Wait - they don't love you like I love you

Yesterday, paraphrased.

1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.

K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.

H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!

K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?

H: "The night will be much poorer without you."

K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.

2:00 pm. Near H's street.

K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!

H: Have fun tonight with DW.

K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.

H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!

K: Haha no.


6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.

K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.

DW: Why's that?

K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)

DW: That's just how I am I guess!

K: Ok?

DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.

K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?

DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.

K: Ok.

K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.

DW: Thanks.

K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?

DW: Probably.

K: Hm. Ok.

DW: That pasta is really oily.

K: Yeah it is.

DW: ...

K: What if... what if it bothered me?

DW: The independence stuff?

K: Yeah.

DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.

K: ...

DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.

K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?

DW: A team? No.

K: Why not?

DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.

K: Isn't it?

DW: No!

K: Why not?

DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.

K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?

DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.

K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?

DW: No?

K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.

DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.

K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.

DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?

K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?

DW: What?

K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?

DW:...No...?

K: Really?

DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.

K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?

DW: Yes.

K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.

DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...

K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!

DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!

K: Alright whatever. Carry on.

DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.

K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.

[skip a few...]

DW: What's wrong? You look upset.

K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*

DW: Um...?

K: Don't stare at me!

DW: *stares*

K: *tears*

DW: I don't understand.

K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.

DW: Um...

K: Talk about something else!

DW: *says some silly thing*

DW: Do you want to leave?

6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.

DW: (gently) What were you saying?

K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...

DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?

K: ...

DW: ...

K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.

DW: That makes sense.

K: Sorry. I just get emotional.

DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.

K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?

DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...

K: yes yes.

DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.

K: *smirks*

...

K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.

DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.

K: Yeah?

DW: Yeah I guess.

K: You mean, what you think about me?

DW: Yeah...

K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.

DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?

My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.

Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.

I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.

DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.

"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.

Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.

"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."

We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.

"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."

Oh man.

"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.


Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"

"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."

He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."

I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.

"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"

"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "

Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."

"To dry up a bit?"

"Exactly."

"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.

Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.

Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.

It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"

Back to H, then called DW.

"There's something I want to tell you," he said.

"What's that?"

"I want to stay together."

"Oh?"

"I've done some soul-searching."

"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"

"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."

"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"

"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."

"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."

"We are together. No effective about it."

I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.

"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"

"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."

The end. For now.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'

A nineties haircut and a beaut spa

So ready for the summer break. I'm kinda pumped actually, because DW and I are going away together =) Don't know yet where, or for how long - this is DW we're talking about, so I'm thinking smaller rather than larger, but we are definitely in the affirmative about holiday plans, so yeah. Woot.

Between now and then = uni uni. Actually I'm chilled at the moment, in the eye of the metaphorical uni work storm (think swirls of paper and case names muahahaha). 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll be all done, and my exam (singular!) and legal writing assignment and german bits and pieces will be behind me. 3 weeks aagh! Or 3 weeks yay?

I'm thinking of joining a gym. It's a cheap one, "co-ed" but with a ladies weights room. It looks like a good range of classes and a good atmosphere, from the admittedly paltry amount of time I spent there. I've always resisted the idea of joining a gym because 1) Expense, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use; 2) I like being outside, and didn't want to substitute walking/jogging outdoors for being on a treadmill; and 3) Time, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use. But, with el-cheapo gymmo here, I figure the money-wasting is less of a concern. Also, I'm getting a bit bored *ahem lazy* with running, and probably won't have a whole lot more enthusiasm once the weather gets hot. While I like walking, it's better for relaxing than for fitness, and I don't want to spend my peaceful meanders thinking that I should be running.

In fact, I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark but it looks like the time has passed for such activities. It's gorgeous weather at the moment - that little sweet spot of the year where its sunny and breezy and all the colours look so clear. Warm during the day but not yet stinking hot. Fresh in the mornings, all that really pale sun and sparkly dampness at 7 am.

What else is new? My friend thought she had leukemia. Turned out she had tonsillitis! My other friend has uncovered quite a cheery attitude towards life, and enrolled in lessons to learn French. My other friend (that's three friends so far!) recently 'came out' to his mum, who apparently didn't believe him at first. His dad doesn't know yet, and apparently keeps saying to his mum about son's new love interest, "Maybe it's a boy!"

