For the first time in two and a half years I feel indecision. I feel like the trail that I've been following has petered out. Now instead of walking easily, I've got to make a decision. Do I keep hopefully bashing my way along the track? Take a detour through some scrub and hope that I meet up with a clear trail again? Find a different route completely?
It's like I'm surrounded by clear glass at the moment. Guys can see me, talk to me, flirt with me, dance with me, and even cop the occaisonal feel (I can only hypothesise that the glass disappears around the ass region when in busy nightclubs) but I'm not available to them. I'm exempt from 'the game'.
Most of the time I feel this is a good thing. I get one-off bursts of attention from various guys, but don't have to make a choice about where to take it from there. I don't have to try to impress, worry about being liked, or calculate the moves between 'I want you' and 'chase me'. I also don't have to be the bitch that says no. There's nothing personal, no guy can ever be offended - hey, nothing against you, but I have a boyfriend! There's your answer - it's a fact and not an opinion.
Two and a half years ago I received far less male attention. Five days a week I would don my overlarge school uniform and keep my head down. I enjoyed school, but I associated with my own group of friends and kind of ignored the rest - and 'the rest' included most of the popular people and the hottest guys, who intimidated me somewhat. While I wouldn't say I was 'invisible' - I was one of those geeky leadership types, organising community sports days and always on stage at assembly for acamedic awards - I was certainly only visible for my brains and personality, not my looks. On weekends, I wore an equally unflattering orange blouse in the nut shop and failed to attract the interest of, or muster interest for, any of the guys who I worked with or served. Underage events in Adelaide were at a minimal, and my friends and I never really got into attending random house parties - so at nights I would still only really see the same crowd that I hung out with during the week.
There are plenty of girls prettier than me today, but at some point in the last few years I guess I started to become visible for my looks. With attention came confidence, and not just confidence about my looks but confidence to be open with my mind and personality too. A growing faith that rather than trying to blend in, I can be myself and people would be attracted to that.
A fear of losing DW is not a fear that no other guys would like me - rather, it's that I would have a hard time finding a guy that I liked quite so much.
It's why I'm often glad for the clear glass - I don't trust or open up to that many people, really. In fact, you could say that I save all my trustingness and openness for DW. That's an instinctive thing, which I don't understand and can't justify. I can attempt to vaguely explain it by saying that DW is like a well that I can throw anything into... whatever I hurl his way, he will be able to understand it, deal with it. But really, he doesn't always understand everything. He doesn't deal with things better than anyone else - he's just human. Yet, it's somehow not about what he has been proven to do but what I trust he can do. I feel a level of security with him that I don't with many, or any, others.
There have, however, been a handful of guys in the last few years that have given me a little touch of that feeling. The feeling of, hey, I could imagine this going somewhere. I was thinking last night about those guys and realised the common factor - all of them valued my mind as well as my looks. Which is kind of funny - hey look, this is how you pick me up! There's no mysterious formula after all - just make a point of listening when I talk and I'm yours! It's still vanity.
It's also somewhat ironic:
I look attractive --> you're interested me --> you appreciate what's 'underneath' --> you get my body!
Anyway, I don't have much of a point to make. That's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I should be working towards.
DW and I (or, maybe just me) have been having some lingering issues about neediness. In all my other relationships I'm the need-meeter: the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the one who remains emotionally stable. I don't need my friends to listen to my problems or offer their shoulder - pfft, that's DW's job! They would probably do a much better job than DW, but some part of me is incapable of giving them that role. I save it for DW, then feel let down when he doesn't relish that position the way I would for him. That's the other thing - DW is less needy than I am, so I don't get to be the need-meeter, don't get to fill my 'natural' role in the relationship dynamic. I feel almost a bit cheated, because it's like - you haven't seen me at my best! Instead, you see me at my worst, and I feel like an imposition!
