Today

AFTERNOON

Guess what: Winter Clerkship! Yay!

There are only two firms in Adelaide that offer to second and third year students, and I will be working at one of them for three weeks in July. I'm pretty happy.

The one that I'll be with (let's call it Firm T) actually seems like the better firm, in my possibly biased opinion (I didn't even get to the first stage of assessment in the other one *cough*). Well, Firm T had a much more rigourous selection process - before we even saw the face of anyone in the company we had to answer all these questions about our communication style, personal interests, motivation, experience in non-law related fields, etc etc. One of their many application questions was something like, 'what, in your view, sets firm X apart from the others' and I wrote about how their thorough pre-selection questionaire showed what an awesome and detailed job they must do with everything, hahah.

There was then an 'assessment centre' thing which I was nervous about at first, because we were told it would be based around 'business scenario'. Aargh. Turns out the business scenario was not financial (which I feared) but administrative tasks. We had to work out as a group which hypothetical tasks to complete in which order if we were Person Y at a new company, and the action we would take for each one. It was stuff like: call Monica to reassure her of this, email Henry to plan for a presentation, prepare documents for Sally by the end of the day, etc. Plus do an individual writing task picking apart a bad contract.

I got through to the next stage which was a proper interview last Tuesday (with HR and a senior associate) and today I found out that I was one of the four people chosen for the job! I had a smile on my face that I couldn't shake for a while after that.

MORNING

I got to feel like a minda (or, let's say, tourist) this morning when I caught a train to the other side of town. I'm a bus girl, and had actually never been on a train in my own city until this morning. Had I lived in train-serviced suburb I may have been familiar before now with the station's walk-through ticket machines. You know, where you stick your ticket in, then the bars unlock, so you move through and grab your ticket where it pops out the other side? Yep, except apparently here the ticket doesn't do that travel-through-the-machine thing, it just pops in and out the same side. And then falls onto the ground. While you are already through and the gate has re-locked. So then you have to detour back around through the "family" bar-free booth to get your ticket off the ground, because hey, that's a multitrip.

Also: less-than-impressed by the train driver who sporadically mumbled the station we were stopping at. I situated myself near the station map so as to count the stops in between his announcements.

I was visiting a primary school with a deaf education unit, to research their perspective and compare them with another primary school. All went okay at first. I admit that when I asked his role and he mentioned he was an assistant principal, my initial feeling was woah! Big shot! Since when am I the kind of person to interview assistant principals and call them by their first name?

Unlike my interview with the first primary school, this man gave much more of a "linguistics lecturer" than "primary school teacher" vibe, going on about systemic functional grammar and metalanguage and so forth. We were almost done when something went astray. He asked me about the other primary school and I responded with probably more information than I should have (to do with an implied criticism of his centre) and I knew right after I said it that I shouldn't have. He seemed uncomfortable and annoyed, though whether at me or them I'm not sure, and wrapped it up curtly after that. Gah. From a confidentiality perspective it was a bad move, and probably tactless too.

Anyway, I sent him an email of apology that I began compose straight away on my (bus) ride back to town, and he responded kindly. All is all well, I hope. Eek.

LUNCH

I just want to mention the turning point between the bad-vibe morning and the good-news afternoon. I popped into the hostel to heat up some lunch, and had a nice chat with W and B. My visit also coincided with H's. H is a Chinese nurse who was a former cleaner/long term guest. W and I had put aside some mail for her recently, and she was excited to dicover that. H has, and I say this with affection, the most stereotypically squinty Chinese manner. She's around 40 years old and often wears a broad-brimmed hat with a drawstring underneath. When W pulled out a bundle of letters, she just about wet herself with excitement. "Ohhh, sank you W-! Sank you, sank you, sank you so mach!" She bobbled her head with each exclamation. "Ohh! Ohh!"

W started telling her about his grandson, who is only a toddler but big and tall for his age. H was loving it. "Ohh! I sink he is strong boy! He grow up vey big! Ohh!"