Speaking of gays, I had my hair done by an extremely flamboyant chap the other day. He admitted that he often forgot or didn't hear what people said, because he'd get distracted by hairdryer noise or background music. Indeed, he had to ask me a three time whether I want to get my fringe cut today. Nothing disastrous was done to my hair, but I wasn't hugely impressed. Also, they've refit my usual hair-place and now it's all fancy and uglified! There are too many bright lights and mirrors, and too much space. I hate shopping centre places that redo themselves just to more truly embody shopping-centre-ugly. I may have to seek a new hair venue for the future.

Well, I didn't really have a reason to write, and I believe that fact has become glaringly apparent. But hey, you got three entries in October. Lucky you.

--khere is a bit "av".

friday-saturday-doorcodes-and-vodka

Today feels like such a waste. I hate the vague hungovery tiredness that saps all concentration. Or maybe I just hate the fact of my unfinished uni work *sigh*.

Last night was good though. Actually, the actual town part (German pub crawl) was a bit average, but things livened up once everyone was back in room 29. *winks*. While I could have ignored even the most 'suss' bed noises, the whispered commentary coming from my friend down on the double bed was a little harder to block out. Amusingly, it was the other friend on the bottom bunk who eventually mumbled, "Guys, do you mind?" - and she hadn't even tuned into what was being said. Hee hee. I left H and her battered boy (he had to get stitches in his head last night!) in town this morning, and last I heard they were at the movies today. For H's sake I really hope everything keeps going well! Big grins and fingers crossed!

Other noteworthy parts of the evening included:

H arriving at my house dressed for town, with not a single item for the overnight/morning at the hostel. I suggested she might be a little uncomfortable with no toothbrush, change of clothes or shoes other than heels to wear in the morning, and she agreed and we went back to hers to pack a bag. Lovely. Then? Discovered that she'd brought the wrong bag on the bus with her, so instead of sensible toiletries she had her sister's ugg boots and a scarf. Woohoo!

Friend J being there - she and H had a falling-out, I guess you'd call it, in year 12, and last night was really the first time that they hung out properly since then. Happy feelings when H and I were stripping linen off a bed this morning and H was like "I missed her and I didn't even realise."

Meeting new people, friends-of-friends - 2 stand out in my memory. One was this guy who got more annoying by the second. He went to the USA to work as a camp counsellor for 3 months and he brings it up in every conversation, which is fine, whatever, but he had a very grating attitude about travel. You didn't meet anybody in America who was at all decent? That sucks I guess... but... you can't even entertain the thought that some Americans might not fit your stereotype? You've concluded more than one discussion with: "JUST BECAUSE WE SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE, DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE THE SAME COUNTRY." Profound, especially with that long-suffering 'seen it all' air that you give it, but it might have had more effect if it related to what we were talking about at all. For someone who loves travelling and experiencing different cultures soooo much, you seem strangely keen to dismiss them. And that orgasmic 'ughhhhhhhhh' you do when talking about Europe is kind of unattractive.

The second was guy who was fun to chat to and cute in a goofy gangly way, who started tagging along with our group. Someone said to me, "I think the only reason he's hanging out with us is because of you," and seconds later, said guy was like "PHOTO TIME!" and posed with a wet kiss on my cheek. Uh, good timing! But, a little too much wetness there buddy! Nice to meet you!

Being another football-group weekend, we had all this extra security which made it kind of annoying to have friends stay at the hostel. Friday morning I'd stood on the couch for extra height and warned the footballers about how there'd be a security guard at the door, so they couldn't bring back any 'friends' they might meet on the town (Wayne piped up with jokes about friends in skirts. Oh Wayne.) Well, guess who almost got turned away for not having a key card: old battered head boy! Guess who had to be summonsed by the security guard to verify whether BHB could enter the hostel: Wayne! Apparently Wayne was all grumpy about my role in the matter, which is surely fair enough, but frankly there's a big neon fuck you hostel sign in my head at the moment and if confronted by Wayne, I may have to start mentioning a few of the matters that I find unsatisfactory, too. I'll spare you a rant about the irritating qualities of some people and incompetence of others at the moment, but, yeah. This weekend I've had a real love-hate relationship with the hostel, more emphasis than usual on the hate. I was glad when Brian didn't accept any money from my friends this morning, quietly pointing out that 'other people' let their friends stay over for free quite a lot. Brian's a keeper.