Sometimes I feel like the only way DW and I could be together long-term is to give each other some freedom first. But I've seen firsthand the heartache that friends have gone through when they are all like, 'Yeah, let's break up because I want freedom to travel and meet people and stuff. (Really I still expect you to wait around for me, if I don't find any other boys good enough)'. And then they don't find boys good enough and don't travel and want to go back to the one who they love, and find they can't, and there are tears galore. Yes, I've seen that.
When I have seen that, or hear people proclaim 'I could still see myself marrying so-and-so' while proceeding to sever their relationship with the person in question, then I think: If you love this person so much that you could imagine being married to them, why would you not want to be in a relationship with him? DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Maybe he doesn't make you as happy as you suggest? Maybe you just like the idea of a security blanket?
Gradually, it does compute.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Gyms, Work
I'm officially a gym member. Benefitness - the cheapest of the lot. I visited Fitness First, and they sat me down for something like an interview:
'These are the 4 proven reasons why people join gyms. Which one would you say you were? No, it has to be just one out of the four. I'll give you a moment to think about it. Ok, 'health'? Could you expand on that?'
'So you used to play netball. Now how happy with your level of fitness were you when you played netball? Would you say your goal is to get back to that? Or would you like to exceed that level? Ok, what timeframe are you looking at to Meet Your Goal?'
Fitness First did have awesome facilities, including electronic lockers, tiny fans on each treadmill and a huge group fitness room. Benefitness is more like, 'Eh. We don't have lockers as such, just dump your bag at the back of the class.' And let me tell you, there was no interview or even real orientation scenario. But, for $8.95/week, who's complaining? I have to pay a once-off extra to have a session where someone goes through all the machines with me and gives me a personal plan or something, but they did waive the joining fee and I figure its worth it anyway. So far I've mainly just been going to classes.
For the record: Fitness First was $22.95/week, $100 joining fee (which I probably could have got for $9, though) and a $70 'admin' fee.
Fernwood would have been my other choice - I've been there a fair few times as a trial member and it's a nice place - big tv screen in the cardio room, refrigerated work-out towels, complimentary toiletries, free breakfast, good aircon. It's also a good balance between 'whatever, join if you want' Benefitness and 'hey there KHERE! It's Evan calling from Fitness First! How's it going mate? Have you given any more thought to our membership offer?' Fitness First. But even the student discount membership at Fernwood (with no joining fee) would have been $19.80/week. Can I justify an extra $566/year for MusicMax and the comforting knowledge that, if I ever showered at the gym, I would have access to a hairdryer? Unfortunately I can't. Maybe when I'm one of those rich career women who has a different Portman's outfit for every day.
I've only done two classes at Benefitness so far - Circuit and Step. Big thumbs up for circuit. The first time was the worst, mainly because the instructor came off as kind of a bitch. She knew I had never done the class before. Without saying a word to me or anyone else though, she charged into the room with her g-string under tights and was all like 'Rawr! Let's get MOVING!', launching into aerobics moves straight away. The class is basically aerobics or whatever, but with short frequent intervals using the machines around the edge of the room. Well, that's what I came to understand after everyone latched themselves to machines, no thanks to her explanation. It reminded me a bit of playing 'musical chairs' as a kid - ladidah, da da, quickdive for that machine that you know how to use!
Today I did the class again with a different instructor who I found much more personable. The stuff we did in the non-aerobics part of the class was a fair bit different to the first time, actually - I wonder if they change it up a lot, or if it just depends on the instructor. We did push-ups and tricep dips today, and hello my chicken wings may be feeling that tomorrow.
As for the other class - Step. Well. Let's just say it inspired me to look up the 'Nine Types of Intelligence'. Hey, step-class members, you'll just have to believe me when I say that I'm quite competent at using my Linguistic, Inter-personal, Intra-Personal, Logical-Mathematical and even Naturalist, Existential and Musical intelligences! What's that? All I need for a step class are Kinesthetic and Spatial intelligences? Huh. About that. When God was handing out coordination I guess I thought he was giving out, er, mudcake. And asked for a small serve. Or whatever.