Overcome with excitement at seeing us again and retrieving her letters, H clutched my arm. "Wait here!" She ordered, and came back a few minutes later with a giftbag of chocolates for each of us. "You not here when I left! Only A- here! I no see you when I left!" Brightened my morning, H did.

A bamboo stick of thoughts

I think I've had this realisation before.
I cannot multi-task.
"Modern life" or whatever you want to call it, tempts us to multi-task, or maybe the better word would be multi-procrastinate. Normally I am the devil's advocate for anyone who claims the evils of today's society. But with this, I am on board with the naysayers.
Facebook. iPhones. Oh god, my iPhone. Everything 'more interesting' than the current task at hand is only a click away.
It was never impossible to procrastinate. There were always windows to look out of. Doodles to sketch. Daydreams. But now, with electronics and the internet, distractions are so close to the surface, so near. Got a spare second before starting law readings? How about you have a quick look at that new blog you found. Or, you know, read ALL THE ARCHIVES over an obsessive three days. Or that.
My habits haven't let me down in any major way. From an outsider's perspective I think I'd look like I was doing pretty fine. I have a good GPA. I seem to balance the different parts of my life well.
It's silly, to compare the 'success' of me-now to a me-as-kid. Small pond, big pond. But at the moment I miss feeling effortlessly capable.
This is from a passage about deaf children that I recently read for linguistics, that I wanted to skip back and read again and again:

"The normal hearing child has a constantly expanding linguistic experience and is constantly experimenting in his own use of it. He is bathed in language and we can safely trust that some of it will flow into channls of utterance." *

I don't anyone can produce their best at something until they're 'bathed' in it. At the end of listening to my con law lecture I tuned out and clicked onto facebook, because the lecturer had finished with the content and moved on to some kind of quiz about high court judges and historical moments. But, you know, (and I know this sounds stupid) when I was in primary school I dug that kind of stuff. I didn't separate the big picture from the facts I needed to know for the test. It was all knowledge, it was all interesting, and from being bathed in the big picture I ended up nailing the little picture stuff with no difficulty. Maybe I need to take some tips from my 11-year-old self.

It's not that I lack curiosity in general - it's the directing of my interest towards the topic at hand that I need to work on. I need to stop seeing my current uni work as stifling my interest for [insert obsession of the moment] and realise that its something I can engage with in itself.

And I do, sometimes. What begins as superficial 'work' often works its way into me, albeit slowly.

This is not the entry that I sat down to write. I was going to talk about pub crawls, lying in bed with DW, the awesomeness of limewire and new music, the affection I feel for the hostel and its 'characters' after hearing H describe situational mishaps.

Instead, I'll leave you with another passage.

"She could see it all so clearly, so commandingly, when she looked: it was when she took her brush in hand that the whole thing changed. It was in that moment's flight between the picture and her canvas that the demons set on her who often brought her to the verge of teas and made this passage from conception to work as dreadful as any down a dark passage for a child. Such she often felt herself - struggling against terrific odds to maintain her courage; to say: 'But this what I see; this is what I see,' and so to clasp some miserable remnant of her vision to her breast, which a thousand forces did their best to pluck from her. And it was then too, in that chill and windy way, as she began to paint, that there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father of the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs. Ramsay's knee and say to her - but what could one say to her? 'I'm in love with you?' No, that was not true. 'I'm in love with this all', waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children? It was absurd, it was impossible. One could not say what one meant." **

*M. M. Lewis, Language and Personality in Deaf Children
**Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

Sorry for the weird entry.

- khere was already the past.

Disrupting the Balance

Squawk squawk squawk.

I feel like that is what I am about to do.

