DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Maybe he doesn't make you as happy as you suggest? Maybe you just like the idea of a security blanket?
Gradually, it does compute.
It's like I'm surrounded by clear glass at the moment. Guys can see me, talk to me, flirt with me, dance with me, and even cop the occaisonal feel (I can only hypothesise that the glass disappears around the ass region when in busy nightclubs) but I'm not available to them. I'm exempt from 'the game'.
Most of the time I feel this is a good thing. I get one-off bursts of attention from various guys, but don't have to make a choice about where to take it from there. I don't have to try to impress, worry about being liked, or calculate the moves between 'I want you' and 'chase me'. I also don't have to be the bitch that says no. There's nothing personal, no guy can ever be offended - hey, nothing against you, but I have a boyfriend! There's your answer - it's a fact and not an opinion.
Two and a half years ago I received far less male attention. Five days a week I would don my overlarge school uniform and keep my head down. I enjoyed school, but I associated with my own group of friends and kind of ignored the rest - and 'the rest' included most of the popular people and the hottest guys, who intimidated me somewhat. While I wouldn't say I was 'invisible' - I was one of those geeky leadership types, organising community sports days and always on stage at assembly for acamedic awards - I was certainly only visible for my brains and personality, not my looks. On weekends, I wore an equally unflattering orange blouse in the nut shop and failed to attract the interest of, or muster interest for, any of the guys who I worked with or served. Underage events in Adelaide were at a minimal, and my friends and I never really got into attending random house parties - so at nights I would still only really see the same crowd that I hung out with during the week.
There are plenty of girls prettier than me today, but at some point in the last few years I guess I started to become visible for my looks. With attention came confidence, and not just confidence about my looks but confidence to be open with my mind and personality too. A growing faith that rather than trying to blend in, I can be myself and people would be attracted to that.
A fear of losing DW is not a fear that no other guys would like me - rather, it's that I would have a hard time finding a guy that I liked quite so much.
It's why I'm often glad for the clear glass - I don't trust or open up to that many people, really. In fact, you could say that I save all my trustingness and openness for DW. That's an instinctive thing, which I don't understand and can't justify. I can attempt to vaguely explain it by saying that DW is like a well that I can throw anything into... whatever I hurl his way, he will be able to understand it, deal with it. But really, he doesn't always understand everything. He doesn't deal with things better than anyone else - he's just human. Yet, it's somehow not about what he has been proven to do but what I trust he can do. I feel a level of security with him that I don't with many, or any, others.
There have, however, been a handful of guys in the last few years that have given me a little touch of that feeling. The feeling of, hey, I could imagine this going somewhere. I was thinking last night about those guys and realised the common factor - all of them valued my mind as well as my looks. Which is kind of funny - hey look, this is how you pick me up! There's no mysterious formula after all - just make a point of listening when I talk and I'm yours! It's still vanity.
It's also somewhat ironic:
I look attractive --> you're interested me --> you appreciate what's 'underneath' --> you get my body!
Anyway, I don't have much of a point to make. That's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I should be working towards.
DW and I (or, maybe just me) have been having some lingering issues about neediness. In all my other relationships I'm the need-meeter: the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the one who remains emotionally stable. I don't need my friends to listen to my problems or offer their shoulder - pfft, that's DW's job! They would probably do a much better job than DW, but some part of me is incapable of giving them that role. I save it for DW, then feel let down when he doesn't relish that position the way I would for him. That's the other thing - DW is less needy than I am, so I don't get to be the need-meeter, don't get to fill my 'natural' role in the relationship dynamic. I feel almost a bit cheated, because it's like - you haven't seen me at my best! Instead, you see me at my worst, and I feel like an imposition!
Sometimes I feel like the only way DW and I could be together long-term is to give each other some freedom first. But I've seen firsthand the heartache that friends have gone through when they are all like, 'Yeah, let's break up because I want freedom to travel and meet people and stuff. (Really I still expect you to wait around for me, if I don't find any other boys good enough)'. And then they don't find boys good enough and don't travel and want to go back to the one who they love, and find they can't, and there are tears galore. Yes, I've seen that.