(Shut up. I totally could have proven my mad linguistic punning skillz there if I had wanted to.)
In other news, there's a brewing bitch-storm at work. One girl got fired and now everyones clawing for her shifts. Well that's one facet of it. Also relevant: the new award which means we have to get paid more next year, which means the business will have to completely redesign itself to manage the burden of wages. Also: the possibility of my cluey workmate 'A' leasing the business and the things he will change, namely the mindset of 'these are my shifts so I can sit on my ass and be rude to customers and not worry about losing hours'. Also: customer complaints about a certain staff member. Also: resentment at 'A' for wanting an equal share of hours now (he was on less before), instead of dividing the new shifts evenly among all staff members, good and bad. Also: is the manager playing a big lateral game of chess and picking off staff one by one so he doesn't have to fire people come the new year? Also: I'm technically owed money due to some weird legal thing - the collective agreement we worked under for 2 years was found void, so we say everyone was retrospectively paid under their previous agreements, except I didn't work there long enough to have a previous agreement. So I should have been paid under some ancient award for 'hostels' that housed people fresh out of jail. Which meant that I should have been paid penalties. Or something.
Got that? Work is full of excitement at the moment. And that's not even counting the guest who reckons he's in the mafia.
Anyway, I'd better get some sleep so I can handle that funhouse. Psst, don't tell anyone, but I've found a 'learn the moves' step video. If New Zealander Mark Nu'u can teach me the basics, I may be back in that class soon, improving my futness.
--khere is a nonsensical translation.
'These are the 4 proven reasons why people join gyms. Which one would you say you were? No, it has to be just one out of the four. I'll give you a moment to think about it. Ok, 'health'? Could you expand on that?'
'So you used to play netball. Now how happy with your level of fitness were you when you played netball? Would you say your goal is to get back to that? Or would you like to exceed that level? Ok, what timeframe are you looking at to Meet Your Goal?'
Fitness First did have awesome facilities, including electronic lockers, tiny fans on each treadmill and a huge group fitness room. Benefitness is more like, 'Eh. We don't have lockers as such, just dump your bag at the back of the class.' And let me tell you, there was no interview or even real orientation scenario. But, for $8.95/week, who's complaining? I have to pay a once-off extra to have a session where someone goes through all the machines with me and gives me a personal plan or something, but they did waive the joining fee and I figure its worth it anyway. So far I've mainly just been going to classes.
For the record: Fitness First was $22.95/week, $100 joining fee (which I probably could have got for $9, though) and a $70 'admin' fee.
Fernwood would have been my other choice - I've been there a fair few times as a trial member and it's a nice place - big tv screen in the cardio room, refrigerated work-out towels, complimentary toiletries, free breakfast, good aircon. It's also a good balance between 'whatever, join if you want' Benefitness and 'hey there KHERE! It's Evan calling from Fitness First! How's it going mate? Have you given any more thought to our membership offer?' Fitness First. But even the student discount membership at Fernwood (with no joining fee) would have been $19.80/week. Can I justify an extra $566/year for MusicMax and the comforting knowledge that, if I ever showered at the gym, I would have access to a hairdryer? Unfortunately I can't. Maybe when I'm one of those rich career women who has a different Portman's outfit for every day.
I've only done two classes at Benefitness so far - Circuit and Step. Big thumbs up for circuit. The first time was the worst, mainly because the instructor came off as kind of a bitch. She knew I had never done the class before. Without saying a word to me or anyone else though, she charged into the room with her g-string under tights and was all like 'Rawr! Let's get MOVING!', launching into aerobics moves straight away. The class is basically aerobics or whatever, but with short frequent intervals using the machines around the edge of the room. Well, that's what I came to understand after everyone latched themselves to machines, no thanks to her explanation. It reminded me a bit of playing 'musical chairs' as a kid - ladidah, da da, quickdive for that machine that you know how to use!
