It's official: Father Christmas is in town. He may be dehydrated and dripping with sweat inside his suit, but he's here!
It was pageant day today, and the hostel balcony was the place to be. Exclusive view, Wayne's shade contraption rigged up out of old sheets, cigarette butts swept away, and "rooly clever" disabled lift access. It was a fun atmosphere at work, although the collide of backpackers and kiddies was a bit exhausting.
I slept there last night, with DW giving me a ride into town. We, uh, well, let's just say there was more fun in the rm 6 'storage room' than there's been in a while!
Town tonight - this metaphorical hair is coming down, because exams are over yeooww!
I feel so glad when I hear people talking about assignments and exams they still have, and remember I can dismiss all those thoughts. Selfish but nice! I had another strangely freeing moment when some guy behind me on a bus was talking on the phone in a real serious sooky voice about his break-up. "I'm not saying she's defective, I'm just saying she needs to be better at prioritising." I decided I didn't want to be listening, realised that I had no obligation to, and put my ipod earphones in. The wonderful benefits of modern society!
Get scared much? You should probably stay away from Paranormal Activity. Actually it was awesome, but I'm not usually affected much by scary movies and this one I did find creepy. I got free tickets and went with DW, a lovely friend who I will entitle "L", and his pretty housemate "H". (damnit! I know too many 'H's!). It wasn't as jumpy-scary as I thought it would be, but a lot oogier. DW had a high opinion of it too, which I was glad about.
Also: Dog Boy, by Eva Hornung. Eegh. Read it. Dooo it *shakes*
Enough. Time for this dirty girl to shower.
--khere is a chalk-drawing melting on the road.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Present, Soon, Not Soon Enough
NEAR FUTURE
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Update on the Love State
I suppose I'd better update from that last post. All is well.
We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.
I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.
What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.
I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.
(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)
While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).
K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."
(long pause)
D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"
K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)
Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.
"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."
(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)
DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.
"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"
I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.
We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.
I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.
What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.
I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.
(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)
While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).
K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."
(long pause)
D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"
K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)
Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.
"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."
(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)
DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.
"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"
I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wait - they don't love you like I love you
Yesterday, paraphrased.
1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.
K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.
H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!
K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?
H: "The night will be much poorer without you."
K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.
2:00 pm. Near H's street.
K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!
H: Have fun tonight with DW.
K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.
H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!
K: Haha no.
6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.
K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.
DW: Why's that?
K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)
DW: That's just how I am I guess!
K: Ok?
DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.
K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?
DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.
K: Ok.
K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.
DW: Thanks.
K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?
DW: Probably.
K: Hm. Ok.
DW: That pasta is really oily.
K: Yeah it is.
DW: ...
K: What if... what if it bothered me?
DW: The independence stuff?
K: Yeah.
DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.
K: ...
DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.
K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?
DW: A team? No.
K: Why not?
DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.
K: Isn't it?
DW: No!
K: Why not?
DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.
K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?
DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.
K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?
DW: No?
K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.
DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.
K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.
DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?
K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?
DW: What?
K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?
DW:...No...?
K: Really?
DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.
K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?
DW: Yes.
K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.
DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...
K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!
DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!
K: Alright whatever. Carry on.
DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.
K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.
[skip a few...]
DW: What's wrong? You look upset.
K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*
DW: Um...?
K: Don't stare at me!
DW: *stares*
K: *tears*
DW: I don't understand.
K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.
DW: Um...
K: Talk about something else!
DW: *says some silly thing*
DW: Do you want to leave?
6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.
DW: (gently) What were you saying?
K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...
DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?
K: ...
DW: ...
K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.
DW: That makes sense.
K: Sorry. I just get emotional.
DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.
K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?
DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...
K: yes yes.
DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.
K: *smirks*
...
K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.
DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.
K: Yeah?
DW: Yeah I guess.
K: You mean, what you think about me?
DW: Yeah...
K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.
DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?
My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.
Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.
I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.
DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.
"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.
Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.
"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."
We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.
"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."
Oh man.
"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.
Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"
"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."
He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."
I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.
"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."
"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"
"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "
Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."
"To dry up a bit?"
"Exactly."
"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.
Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.
Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.