It's now an acceptable going-to-bed time and I can put the dreary waste of a day to a finish. Although I'm sure I was more sleepy at 2pm, when I could have actually been productive. Man, uni work... *buries head*. I'm so good at making schedules for myself. I can plot a timeline for study like nobody's business. It's just when it comes sticking to these schedules that I struggle. When you're 5 hours or 2 days 'behind' a self-imposed schedule though, what do you do? I know: make a new one, with less work involved! It's a great exam revision technique, worked for PPL last semester! Wait: no it didn't.

--khere is chocolate for breakfast and bare feet in the halls.

a fish-flavoured surprise

This weekend's footy groups were a little better than last. Well, I still have tomorrow morning to cope with, but hopefully they'll check out reasonably early or be so knackered that they can't be much trouble (I can hope). Live goldfish were swallowed, and the one English guy on the team (moved to Bendigo from Manchester) got incredibly soppy-drunk at me, but that's all the damage to date.

I guess the effect that alcohol has on a person has a cultural, or at least personality, component, but good lord, that English guy (whose name I don't even remember, therefore can't hide) reminded me so much of this freaking guy when he got drunk, a completely different specimen to the rowdy Aussie boys. He was actually a decent guy, and had made me think earlier in the day about the difference between a nice guy getting drunk and a person who was already a dickhead getting drunk. He complimented me for how I handled the group, and came by the desk a few times to tell me that he thought I was pretty and so forth. When all the other guys ended up going out, he stayed behind because he was so tired and couldn't hack their company (biggest mark of honour among footy groups, apart from swallowing fish and crapping unconventional places, it seems: not sleeping the entire weekend.) But then. BUT THEN. As his voice got more and more mumbly and slurred, he just turned into.... mush! He proposed that I join him in his room for a bit of fun, and when I declined, he got all mopey and philosophical about it. I didn't want to hook up with a drunk guy in a hostel room while I was 1. on shift and 2. in a relationship? Clearly, this was a deep insight into how I was a conformist who secretly wanted to break free!

"It's like, shho hard, innit. So hard. I can see you're like, how do I shhhay thiss, wiv'out offending you, you're like, you feel like you have to conform to what people think of you, you like to have everyfing planned... don't you just want to go nuts, eh? Lose control? I think you just need to give up control for once, just do someving a bit crazy, yeah but it's so hard innit... I can see in your eyes you wanna do it wiv me but you just feel you can't, it's so hard, so hard for us, innit... you got such beautiful eyes, you're shhho beautiful, I just wanna give you a bit of a cuddle and a kiss eh, why don't you come into my room..."

He would kind of drift off mumbling for long stretches of time, and I couldn't really understand what he was saying. There was one morose tangent that I caught when he was slumped on the other side of the counter about how he was just one more drunk guy for me, I must have heard things like this before and just let it wash over me, I'd put up with it at work and then just go home and laugh it off and never seriously think about it. Which: well, he wasn't wrong. And how could he distinguish himself, how could he let me know that we could be something really special, that he wasn't just another drunk guy? Answer: he couldn't?

Then I started feeling a bit bad, because I had enjoyed his company earlier in the day, I could believe that, sure, there would be more to him when he wasn't drunk. But: I had known him for one day. That one day, he was smashed. What could he expect? He was begging me to tell him what I thought of him, and I said I guessed he was a nice guy, and he was like wahhh is that all. I reminded him (not for the first time) that I didn't really know him and that he could be a totally excellent guy for all I knew. "Oh you're so honest, that's what I love about you. You're just such an honest girl. It's just so hard for our situation, innit, so hard for me sitting here at this bar wiv you just thinking that I'm some drunk lad like all the others, but at least you're honest eh, so honest."

Anyway, just like it was in reality, recounting this has gone from amusing to tiresome. The last I saw of him was after I came into reception to see him leaning over the counter, lips pursed. "Just give us a kiss, eh?" he asked, and I have no idea why he thought the answer would be any different than it was to any of his previous suggestions. Then, he kind of wouldn't shut up: "Come on, why not? Just a little kiss, eh? Just gi'us a kiss!" he whined. I sort of snapped at him that he was crossing the line and needed to tone it down. Then he stumbled off (hopefully to sleep) and we shall see tomorrow whether his devotion can last two days.