Today I did the class again with a different instructor who I found much more personable. The stuff we did in the non-aerobics part of the class was a fair bit different to the first time, actually - I wonder if they change it up a lot, or if it just depends on the instructor. We did push-ups and tricep dips today, and hello my chicken wings may be feeling that tomorrow.
As for the other class - Step. Well. Let's just say it inspired me to look up the 'Nine Types of Intelligence'. Hey, step-class members, you'll just have to believe me when I say that I'm quite competent at using my Linguistic, Inter-personal, Intra-Personal, Logical-Mathematical and even Naturalist, Existential and Musical intelligences! What's that? All I need for a step class are Kinesthetic and Spatial intelligences? Huh. About that. When God was handing out coordination I guess I thought he was giving out, er, mudcake. And asked for a small serve. Or whatever.
(Shut up. I totally could have proven my mad linguistic punning skillz there if I had wanted to.)
In other news, there's a brewing bitch-storm at work. One girl got fired and now everyones clawing for her shifts. Well that's one facet of it. Also relevant: the new award which means we have to get paid more next year, which means the business will have to completely redesign itself to manage the burden of wages. Also: the possibility of my cluey workmate 'A' leasing the business and the things he will change, namely the mindset of 'these are my shifts so I can sit on my ass and be rude to customers and not worry about losing hours'. Also: customer complaints about a certain staff member. Also: resentment at 'A' for wanting an equal share of hours now (he was on less before), instead of dividing the new shifts evenly among all staff members, good and bad. Also: is the manager playing a big lateral game of chess and picking off staff one by one so he doesn't have to fire people come the new year? Also: I'm technically owed money due to some weird legal thing - the collective agreement we worked under for 2 years was found void, so we say everyone was retrospectively paid under their previous agreements, except I didn't work there long enough to have a previous agreement. So I should have been paid under some ancient award for 'hostels' that housed people fresh out of jail. Which meant that I should have been paid penalties. Or something.
Got that? Work is full of excitement at the moment. And that's not even counting the guest who reckons he's in the mafia.
Anyway, I'd better get some sleep so I can handle that funhouse. Psst, don't tell anyone, but I've found a 'learn the moves' step video. If New Zealander Mark Nu'u can teach me the basics, I may be back in that class soon, improving my futness.
--khere is a nonsensical translation.
Friday, November 13, 2009
You say neurotic, I say erotic
It's official: Father Christmas is in town. He may be dehydrated and dripping with sweat inside his suit, but he's here!
It was pageant day today, and the hostel balcony was the place to be. Exclusive view, Wayne's shade contraption rigged up out of old sheets, cigarette butts swept away, and "rooly clever" disabled lift access. It was a fun atmosphere at work, although the collide of backpackers and kiddies was a bit exhausting.
I slept there last night, with DW giving me a ride into town. We, uh, well, let's just say there was more fun in the rm 6 'storage room' than there's been in a while!
Town tonight - this metaphorical hair is coming down, because exams are over yeooww!
I feel so glad when I hear people talking about assignments and exams they still have, and remember I can dismiss all those thoughts. Selfish but nice! I had another strangely freeing moment when some guy behind me on a bus was talking on the phone in a real serious sooky voice about his break-up. "I'm not saying she's defective, I'm just saying she needs to be better at prioritising." I decided I didn't want to be listening, realised that I had no obligation to, and put my ipod earphones in. The wonderful benefits of modern society!
Get scared much? You should probably stay away from Paranormal Activity. Actually it was awesome, but I'm not usually affected much by scary movies and this one I did find creepy. I got free tickets and went with DW, a lovely friend who I will entitle "L", and his pretty housemate "H". (damnit! I know too many 'H's!). It wasn't as jumpy-scary as I thought it would be, but a lot oogier. DW had a high opinion of it too, which I was glad about.
Also: Dog Boy, by Eva Hornung. Eegh. Read it. Dooo it *shakes*
Enough. Time for this dirty girl to shower.
--khere is a chalk-drawing melting on the road.
