Disrupting the Balance

Squawk squawk squawk.

I feel like that is what I am about to do.

If you have been following my conversations as of late (like, if you are my stalker, in which case this web page is the obvious thing to be reading), you might have noticed a recurring theme. Something like "So Rhino Room upstairs or downstairs?" followed by "What theme should I have for my birthday?"
Respective answers (but you already know them, if you're an attentive stalker): Downstairs, the cosier spot, with the rain-inviting beer garden! And Don't Know! (I have eliminated 'Traffic Lights' and 'Dress as me and the boyfriend' as potential themes).

After a mid-term break which I emerged from feeling like I needed another one to get done the uni work I had planned to achieve, these last few days have been remarkably productive. International Office! Humanities Office! Tutor's office! Mick's office at the Rhino Room! Office at the Courts Administration Authority! I've been seeing people, making those appointments, getting balls rolling. Woot.

Yeah, in fact I think I was only inspired to write this entry about that, so now that I've bragged I can probably stop writing.

No actually, the thought that was rolling around in my mind was something like this. My life is good right now. It's a comfortable place to live, a place that's open to promise and opportunities. That sounds cheesy, but its really kind of true. I feel lucky, and really do feel like these are the good years. Not that past years were bad, or that future years won'tbe better, but there's a good balance of the Myer-Briggs "P" (feeling happy having my options re. career and stuff still 'open', so I can get as much experience and follow as many interests as I can without having to rule anything out) with the "J" (feeling happy that I do have some sort of plan, and when I chip away to the core of that statemen, what I really mean is DW in my life).

I guess I'm worried that going to Germany will change that. That by sticking my hands in the current and breaking up the flow, I'm messing with a good thing.

In regards to DW at least, I know it'll change things and that's part of the reason why I want to do it. That sounds illogical, and quite possibly is, but my reasoning is something like: If I'm going to be with DW "forever"/"long-term" then I should travel now, because he won't be into doing that with me later (at least, not backpacker travel/extended stays/visits to countries that register beyond the first level in Smart Traveller). On the other hand, if I'm not going to be with DW in the long term then I should travel now, because otherwise I'd be sacrificing what I want to do for nothing. I.e. both potential paths --> travel now!

So, I've come to a sort of peace with that, and now it's not really DW I'm worried about. It's the horrifyingly fragile strings that hold my loved ones and I in health and happiness. What if by going away, I break those strings?

I know that's silly, that if bad things happen they'll happen whether I'm here or not. And yet.

A related topic is a question I had for DW the other day. "Do you think it's better to understand on an emotional level that bad things will happen to you, or just wait until they do?"

"You and your 'deep questions'," he said. "Uhm. You shouldn't let it affect your life, before things happen."

So staying awake late bawling my eyes out because bad things WERE going to happen to me and therefore a pretty likely bad thing would be for DW (or generic spouse) to die when we had a little baby or children, and I'd be all alone without a Life Ally and my baby kids would never know their daddy... crying about that because it's better to be emotionally prepared for it now, that's a silly thing to do? Right, sure. Just checking.

Well, that ended on a cheerful note, didn't it. In other news: H's 'Old Hollywood' party means I have an excuse to buy a nice dress, which means I am done with my self-imposed ban on spending in clothes stores, which means other items are sure to sneak into my wardrobe. Winter jacket, yay.

--khere is blacklisted in your mind.