Anyway. So that we don't have an entire entry about that guy... I'm also:

- Loving Songs for Silverman, the Ben Folds CD I bought the other day. Actually cried at that Gracie song, much to DW's disgust when he learnt that it wasn't even 'that time'.

- 'Dog-sitting' for my aunties over the weekend, for their naughty brown short-haired pointer who's all like 'rrowwr. love me.'

- Relieved that my research assignment is due one week later than I originally thought it was. That means I was extra-virtuous spending those holiday afternoons at uni. I've probably negated whatever effect that had by proceeding to ignore it as soon as I found out the 'real' due date, but... I'll get back into it tomorrow.

- Really into cereal at the moment. Did you know you can eat it any time of day, not just for breakfast? Yeah, I knew it too, but I didn't really know it in an intimate sense until recently.

- Hoping that nobody enters my aunts' house before I do and sees the dim bedroom with messy sexed-in bed. They shouldn't, but... well, they better not.

- Happy that there are multiple episodes of Seinfeld screening on the new channel 'Go' each day. What can I say, I'm easily pleased.

--khere is always the first one to leave the shower.

The Boys and Girls Are Not Alone

My frugality streak was broken over the last few days - but, now I have new and super underwear*, a slightly more groomed appearance, some nice summery tops and four (4!) new CDs. I never buy CDs, except, I guess, when I do. I feel that I am special and entitled to illegal free downloads, but apparently my computer firewall doesn't agree. Hence: Ben Folds, The Clash, Sarah Blasko and The Flaming Lips, in real-CD form.

*TMI: Not a big G-string fan. They seem only good for dressing sexy, and who feels sexy when they have an unhygienic strip of material wedged between their ass cheeks? Not me, obviously. But these 'lacy boylegs' are another story. Just so you know.

Between Aldinga, Goolwa and nights spent with DW, this is one of the first evenings I've spent in my own house for a while. Aldinga was good as always - there's a lovely carefree feeling that emanates from the dusty almost-finished shack, and reminds me why it's worth driving down to the coast even if I can only spend one night there. We played drinking games and Wii sports and something called 'Articulate' which my partner and I rocked at. Apparently she had a massive tanty the second night when she couldn't be in a team with her boyfriend, so... kinda glad I missed that. My other good friend has an aunt and uncle who designed and built a fancy place in Goolwa, so over the weekend we spent two nights there as well. Yay for friends with beach houses!

DW has kind of moved out of home for six weeks while house sitting for his Opa, and has said he's not sure how he'll adjust to moving back in with his parents. He's starting to look at buying property which is kind of exciting. If he bought a house, he'd probably have me and one of his friends move in... money matters aside, I'd be quite keen to do that. Even though it seems like the benefits of moving out with him would be somewhat negated by having one of his mates living there too, it seems somehow a better move to do that than to move somewhere just the two of us... a smaller step, maybe? I wonder whether it would generally be better to be part of a couple living with another person, or be the person living with the couple... Anyway, nothing's a reality yet. And let's not delve too far into the hypotheticals - my teaching-overseas mental adventure combined with sugar-pill week left me feeling quite strange and disconnected a few weeks ago. Perhaps appropriately, I've started reading 'The Power of Now'... that whole spiritual deal isn't usually my thing, but I figured I'd give it a chance.

Bah, uni. I've decided to try to stop "multi-tasking", a.k.a. clicking onto facebook every time I get bored or stuck with uni work. Study time will be for study. Fun time will be for fun, not for procrastination-marred-with-guilt. *Nods*. *Sighs*. Gah, I wanted to get so much done in the holidays, and they're ALMOST OVER! Only one more free (as in: assignment) day before I have work, then I'll have Sunday free, and that's it. True, I have had a real break with the beach and all, but it's depressing that that should cost me, when this is supposed to be a semester break after all. Never mind.

Oh, and as for work, let me note for future reference: FOOTY GROUPS ARE DISGUSTING. As if general rowdiness and body odour and slurred leery remarks and spilled drinks and off-set fire alarms aren't enough, they have to go and use the whole world as their personal toilet. Pissing on the roof and off the balcony onto the street, crapping on the bathroom floor and in the urinal and on the balcony - what the fuck is wrong with these people? Ugh! I'm really starting to question my manager's sanity when he cheerfully rattles off a business comparison between our hostel and our former 'sister' hostel - we make the same amount of money putting up the price for louts over three nights as they do for having a cheap long-term weekly rate! Go us! Really? The difference is we have to deal with all that shit on the weekends, no pun intended, pay for a security guard and extra night-watch staff, and probably deter other guests away from our premises, then are dead quiet for the next three or four days and pay for someone to take extended smoke breaks, browse the net or sit on the couch watching TV with the guests. While they, I assume, have fairly steady days and rooms full of international students who presumably don't smash things and vomit and evacuate their bowels on the balcony and compel the police to visit following public complaints. So, yeah dude, you tell me who has the better business plan there.