It was pageant day today, and the hostel balcony was the place to be. Exclusive view, Wayne's shade contraption rigged up out of old sheets, cigarette butts swept away, and "rooly clever" disabled lift access. It was a fun atmosphere at work, although the collide of backpackers and kiddies was a bit exhausting.
I slept there last night, with DW giving me a ride into town. We, uh, well, let's just say there was more fun in the rm 6 'storage room' than there's been in a while!
Town tonight - this metaphorical hair is coming down, because exams are over yeooww!
I feel so glad when I hear people talking about assignments and exams they still have, and remember I can dismiss all those thoughts. Selfish but nice! I had another strangely freeing moment when some guy behind me on a bus was talking on the phone in a real serious sooky voice about his break-up. "I'm not saying she's defective, I'm just saying she needs to be better at prioritising." I decided I didn't want to be listening, realised that I had no obligation to, and put my ipod earphones in. The wonderful benefits of modern society!
Get scared much? You should probably stay away from Paranormal Activity. Actually it was awesome, but I'm not usually affected much by scary movies and this one I did find creepy. I got free tickets and went with DW, a lovely friend who I will entitle "L", and his pretty housemate "H". (damnit! I know too many 'H's!). It wasn't as jumpy-scary as I thought it would be, but a lot oogier. DW had a high opinion of it too, which I was glad about.
Also: Dog Boy, by Eva Hornung. Eegh. Read it. Dooo it *shakes*
Enough. Time for this dirty girl to shower.
--khere is a chalk-drawing melting on the road.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Present, Soon, Not Soon Enough
NEAR FUTURE
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.
DISTANT FUTURE
My new daydream topic... Europe.
I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:
Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.
Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*
Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.
Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.
Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.
Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.
I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?
*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.
PRESENT
Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Update on the Love State
I suppose I'd better update from that last post. All is well.
We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.
I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.
What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.
I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.
(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)
While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).
K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."
(long pause)
D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"
K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)
Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.
"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."
(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)
DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.
"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"
I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.
We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.
I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.
What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.
I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.
(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)
While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).
K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."
(long pause)
D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"
K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)
Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.
"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."
(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)
DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.
"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"
I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wait - they don't love you like I love you
Yesterday, paraphrased.
1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.
K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.
H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!
K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?
H: "The night will be much poorer without you."
K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.
2:00 pm. Near H's street.
K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!
H: Have fun tonight with DW.
K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.
H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!
K: Haha no.
6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.
K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.
DW: Why's that?
K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)
DW: That's just how I am I guess!
K: Ok?
DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.
K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?
DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.
K: Ok.
K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.
DW: Thanks.
K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?
DW: Probably.
K: Hm. Ok.
DW: That pasta is really oily.
K: Yeah it is.
DW: ...
K: What if... what if it bothered me?
DW: The independence stuff?
K: Yeah.
DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.
K: ...
DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.
K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?
DW: A team? No.
K: Why not?
DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.
K: Isn't it?
DW: No!
K: Why not?
DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.
K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?
DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.
K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?
DW: No?
K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.
DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.
K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.
DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?
K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?
DW: What?
K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?
DW:...No...?
K: Really?
DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.
K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?
DW: Yes.
K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.
DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...
K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!
DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!
K: Alright whatever. Carry on.
DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.
K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.
[skip a few...]
DW: What's wrong? You look upset.
K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*
DW: Um...?
K: Don't stare at me!
DW: *stares*
K: *tears*
DW: I don't understand.
K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.
DW: Um...
K: Talk about something else!
DW: *says some silly thing*
DW: Do you want to leave?
6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.
DW: (gently) What were you saying?
K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...
DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?
K: ...
DW: ...
K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.
DW: That makes sense.
K: Sorry. I just get emotional.
DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.
K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?
DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...
K: yes yes.
DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.
K: *smirks*
...
K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.
DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.
K: Yeah?
DW: Yeah I guess.
K: You mean, what you think about me?
DW: Yeah...
K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.
DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?
My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.
Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.
I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.
DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.
"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.
Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.
"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."