If you have been following my conversations as of late (like, if you are my stalker, in which case this web page is the obvious thing to be reading), you might have noticed a recurring theme. Something like "So Rhino Room upstairs or downstairs?" followed by "What theme should I have for my birthday?"
Respective answers (but you already know them, if you're an attentive stalker): Downstairs, the cosier spot, with the rain-inviting beer garden! And Don't Know! (I have eliminated 'Traffic Lights' and 'Dress as me and the boyfriend' as potential themes).

After a mid-term break which I emerged from feeling like I needed another one to get done the uni work I had planned to achieve, these last few days have been remarkably productive. International Office! Humanities Office! Tutor's office! Mick's office at the Rhino Room! Office at the Courts Administration Authority! I've been seeing people, making those appointments, getting balls rolling. Woot.

Yeah, in fact I think I was only inspired to write this entry about that, so now that I've bragged I can probably stop writing.

No actually, the thought that was rolling around in my mind was something like this. My life is good right now. It's a comfortable place to live, a place that's open to promise and opportunities. That sounds cheesy, but its really kind of true. I feel lucky, and really do feel like these are the good years. Not that past years were bad, or that future years won'tbe better, but there's a good balance of the Myer-Briggs "P" (feeling happy having my options re. career and stuff still 'open', so I can get as much experience and follow as many interests as I can without having to rule anything out) with the "J" (feeling happy that I do have some sort of plan, and when I chip away to the core of that statemen, what I really mean is DW in my life).

I guess I'm worried that going to Germany will change that. That by sticking my hands in the current and breaking up the flow, I'm messing with a good thing.

In regards to DW at least, I know it'll change things and that's part of the reason why I want to do it. That sounds illogical, and quite possibly is, but my reasoning is something like: If I'm going to be with DW "forever"/"long-term" then I should travel now, because he won't be into doing that with me later (at least, not backpacker travel/extended stays/visits to countries that register beyond the first level in Smart Traveller). On the other hand, if I'm not going to be with DW in the long term then I should travel now, because otherwise I'd be sacrificing what I want to do for nothing. I.e. both potential paths --> travel now!

So, I've come to a sort of peace with that, and now it's not really DW I'm worried about. It's the horrifyingly fragile strings that hold my loved ones and I in health and happiness. What if by going away, I break those strings?

I know that's silly, that if bad things happen they'll happen whether I'm here or not. And yet.

A related topic is a question I had for DW the other day. "Do you think it's better to understand on an emotional level that bad things will happen to you, or just wait until they do?"

"You and your 'deep questions'," he said. "Uhm. You shouldn't let it affect your life, before things happen."

So staying awake late bawling my eyes out because bad things WERE going to happen to me and therefore a pretty likely bad thing would be for DW (or generic spouse) to die when we had a little baby or children, and I'd be all alone without a Life Ally and my baby kids would never know their daddy... crying about that because it's better to be emotionally prepared for it now, that's a silly thing to do? Right, sure. Just checking.

Well, that ended on a cheerful note, didn't it. In other news: H's 'Old Hollywood' party means I have an excuse to buy a nice dress, which means I am done with my self-imposed ban on spending in clothes stores, which means other items are sure to sneak into my wardrobe. Winter jacket, yay.

--khere is blacklisted in your mind.

Unequal weighting

Too much to say. Do I start with the bliz blaz, the Big, the sad?

BLIZ BLAZ

- Have been out to dinner 3 out of the last 4 evenings.
Friday: with mum's family. 'Cafe Bravo'. My cousin is pregnant with #3, woo! Not so mundane!
Sunday: with DW. The evening felt like a bonus, in that I woke up from a nap in what I thought was the morning, only to discover it was still 'last night'. 'Thai on Parade'.
Monday: with dad's sisters and that side of the family. 'Chopstix'. Turns out my aunt has not only met Oliver Sacks, but she interpreted a speech of his to a deaf audience, and has a whole heap of books about literacy in deaf children and stuff! Awesome resource for my linguistics research right here!