(Although, I guess I can't lie, I did thoroughly enjoy hearing of the phone exchange between my Chinese co-worker and manager:

CC: There's a shit on the balcony!

M: A what?

CC: A shiit!

M: I didn't see any linen out there?

CC: No! No linen, a shiiiit!

M: Huh? Put it back on the shelf, then!

CC: A shit! Somebody squat and make a shit!

Bahah.

- khere will not be stripping for your entertainment.

Big Plans

For some reason my recent thoughts have tended towards expansive life-planning. To be more specific, I have become somewhat obsessed with researching stuff to do with teaching english overseas.

Funnily enough, when I mentioned it to DW a few days ago, he actually took it somewhat seriously, despite my protests that it wasn't a real plan or anything. Not that he particularly liked the idea, as it would presumably involve being separated from him... but he didn't dismiss it as a ridiculous hypothetical or anything. And that kind of made it feel a little more like a, well, real plan. Heh. His bad!

Of course, ridiculous or not, it is a hypothetical. A dream in subjunctive II. If it were to happen, it wouldn't be until I completed my arts degree, in another two years or so.

(Two years?! I want to be on a plane to Seoul now!)

Ahem. So yeah, based on my vague understanding of the curriculum structure, I'd finish my arts degree with maybe two or three semesters of 'straight law' left before I finished my law degree as well. It wouldn't be unthinkable to work and live overseas for a year, maybe save a bit of money, then return to Adelaide to finish the tough end of the law degree while (here's where it gets fuzzier) ideally getting some law-relevant experience (assuming I wouldn't go back to work at the hostel, it would be a good chance to look for a part-time clerkship, or some reception/admin work at a law firm or something) and (now we're getting even more subjunctive) if I were still with DW (pause for effect, because in my imagination I undeniably am, and maybe I do just want to possess my cake and eat it too) he would likely have his own place by then, and I could move in with him, and life would be a soft-focus picture.

Then I would have maybe had enough frittering around the world for a little while, and the real career stuff would start, and we'd have babies and lalalah.

Ok! So there's my life, right? It scares me a little writing nakedly what I want to happen, and yes, my naked mind contains lots of parenthicals. It scares me because I don't want to look back and go, I was so naive/idealistic/full of it/how sad that it all ended in tragedy/how stupid that I thought I would be so lucky.

It's that part that I wrote in a few words - 'work and live overseas' - that I have been thinking about to the point of saturation. You know, when the amount you think about something is just so disproportional to the amount that it needs to be thought about, that the daydream becomes a liquid you can't dissolve anything more thought-matter into, it's... saturated. Incidentially, the last time I felt like that was when I was obsessing over DW before meeting him 'in real life'. There was only so much I could think about a guy who I had never 'met', and there's only so much I can plan for something that would not happen for another two years.

Wouldn't it be awesome if DW came too? Two English teachers keeping each other sane in a foreign land? Unfortunately that does start to veer within the realm of the actually-not-going-to-happen because DW's interest in foreign living, children and language teaching approaches Nil, whereas his interest in having a job in his field of choice and settling in Adelaide approaches High. It would be so cool to talk it over with him though if we were both going, plan it together... pick a country. My thoughts at the moment:

South Korea: Kind of have a gut feeling about wanting to go here, although rationally it might not be the best, because it seems kind of hit-and-miss. Stupid reasons for wanting to go there: I like their alphabet, and am well-liked among the Koreans at work (apparently the girls refer to me as an angel! hahah). Better reasons: apparently it's the best country for earnings as relative to the cost of living, they seem to have four seasons and pretty mountains, and there's a lot of online information for expats. Possible reasons to avoid: unscrupulous Hagwon owners, bad attitudes among foreigners living there, somewhat more insular society. Expensive to go and live there while sussing out a school for yourself, but risky to get a job somewhere you don't know much about.