We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.
"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."
Oh man.
"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.
Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"
"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."
He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."
I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.
"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."
"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"
"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "
Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."
"To dry up a bit?"
"Exactly."
"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.
Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.
Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.
It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"
Back to H, then called DW.
"There's something I want to tell you," he said.
"What's that?"
"I want to stay together."
"Oh?"
"I've done some soul-searching."
"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"
"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."
"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"
"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."
"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."
"We are together. No effective about it."
I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.
"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"
"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."
The end. For now.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'
1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.
K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.
H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!
K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?
H: "The night will be much poorer without you."
K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.
2:00 pm. Near H's street.
K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!
H: Have fun tonight with DW.
K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.
H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!
K: Haha no.
6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.
K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.
DW: Why's that?
K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)
DW: That's just how I am I guess!
K: Ok?
DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.
K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?
DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.
K: Ok.
K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.
DW: Thanks.
K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?
DW: Probably.
K: Hm. Ok.
DW: That pasta is really oily.
K: Yeah it is.
DW: ...
K: What if... what if it bothered me?
DW: The independence stuff?
K: Yeah.
DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.
K: ...
DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.
K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?
DW: A team? No.
K: Why not?
DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.
K: Isn't it?
DW: No!
K: Why not?
DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.
K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?
DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.
K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?
DW: No?
K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.
DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.
K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.
DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?
K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?
DW: What?
K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?
DW:...No...?
K: Really?
DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.
K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?
DW: Yes.
K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.
DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...
K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!
DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!
K: Alright whatever. Carry on.
DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.
K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.
[skip a few...]
DW: What's wrong? You look upset.
K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*
DW: Um...?
K: Don't stare at me!
DW: *stares*
K: *tears*
DW: I don't understand.
K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.
DW: Um...
K: Talk about something else!
DW: *says some silly thing*
DW: Do you want to leave?
6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.
DW: (gently) What were you saying?
K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...
DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?
K: ...
DW: ...
K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.
DW: That makes sense.
K: Sorry. I just get emotional.
DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.
K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?
DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...
K: yes yes.
DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.
K: *smirks*
...
K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.
DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.
K: Yeah?
DW: Yeah I guess.
K: You mean, what you think about me?
DW: Yeah...
K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.
DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?
My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.
Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.
I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.
DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.
"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.
Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.
"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."
We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.
"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."
Oh man.
"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.
Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"
"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."
He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."
I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.
"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."
"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"
"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "
Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."
"To dry up a bit?"
"Exactly."
"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.
Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.
Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.
It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"
Back to H, then called DW.
"There's something I want to tell you," he said.
"What's that?"
"I want to stay together."
"Oh?"
"I've done some soul-searching."
"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"
"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."
"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"
"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."
"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."
"We are together. No effective about it."
I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.
"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"
"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."
The end. For now.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A nineties haircut and a beaut spa
So ready for the summer break. I'm kinda pumped actually, because DW and I are going away together =) Don't know yet where, or for how long - this is DW we're talking about, so I'm thinking smaller rather than larger, but we are definitely in the affirmative about holiday plans, so yeah. Woot.
Between now and then = uni uni. Actually I'm chilled at the moment, in the eye of the metaphorical uni work storm (think swirls of paper and case names muahahaha). 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll be all done, and my exam (singular!) and legal writing assignment and german bits and pieces will be behind me. 3 weeks aagh! Or 3 weeks yay?
I'm thinking of joining a gym. It's a cheap one, "co-ed" but with a ladies weights room. It looks like a good range of classes and a good atmosphere, from the admittedly paltry amount of time I spent there. I've always resisted the idea of joining a gym because 1) Expense, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use; 2) I like being outside, and didn't want to substitute walking/jogging outdoors for being on a treadmill; and 3) Time, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use. But, with el-cheapo gymmo here, I figure the money-wasting is less of a concern. Also, I'm getting a bit bored *ahem lazy* with running, and probably won't have a whole lot more enthusiasm once the weather gets hot. While I like walking, it's better for relaxing than for fitness, and I don't want to spend my peaceful meanders thinking that I should be running.