It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"
Back to H, then called DW.
"There's something I want to tell you," he said.
"What's that?"
"I want to stay together."
"Oh?"
"I've done some soul-searching."
"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"
"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."
"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"
"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."
"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."
"We are together. No effective about it."
I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.
"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"
"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."
The end. For now.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'
1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.
K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.
H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!
K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?
H: "The night will be much poorer without you."
K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.
2:00 pm. Near H's street.
K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!
H: Have fun tonight with DW.
K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.
H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!
K: Haha no.
6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.
K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.
DW: Why's that?
K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)
DW: That's just how I am I guess!
K: Ok?
DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.
K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?
DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.
K: Ok.
K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.
DW: Thanks.
K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?
DW: Probably.
K: Hm. Ok.
DW: That pasta is really oily.
K: Yeah it is.
DW: ...
K: What if... what if it bothered me?
DW: The independence stuff?
K: Yeah.
DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.
K: ...
DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.
K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?
DW: A team? No.
K: Why not?
DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.
K: Isn't it?
DW: No!
K: Why not?
DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.
K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?
DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.
K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?
DW: No?
K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.
DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.
K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.
DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?
K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?
DW: What?
K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?
DW:...No...?
K: Really?
DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.
K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?
DW: Yes.
K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.
DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...
K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!
DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!
K: Alright whatever. Carry on.
DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.
K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.
[skip a few...]
DW: What's wrong? You look upset.
K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*
DW: Um...?
K: Don't stare at me!
DW: *stares*
K: *tears*
DW: I don't understand.
K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.
DW: Um...
K: Talk about something else!
DW: *says some silly thing*
DW: Do you want to leave?
6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.
DW: (gently) What were you saying?
K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...
DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?
K: ...
DW: ...
K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.
DW: That makes sense.
K: Sorry. I just get emotional.
DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.
K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?
DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...
K: yes yes.
DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.
K: *smirks*
...
K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.
DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.
K: Yeah?
DW: Yeah I guess.
K: You mean, what you think about me?
DW: Yeah...
K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.
DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?
My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.
Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.
I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.
DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.
"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.
Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.
"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."
We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.
"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."
Oh man.
"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.
Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"
"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."
He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."
I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.
"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."
"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"
"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "
Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."
"To dry up a bit?"
"Exactly."
"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.
Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.
Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.
It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"
Back to H, then called DW.
"There's something I want to tell you," he said.
"What's that?"
"I want to stay together."
"Oh?"
"I've done some soul-searching."
"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"
"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."
"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"
"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."
"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."
"We are together. No effective about it."
I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.
"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"
"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."
The end. For now.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A nineties haircut and a beaut spa
So ready for the summer break. I'm kinda pumped actually, because DW and I are going away together =) Don't know yet where, or for how long - this is DW we're talking about, so I'm thinking smaller rather than larger, but we are definitely in the affirmative about holiday plans, so yeah. Woot.
Between now and then = uni uni. Actually I'm chilled at the moment, in the eye of the metaphorical uni work storm (think swirls of paper and case names muahahaha). 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll be all done, and my exam (singular!) and legal writing assignment and german bits and pieces will be behind me. 3 weeks aagh! Or 3 weeks yay?
I'm thinking of joining a gym. It's a cheap one, "co-ed" but with a ladies weights room. It looks like a good range of classes and a good atmosphere, from the admittedly paltry amount of time I spent there. I've always resisted the idea of joining a gym because 1) Expense, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use; 2) I like being outside, and didn't want to substitute walking/jogging outdoors for being on a treadmill; and 3) Time, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use. But, with el-cheapo gymmo here, I figure the money-wasting is less of a concern. Also, I'm getting a bit bored *ahem lazy* with running, and probably won't have a whole lot more enthusiasm once the weather gets hot. While I like walking, it's better for relaxing than for fitness, and I don't want to spend my peaceful meanders thinking that I should be running.
In fact, I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark but it looks like the time has passed for such activities. It's gorgeous weather at the moment - that little sweet spot of the year where its sunny and breezy and all the colours look so clear. Warm during the day but not yet stinking hot. Fresh in the mornings, all that really pale sun and sparkly dampness at 7 am.