When I have seen that, or hear people proclaim 'I could still see myself marrying so-and-so' while proceeding to sever their relationship with the person in question, then I think: If you love this person so much that you could imagine being married to them, why would you not want to be in a relationship with him? DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Maybe he doesn't make you as happy as you suggest? Maybe you just like the idea of a security blanket?
Gradually, it does compute.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Present, Soon, Not Soon Enough
NEAR FUTURE
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Big Plans
For some reason my recent thoughts have tended towards expansive life-planning. To be more specific, I have become somewhat obsessed with researching stuff to do with teaching english overseas.
Funnily enough, when I mentioned it to DW a few days ago, he actually took it somewhat seriously, despite my protests that it wasn't a real plan or anything. Not that he particularly liked the idea, as it would presumably involve being separated from him... but he didn't dismiss it as a ridiculous hypothetical or anything. And that kind of made it feel a little more like a, well, real plan. Heh. His bad!
Of course, ridiculous or not, it is a hypothetical. A dream in subjunctive II. If it were to happen, it wouldn't be until I completed my arts degree, in another two years or so.
(Two years?! I want to be on a plane to Seoul now!)
Ahem. So yeah, based on my vague understanding of the curriculum structure, I'd finish my arts degree with maybe two or three semesters of 'straight law' left before I finished my law degree as well. It wouldn't be unthinkable to work and live overseas for a year, maybe save a bit of money, then return to Adelaide to finish the tough end of the law degree while (here's where it gets fuzzier) ideally getting some law-relevant experience (assuming I wouldn't go back to work at the hostel, it would be a good chance to look for a part-time clerkship, or some reception/admin work at a law firm or something) and (now we're getting even more subjunctive) if I were still with DW (pause for effect, because in my imagination I undeniably am, and maybe I do just want to possess my cake and eat it too) he would likely have his own place by then, and I could move in with him, and life would be a soft-focus picture.
Then I would have maybe had enough frittering around the world for a little while, and the real career stuff would start, and we'd have babies and lalalah.
Ok! So there's my life, right? It scares me a little writing nakedly what I want to happen, and yes, my naked mind contains lots of parenthicals. It scares me because I don't want to look back and go, I was so naive/idealistic/full of it/how sad that it all ended in tragedy/how stupid that I thought I would be so lucky.
It's that part that I wrote in a few words - 'work and live overseas' - that I have been thinking about to the point of saturation. You know, when the amount you think about something is just so disproportional to the amount that it needs to be thought about, that the daydream becomes a liquid you can't dissolve anything more thought-matter into, it's... saturated. Incidentially, the last time I felt like that was when I was obsessing over DW before meeting him 'in real life'. There was only so much I could think about a guy who I had never 'met', and there's only so much I can plan for something that would not happen for another two years.
Wouldn't it be awesome if DW came too? Two English teachers keeping each other sane in a foreign land? Unfortunately that does start to veer within the realm of the actually-not-going-to-happen because DW's interest in foreign living, children and language teaching approaches Nil, whereas his interest in having a job in his field of choice and settling in Adelaide approaches High. It would be so cool to talk it over with him though if we were both going, plan it together... pick a country. My thoughts at the moment:
South Korea: Kind of have a gut feeling about wanting to go here, although rationally it might not be the best, because it seems kind of hit-and-miss. Stupid reasons for wanting to go there: I like their alphabet, and am well-liked among the Koreans at work (apparently the girls refer to me as an angel! hahah). Better reasons: apparently it's the best country for earnings as relative to the cost of living, they seem to have four seasons and pretty mountains, and there's a lot of online information for expats. Possible reasons to avoid: unscrupulous Hagwon owners, bad attitudes among foreigners living there, somewhat more insular society. Expensive to go and live there while sussing out a school for yourself, but risky to get a job somewhere you don't know much about.
Taiwan: Apparently you can go here on a holiday visa and switch to a working visa while in the country, which seems quite good. And, Australia even has working holiday visas here? Not sure about that, but it seems easier in a practical sense, like you could come here and look for a job yourself pretty easily. Would probably be my second 'gut' choice, only below Korea because I dunno, Korea somehow appeals to me more than the China-America humid industrial mix that I perceive Taiwan to be.
