Wait - they don't love you like I love you

Yesterday, paraphrased.

1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.

K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.

H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!

K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?

H: "The night will be much poorer without you."

K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.

2:00 pm. Near H's street.

K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!

H: Have fun tonight with DW.

K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.

H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!

K: Haha no.


6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.

K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.

DW: Why's that?

K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)

DW: That's just how I am I guess!

K: Ok?

DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.

K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?

DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.

K: Ok.

K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.

DW: Thanks.

K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?

DW: Probably.

K: Hm. Ok.

DW: That pasta is really oily.

K: Yeah it is.

DW: ...

K: What if... what if it bothered me?

DW: The independence stuff?

K: Yeah.

DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.

K: ...

DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.

K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?

DW: A team? No.

K: Why not?

DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.

K: Isn't it?

DW: No!

K: Why not?

DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.

K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?

DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.

K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?

DW: No?

K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.

DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.

K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.

DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?

K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?

DW: What?

K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?

DW:...No...?

K: Really?

DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.

K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?

DW: Yes.

K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.

DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...

K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!

DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!

K: Alright whatever. Carry on.

DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.

K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.

[skip a few...]

DW: What's wrong? You look upset.

K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*

DW: Um...?

K: Don't stare at me!

DW: *stares*

K: *tears*

DW: I don't understand.

K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.

DW: Um...

K: Talk about something else!

DW: *says some silly thing*

DW: Do you want to leave?

6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.

DW: (gently) What were you saying?

K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...

DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?

K: ...

DW: ...

K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.

DW: That makes sense.

K: Sorry. I just get emotional.

DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.

K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?

DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...

K: yes yes.

DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.

K: *smirks*

...

K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.

DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.

K: Yeah?

DW: Yeah I guess.

K: You mean, what you think about me?

DW: Yeah...

K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.

DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?

My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.

Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.

I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.

DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.

"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.

Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.

"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."

We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.

"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."

Oh man.

"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.


Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"

"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."

He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."

I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.

"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"

"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "

Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."

"To dry up a bit?"

"Exactly."

"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.

Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.

Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.

It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"

Back to H, then called DW.

"There's something I want to tell you," he said.

"What's that?"

"I want to stay together."

"Oh?"

"I've done some soul-searching."

"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"

"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."

"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"

"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."

"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."

"We are together. No effective about it."

I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.

"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"

"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."

The end. For now.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'