In fact, I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark but it looks like the time has passed for such activities. It's gorgeous weather at the moment - that little sweet spot of the year where its sunny and breezy and all the colours look so clear. Warm during the day but not yet stinking hot. Fresh in the mornings, all that really pale sun and sparkly dampness at 7 am.
What else is new? My friend thought she had leukemia. Turned out she had tonsillitis! My other friend has uncovered quite a cheery attitude towards life, and enrolled in lessons to learn French. My other friend (that's three friends so far!) recently 'came out' to his mum, who apparently didn't believe him at first. His dad doesn't know yet, and apparently keeps saying to his mum about son's new love interest, "Maybe it's a boy!"
Speaking of gays, I had my hair done by an extremely flamboyant chap the other day. He admitted that he often forgot or didn't hear what people said, because he'd get distracted by hairdryer noise or background music. Indeed, he had to ask me a three time whether I want to get my fringe cut today. Nothing disastrous was done to my hair, but I wasn't hugely impressed. Also, they've refit my usual hair-place and now it's all fancy and uglified! There are too many bright lights and mirrors, and too much space. I hate shopping centre places that redo themselves just to more truly embody shopping-centre-ugly. I may have to seek a new hair venue for the future.
Well, I didn't really have a reason to write, and I believe that fact has become glaringly apparent. But hey, you got three entries in October. Lucky you.
--khere is a bit "av".
Between now and then = uni uni. Actually I'm chilled at the moment, in the eye of the metaphorical uni work storm (think swirls of paper and case names muahahaha). 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll be all done, and my exam (singular!) and legal writing assignment and german bits and pieces will be behind me. 3 weeks aagh! Or 3 weeks yay?
I'm thinking of joining a gym. It's a cheap one, "co-ed" but with a ladies weights room. It looks like a good range of classes and a good atmosphere, from the admittedly paltry amount of time I spent there. I've always resisted the idea of joining a gym because 1) Expense, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use; 2) I like being outside, and didn't want to substitute walking/jogging outdoors for being on a treadmill; and 3) Time, and I didn't want to risk paying for something I wasn't going to use. But, with el-cheapo gymmo here, I figure the money-wasting is less of a concern. Also, I'm getting a bit bored *ahem lazy* with running, and probably won't have a whole lot more enthusiasm once the weather gets hot. While I like walking, it's better for relaxing than for fitness, and I don't want to spend my peaceful meanders thinking that I should be running.
In fact, I wanted to go for a walk before it got dark but it looks like the time has passed for such activities. It's gorgeous weather at the moment - that little sweet spot of the year where its sunny and breezy and all the colours look so clear. Warm during the day but not yet stinking hot. Fresh in the mornings, all that really pale sun and sparkly dampness at 7 am.
What else is new? My friend thought she had leukemia. Turned out she had tonsillitis! My other friend has uncovered quite a cheery attitude towards life, and enrolled in lessons to learn French. My other friend (that's three friends so far!) recently 'came out' to his mum, who apparently didn't believe him at first. His dad doesn't know yet, and apparently keeps saying to his mum about son's new love interest, "Maybe it's a boy!"
Speaking of gays, I had my hair done by an extremely flamboyant chap the other day. He admitted that he often forgot or didn't hear what people said, because he'd get distracted by hairdryer noise or background music. Indeed, he had to ask me a three time whether I want to get my fringe cut today. Nothing disastrous was done to my hair, but I wasn't hugely impressed. Also, they've refit my usual hair-place and now it's all fancy and uglified! There are too many bright lights and mirrors, and too much space. I hate shopping centre places that redo themselves just to more truly embody shopping-centre-ugly. I may have to seek a new hair venue for the future.
Well, I didn't really have a reason to write, and I believe that fact has become glaringly apparent. But hey, you got three entries in October. Lucky you.
--khere is a bit "av".
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