Japan: High cost of living. More competition for jobs. Probably a nicer and more hospitable culture, though. Probably wouldn't do unless I decided to be a bit more serious about it and apply for JET or something.
China: Eh... it's been a bit 'done', with my aunt teaching at an international school in China now. Still, connections... although she probably wouldn't be there in two years (two years! sigh).
Cambodia/Thailand: I'm sure there's plenty of differences between these places, but they've both been equally peripheral in my online travels. I wouldn't disregard them, but they seem more party places than places to earn money. Nothing wrong with party places, but I'd probably rather visit for a holiday than live there for a job.
Eastern Europe: Interests me, although I don't know a lot about it (yay, more to research!). Puts me off a bit for being less safe than much of Asia.
South America: A bit put off by the macho culture and higher crime... again, appeals to me for travelling more than living.
Middle East: Supposedly the best money, but nah.
Well, I'd better retire to bed so that I can get up early for the hostel. I really need to start focusing on the realities of life i.e. my legal research assignment, too. But hopefully typing out these ruminations will mean that I don't have to deal with them skipping around in my brain as I lie in bed or peruse a legal encycopedia.
-khere might try some kimchee before getting too ahead of herself
Funnily enough, when I mentioned it to DW a few days ago, he actually took it somewhat seriously, despite my protests that it wasn't a real plan or anything. Not that he particularly liked the idea, as it would presumably involve being separated from him... but he didn't dismiss it as a ridiculous hypothetical or anything. And that kind of made it feel a little more like a, well, real plan. Heh. His bad!
Of course, ridiculous or not, it is a hypothetical. A dream in subjunctive II. If it were to happen, it wouldn't be until I completed my arts degree, in another two years or so.
(Two years?! I want to be on a plane to Seoul now!)
Ahem. So yeah, based on my vague understanding of the curriculum structure, I'd finish my arts degree with maybe two or three semesters of 'straight law' left before I finished my law degree as well. It wouldn't be unthinkable to work and live overseas for a year, maybe save a bit of money, then return to Adelaide to finish the tough end of the law degree while (here's where it gets fuzzier) ideally getting some law-relevant experience (assuming I wouldn't go back to work at the hostel, it would be a good chance to look for a part-time clerkship, or some reception/admin work at a law firm or something) and (now we're getting even more subjunctive) if I were still with DW (pause for effect, because in my imagination I undeniably am, and maybe I do just want to possess my cake and eat it too) he would likely have his own place by then, and I could move in with him, and life would be a soft-focus picture.
Then I would have maybe had enough frittering around the world for a little while, and the real career stuff would start, and we'd have babies and lalalah.
Ok! So there's my life, right? It scares me a little writing nakedly what I want to happen, and yes, my naked mind contains lots of parenthicals. It scares me because I don't want to look back and go, I was so naive/idealistic/full of it/how sad that it all ended in tragedy/how stupid that I thought I would be so lucky.
It's that part that I wrote in a few words - 'work and live overseas' - that I have been thinking about to the point of saturation. You know, when the amount you think about something is just so disproportional to the amount that it needs to be thought about, that the daydream becomes a liquid you can't dissolve anything more thought-matter into, it's... saturated. Incidentially, the last time I felt like that was when I was obsessing over DW before meeting him 'in real life'. There was only so much I could think about a guy who I had never 'met', and there's only so much I can plan for something that would not happen for another two years.
Wouldn't it be awesome if DW came too? Two English teachers keeping each other sane in a foreign land? Unfortunately that does start to veer within the realm of the actually-not-going-to-happen because DW's interest in foreign living, children and language teaching approaches Nil, whereas his interest in having a job in his field of choice and settling in Adelaide approaches High. It would be so cool to talk it over with him though if we were both going, plan it together... pick a country. My thoughts at the moment:
South Korea: Kind of have a gut feeling about wanting to go here, although rationally it might not be the best, because it seems kind of hit-and-miss. Stupid reasons for wanting to go there: I like their alphabet, and am well-liked among the Koreans at work (apparently the girls refer to me as an angel! hahah). Better reasons: apparently it's the best country for earnings as relative to the cost of living, they seem to have four seasons and pretty mountains, and there's a lot of online information for expats. Possible reasons to avoid: unscrupulous Hagwon owners, bad attitudes among foreigners living there, somewhat more insular society. Expensive to go and live there while sussing out a school for yourself, but risky to get a job somewhere you don't know much about.