What else is new? My friend thought she had leukemia. Turned out she had tonsillitis! My other friend has uncovered quite a cheery attitude towards life, and enrolled in lessons to learn French. My other friend (that's three friends so far!) recently 'came out' to his mum, who apparently didn't believe him at first. His dad doesn't know yet, and apparently keeps saying to his mum about son's new love interest, "Maybe it's a boy!"
Speaking of gays, I had my hair done by an extremely flamboyant chap the other day. He admitted that he often forgot or didn't hear what people said, because he'd get distracted by hairdryer noise or background music. Indeed, he had to ask me a three time whether I want to get my fringe cut today. Nothing disastrous was done to my hair, but I wasn't hugely impressed. Also, they've refit my usual hair-place and now it's all fancy and uglified! There are too many bright lights and mirrors, and too much space. I hate shopping centre places that redo themselves just to more truly embody shopping-centre-ugly. I may have to seek a new hair venue for the future.
Well, I didn't really have a reason to write, and I believe that fact has become glaringly apparent. But hey, you got three entries in October. Lucky you.
--khere is a bit "av".
Between now and then = uni uni. Actually I'm chilled at the moment, in the eye of the metaphorical uni work storm (think swirls of paper and case names muahahaha). 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll be all done, and my exam (singular!) and legal writing assignment and german bits and pieces will be behind me. 3 weeks aagh! Or 3 weeks yay?
I'm thinking of joining a gym. It's a cheap one, "co-ed" but with a ladies weights room. It looks like a good range of classes and a good atmosphere, from the admittedly paltry amount of time I spent there. I've always resisted the idea of joining a gym because 1) Expense, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use; 2) I like being outside, and didn't want to substitute walking/jogging outdoors for being on a treadmill; and 3) Time, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use. But, with el-cheapo gymmo here, I figure the money-wasting is less of a concern. Also, I'm getting a bit bored *ahem lazy* with running, and probably won't have a whole lot more enthusiasm once the weather gets hot. While I like walking, it's better for relaxing than for fitness, and I don't want to spend my peaceful meanders thinking that I should be running.
In fact, I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark but it looks like the time has passed for such activities. It's gorgeous weather at the moment - that little sweet spot of the year where its sunny and breezy and all the colours look so clear. Warm during the day but not yet stinking hot. Fresh in the mornings, all that really pale sun and sparkly dampness at 7 am.
What else is new? My friend thought she had leukemia. Turned out she had tonsillitis! My other friend has uncovered quite a cheery attitude towards life, and enrolled in lessons to learn French. My other friend (that's three friends so far!) recently 'came out' to his mum, who apparently didn't believe him at first. His dad doesn't know yet, and apparently keeps saying to his mum about son's new love interest, "Maybe it's a boy!"
Speaking of gays, I had my hair done by an extremely flamboyant chap the other day. He admitted that he often forgot or didn't hear what people said, because he'd get distracted by hairdryer noise or background music. Indeed, he had to ask me a three time whether I want to get my fringe cut today. Nothing disastrous was done to my hair, but I wasn't hugely impressed. Also, they've refit my usual hair-place and now it's all fancy and uglified! There are too many bright lights and mirrors, and too much space. I hate shopping centre places that redo themselves just to more truly embody shopping-centre-ugly. I may have to seek a new hair venue for the future.
Well, I didn't really have a reason to write, and I believe that fact has become glaringly apparent. But hey, you got three entries in October. Lucky you.
--khere is a bit "av".
Saturday, October 10, 2009
friday-saturday-doorcodes-and-vodka
Today feels like such a waste. I hate the vague hungovery tiredness that saps all concentration. Or maybe I just hate the fact of my unfinished uni work *sigh*.
Last night was good though. Actually, the actual town part (German pub crawl) was a bit average, but things livened up once everyone was back in room 29. *winks*. While I could have ignored even the most 'suss' bed noises, the whispered commentary coming from my friend down on the double bed was a little harder to block out. Amusingly, it was the other friend on the bottom bunk who eventually mumbled, "Guys, do you mind?" - and she hadn't even tuned into what was being said. Hee hee. I left H and her battered boy (he had to get stitches in his head last night!) in town this morning, and last I heard they were at the movies today. For H's sake I really hope everything keeps going well! Big grins and fingers crossed!