Taiwan: Apparently you can go here on a holiday visa and switch to a working visa while in the country, which seems quite good. And, Australia even has working holiday visas here? Not sure about that, but it seems easier in a practical sense, like you could come here and look for a job yourself pretty easily. Would probably be my second 'gut' choice, only below Korea because I dunno, Korea somehow appeals to me more than the China-America humid industrial mix that I perceive Taiwan to be.

Japan: High cost of living. More competition for jobs. Probably a nicer and more hospitable culture, though. Probably wouldn't do unless I decided to be a bit more serious about it and apply for JET or something.

China: Eh... it's been a bit 'done', with my aunt teaching at an international school in China now. Still, connections... although she probably wouldn't be there in two years (two years! sigh).

Cambodia/Thailand: I'm sure there's plenty of differences between these places, but they've both been equally peripheral in my online travels. I wouldn't disregard them, but they seem more party places than places to earn money. Nothing wrong with party places, but I'd probably rather visit for a holiday than live there for a job.

Eastern Europe: Interests me, although I don't know a lot about it (yay, more to research!). Puts me off a bit for being less safe than much of Asia.

South America: A bit put off by the macho culture and higher crime... again, appeals to me for travelling more than living.

Middle East: Supposedly the best money, but nah.

Well, I'd better retire to bed so that I can get up early for the hostel. I really need to start focusing on the realities of life i.e. my legal research assignment, too. But hopefully typing out these ruminations will mean that I don't have to deal with them skipping around in my brain as I lie in bed or peruse a legal encycopedia.

-khere might try some kimchee before getting too ahead of herself

Read, see, do

It's the 'coming together of biology and biography' which fascinates him, and its that fusion that he translates so well into books. I'm loving Oliver Sacks at the moment. Recently I finished Seeing Voices, and many times I had the urge to throw the paperback at people, gibbering that they just have to read it, have to know about this or this. I've got a bookmark in Awakenings (one of his most acclaimed, but so far not quite as profoundly interesting as Seeing Voices or The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat) and Musicophilia is sitting on my desk after I picked it up from the library holds desk today. Although I've seen some criticism of his heavily footnoted writing style, it's this which is one of my favourite things about him. His writing and people don't exist in stand-alone little capsules, but are always connected to informational asides, commentary, reflection, counter-theories, a place in time. You get the feeling there could always be more - that he wants to keep going, 'which reminds me!' and 'by the way, another interesting thing about that is -'

On the fiction side of things is Lionel Shriver. I read We Need to Talk About Kevin in greedy gulps. Once I'd finished it, though, I didn't have much desire to dwell on the text itself, although I did immediately jump to read reviews and online discussion. While I didn't find The Post-Birthday World as immediately absorbing, after a few chapters in I started really enjoying it. It was more indulgent than Kevin, I felt, not as meticulously edited, more like Shriver was just enjoying herself writing it. Perhaps because it was so lengthy, by the time I finished I could hardly believe there wasn't any more to read - I had grown quite fond of the characters and read the final chapter twice before eventually setting it aside. I felt like I should be able to google 'where are they now' or something. Oh, and Lawrence? Not completely unlike DW, I have to say.

I've got just two nights left of that chilled first-half-of-the-semester feeling, I think - on Friday I'll have a take-home exam and research assignment, sigh. BUT I have some good news under my belt already... 90 HD for client interview! Was so stoked. Am so stoked - not just the mark, but for what it's for. Yaaay.

What else has been going down? Life has been pretty chilled, with cold rainy nights meaning nobody's been too up for big nights out in town. There was the Royal Show, with plentiful free food and wine - well, the wine wasn't plentiful, but it was free. Leaving town in H's Datsun, squeezed next to a tyre in the back seat. Sustainaball, with op shop clothes and Bollywood dancers and catching up with some less frequently-seen friends. Our friend the 'councillor', a denouncer of all things fair trade won the prize hamper, hahah. There were some nice days out with the girl friends - markets and boat rides at Port Adelaide, seeing the movie 'Adam' in town. I've watched DW and the boys play indoor soccer and get beaten, and had those nice post-game car chats and sweaty-haired kisses.

There are a few things to write about and to ponder that may not be as fluffy and nice, but maybe I'll save that for another day. I like ending on kisses (again).

--khere is a blurry photograph of your favourite night.