Taiwan: Apparently you can go here on a holiday visa and switch to a working visa while in the country, which seems quite good. And, Australia even has working holiday visas here? Not sure about that, but it seems easier in a practical sense, like you could come here and look for a job yourself pretty easily. Would probably be my second 'gut' choice, only below Korea because I dunno, Korea somehow appeals to me more than the China-America humid industrial mix that I perceive Taiwan to be.
Japan: High cost of living. More competition for jobs. Probably a nicer and more hospitable culture, though. Probably wouldn't do unless I decided to be a bit more serious about it and apply for JET or something.
China: Eh... it's been a bit 'done', with my aunt teaching at an international school in China now. Still, connections... although she probably wouldn't be there in two years (two years! sigh).
Cambodia/Thailand: I'm sure there's plenty of differences between these places, but they've both been equally peripheral in my online travels. I wouldn't disregard them, but they seem more party places than places to earn money. Nothing wrong with party places, but I'd probably rather visit for a holiday than live there for a job.
Eastern Europe: Interests me, although I don't know a lot about it (yay, more to research!). Puts me off a bit for being less safe than much of Asia.
South America: A bit put off by the macho culture and higher crime... again, appeals to me for travelling more than living.
Middle East: Supposedly the best money, but nah.
Well, I'd better retire to bed so that I can get up early for the hostel. I really need to start focusing on the realities of life i.e. my legal research assignment, too. But hopefully typing out these ruminations will mean that I don't have to deal with them skipping around in my brain as I lie in bed or peruse a legal encycopedia.
-khere might try some kimchee before getting too ahead of herself
Monday, February 16, 2009
Soul Kitchen
Desires... to write lyrically, to live communally, with friends and cheap food. To travel locally. I feel a swelling of affection for the people I'm close to, an appreciation for talking in cars and at late night dessert cafes and on walks through the dry hills.
I look forward to being focused, when uni starts, but fear that I won't be. My time and interests are too scattered. I dread the rearrangement and negotiation of my work schedule, toy with quitting one job, the other job. To quit the hostel would seem a step backwards, and I feel that the intense sociality of it is something thats good for me, despite it being wearying at times. To quit the nut shop would be in a sense easy, but in a sense much harder, because its so comfortable.
I look forward, too, to reinvigorating the friendships that were started last year at uni, that fade with distance and time apart. New shiny people, people whose flaws and stories aren't so intimately known yet. (But: see first paragraph. Simultaneously relishing in familiarity).
People are very capable of deluding themselves, of asserting and even believing that what they think now is what they've thought all along. I say that with a wry hope, though, that the criss-crossing opposing emotions of two of my particular broken-up friends will eventually settle in the right place. Whether that 'right place' is with both of them happy to be together, or both of them happy to be apart, I don't know.
Something about the combination of books that I'm reading: Sack's observations of mentally deficient patients in The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, and the argument between the pastor and the scientist in a Sue Miller novel - made me realise today that I believe in the human soul. I can't even remember if it were a question of belief before today or not.
Valentines Day was good, and a good opportunity for a quiet shout out about how happy I am at the moment with all that... stuff. A while ago, when we first started going out, I remember thinking that in future years, after we'd hypothetically broken up, I would always remember DW, the person, who had happened to be my boyfriend. But he would remember his girlfriend, who happened to be me.
It was only today, recollecting that thought, that it occurred to me that this assessment might not represent something negative. Part of the reason why I wouldn't see potential for a relationship with one of my close male friends is that I feel that his idea of me is too fixed, that I am a defined persona in his perception. Of course, its not that the persona is in any way faked - its me, my own essence poured within the lines of his picture. But those lines are there. They're shaped slightly differently with everyone, but they're always there, in slightly better or worse formations. People make you see yourself in different ways. Some time ago, floating in one friend's image of myself as an elegant, articulate, kind girl, I remember thinking that maybe it was bad that DW didn't make me see myself in that way. But really, it's that he doesn't make me see myself in any one way. He doesn't pour my substance into any particular self-shape. And maybe that's not a bad thing.
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