Other noteworthy parts of the evening included:
H arriving at my house dressed for town, with not a single item for the overnight/morning at the hostel. I suggested she might be a little uncomfortable with no toothbrush, change of clothes or shoes other than heels to wear in the morning, and she agreed and we went back to hers to pack a bag. Lovely. Then? Discovered that she'd brought the wrong bag on the bus with her, so instead of sensible toiletries she had her sister's ugg boots and a scarf. Woohoo!
Friend J being there - she and H had a falling-out, I guess you'd call it, in year 12, and last night was really the first time that they hung out properly since then. Happy feelings when H and I were stripping linen off a bed this morning and H was like "I missed her and I didn't even realise."
Meeting new people, friends-of-friends - 2 stand out in my memory. One was this guy who got more annoying by the second. He went to the USA to work as a camp counsellor for 3 months and he brings it up in every conversation, which is fine, whatever, but he had a very grating attitude about travel. You didn't meet anybody in America who was at all decent? That sucks I guess... but... you can't even entertain the thought that some Americans might not fit your stereotype? You've concluded more than one discussion with: "JUST BECAUSE WE SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE, DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE THE SAME COUNTRY." Profound, especially with that long-suffering 'seen it all' air that you give it, but it might have had more effect if it related to what we were talking about at all. For someone who loves travelling and experiencing different cultures soooo much, you seem strangely keen to dismiss them. And that orgasmic 'ughhhhhhhhh' you do when talking about Europe is kind of unattractive.
The second was guy who was fun to chat to and cute in a goofy gangly way, who started tagging along with our group. Someone said to me, "I think the only reason he's hanging out with us is because of you," and seconds later, said guy was like "PHOTO TIME!" and posed with a wet kiss on my cheek. Uh, good timing! But, a little too much wetness there buddy! Nice to meet you!
Being another football-group weekend, we had all this extra security which made it kind of annoying to have friends stay at the hostel. Friday morning I'd stood on the couch for extra height and warned the footballers about how there'd be a security guard at the door, so they couldn't bring back any 'friends' they might meet on the town (Wayne piped up with jokes about friends in skirts. Oh Wayne.) Well, guess who almost got turned away for not having a key card: old battered head boy! Guess who had to be summonsed by the security guard to verify whether BHB could enter the hostel: Wayne! Apparently Wayne was all grumpy about my role in the matter, which is surely fair enough, but frankly there's a big neon fuck you hostel sign in my head at the moment and if confronted by Wayne, I may have to start mentioning a few of the matters that I find unsatisfactory, too. I'll spare you a rant about the irritating qualities of some people and incompetence of others at the moment, but, yeah. This weekend I've had a real love-hate relationship with the hostel, more emphasis than usual on the hate. I was glad when Brian didn't accept any money from my friends this morning, quietly pointing out that 'other people' let their friends stay over for free quite a lot. Brian's a keeper.
It's now an acceptable going-to-bed time and I can put the dreary waste of a day to a finish. Although I'm sure I was more sleepy at 2pm, when I could have actually been productive. Man, uni work... *buries head*. I'm so good at making schedules for myself. I can plot a timeline for study like nobody's business. It's just when it comes sticking to these schedules that I struggle. When you're 5 hours or 2 days 'behind' a self-imposed schedule though, what do you do? I know: make a new one, with less work involved! It's a great exam revision technique, worked for PPL last semester! Wait: no it didn't.
--khere is chocolate for breakfast and bare feet in the halls.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
a fish-flavoured surprise
This weekend's footy groups were a little better than last. Well, I still have tomorrow morning to cope with, but hopefully they'll check out reasonably early or be so knackered that they can't be much trouble (I can hope). Live goldfish were swallowed, and the one English guy on the team (moved to Bendigo from Manchester) got incredibly soppy-drunk at me, but that's all the damage to date.
I guess the effect that alcohol has on a person has a cultural, or at least personality, component, but good lord, that English guy (whose name I don't even remember, therefore can't hide) reminded me so much of this freaking guy when he got drunk, a completely different specimen to the rowdy Aussie boys. He was actually a decent guy, and had made me think earlier in the day about the difference between a nice guy getting drunk and a person who was already a dickhead getting drunk. He complimented me for how I handled the group, and came by the desk a few times to tell me that he thought I was pretty and so forth. When all the other guys ended up going out, he stayed behind because he was so tired and couldn't hack their company (biggest mark of honour among footy groups, apart from swallowing fish and crapping unconventional places, it seems: not sleeping the entire weekend.) But then. BUT THEN. As his voice got more and more mumbly and slurred, he just turned into.... mush! He proposed that I join him in his room for a bit of fun, and when I declined, he got all mopey and philosophical about it. I didn't want to hook up with a drunk guy in a hostel room while I was 1. on shift and 2. in a relationship? Clearly, this was a deep insight into how I was a conformist who secretly wanted to break free!
"It's like, shho hard, innit. So hard. I can see you're like, how do I shhhay thiss, wiv'out offending you, you're like, you feel like you have to conform to what people think of you, you like to have everyfing planned... don't you just want to go nuts, eh? Lose control? I think you just need to give up control for once, just do someving a bit crazy, yeah but it's so hard innit... I can see in your eyes you wanna do it wiv me but you just feel you can't, it's so hard, so hard for us, innit... you got such beautiful eyes, you're shhho beautiful, I just wanna give you a bit of a cuddle and a kiss eh, why don't you come into my room..."
He would kind of drift off mumbling for long stretches of time, and I couldn't really understand what he was saying. There was one morose tangent that I caught when he was slumped on the other side of the counter about how he was just one more drunk guy for me, I must have heard things like this before and just let it wash over me, I'd put up with it at work and then just go home and laugh it off and never seriously think about it. Which: well, he wasn't wrong. And how could he distinguish himself, how could he let me know that we could be something really special, that he wasn't just another drunk guy? Answer: he couldn't?
Then I started feeling a bit bad, because I had enjoyed his company earlier in the day, I could believe that, sure, there would be more to him when he wasn't drunk. But: I had known him for one day. That one day, he was smashed. What could he expect? He was begging me to tell him what I thought of him, and I said I guessed he was a nice guy, and he was like wahhh is that all. I reminded him (not for the first time) that I didn't really know him and that he could be a totally excellent guy for all I knew. "Oh you're so honest, that's what I love about you. You're just such an honest girl. It's just so hard for our situation, innit, so hard for me sitting here at this bar wiv you just thinking that I'm some drunk lad like all the others, but at least you're honest eh, so honest."
Anyway, just like it was in reality, recounting this has gone from amusing to tiresome. The last I saw of him was after I came into reception to see him leaning over the counter, lips pursed. "Just give us a kiss, eh?" he asked, and I have no idea why he thought the answer would be any different than it was to any of his previous suggestions. Then, he kind of wouldn't shut up: "Come on, why not? Just a little kiss, eh? Just gi'us a kiss!" he whined. I sort of snapped at him that he was crossing the line and needed to tone it down. Then he stumbled off (hopefully to sleep) and we shall see tomorrow whether his devotion can last two days.
Anyway. So that we don't have an entire entry about that guy... I'm also:
- Loving Songs for Silverman, the Ben Folds CD I bought the other day. Actually cried at that Gracie song, much to DW's disgust when he learnt that it wasn't even 'that time'.
- 'Dog-sitting' for my aunties over the weekend, for their naughty brown short-haired pointer who's all like 'rrowwr. love me.'
- Relieved that my research assignment is due one week later than I originally thought it was. That means I was extra-virtuous spending those holiday afternoons at uni. I've probably negated whatever effect that had by proceeding to ignore it as soon as I found out the 'real' due date, but... I'll get back into it tomorrow.
- Really into cereal at the moment. Did you know you can eat it any time of day, not just for breakfast? Yeah, I knew it too, but I didn't really know it in an intimate sense until recently.
- Hoping that nobody enters my aunts' house before I do and sees the dim bedroom with messy sexed-in bed. They shouldn't, but... well, they better not.
- Happy that there are multiple episodes of Seinfeld screening on the new channel 'Go' each day. What can I say, I'm easily pleased.
--khere is always the first one to leave the shower.
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