- On the topic of uni, it appears I've been accepted into the Arts Internship Program next semester, as I got an email suggesting that I should 'liase' with this woman after the break about a suitable placement. Yay =)

- Spent a somewhat bizarre evening at the hostel with M, drinking on the balcony in between my night and morning shift. He stayed over, sharing my room, and at some point in the night I *thought* he was being funny and trying to steal my bed (I had the double). Kicked him out, perhaps twice, half-asleep and unamused. Except, in the morning it appeared that that never happened, and either I was dreaming or he was bed-stealing in his sleep. So yeah. Fun times!

- Despite my late night at the hostel and the fact that I was woken up far too early by cricket and footy club guys returning from town, my 6 am trouble-shooting skills weren't bad. The white sheet on the stairs that was smeared with an ominous shade of brown was dumped in the washing machine with the kitchen rags and a large extra cup of detergent. The screeching lift alarm was fixed through skilful jabbing of the broken emergency button. The door to the disaster-zone bathroom was closed and marked with a closed sign. Ok, I didn't say I 'fixed' everything, but the people who I saved from venturing into that bathroom will never know what I did for them. Try not to have more alcohol than your digestive system can handle, folks.

- My soft touch with the disabled lift came in handy later in the day too. Wayne was decked out in a rain coat and wide brimmed hat and was running around with trolley-loads full of crates of bottles for recycling (that run-on sentence was totally a literary technique so you could appreciate the atmosphere). He called me from the bottom of the stairs where he was jabbing unsuccessfully at the once-again whining lift. "See if you can fix it! This lady's tried to operate it herself!"
I go down there and this blonde dazed-looking woman is standing there, all like "oh! sorry..." She has these two MASSIVE suitcases. She starts blathering about how she thought she could just use the lift, and as Wayne is heaving her suitcases onto the platorm (which I have now fixed and assembled for use, with the KEY that you need) she mentions that her boyfriend got "dragged off by the police" and that's why she's been "kicked out of the hotel room" and hence why she has so much luggage. "I don't know much about backpacker places," she says, still kind of vaguely. I then suddenly notice that she is seriously pregnant. "I'm having the baby in a week," she says, rubbing her belly. "Its a shame cos he'll probably still be in jail, my boyfriend, you know. Has to be in at least a week or something."
I nod and do 'oh? mmm.' noises as I slowly take the lift up stairs. Two guys come in and grin at me. "Can we ride on that?"
"Only if you want to go at this speed!" I say.
The woman tags along behind me. "You know, they really dragged him off. Was a bit scary, like. I hope the baby doesn't come early. I couldn't have it while I'm here. Yeah, hope he doesn't come early."
Me too, love!

THE BIG

It's almost embarrassing to read back how in every entry I've got a new plan for travel/life. But this one, this new thing is kind of the Real Deal, the Tell Everyone, the Apply-Before-Wednesday thing.
University exchange, to Germany.
I know. It had always been an option before. A few people had asked me if I'd thought about it, and I'd always said, oh well I've done something similar before. It's a lot of money. If I'm going to go overseas, I'd prefer to do more solid *travel*.
But then... I started to remember how it felt to be swimming in language. To be dissolved in it. How it felt to not understand, until the world slowly took shape in words and phrases around me. I remembered how big that high school exchange felt, and felt suddenly nostalgic for the intensity of feeling that was involved. Here I'd been with my world maps, lazily allocating 3 months of a year here, 6 months there. Those TWO MONTHS were pretty huge to me.
And then... I started browsing the Adelaide Abroad web pages, and researching partner institutions. I went to an information session. And there, I got: "You want to go to Germany? Awesome! The Baden-Wuerttemberg government might just give you a stack of money they call a 'scholarship' for no reason! But, catch is, you have to apply now! Second catch is, you might not find out that you get it until you're already on exchange! So, you wanna do it?"

I think I do. I'm sure I do. I wanna do it.

THE SAD

Well... there's no good way to say this. She was the mum of the girls that my sister and I grew up with, the girls who were the same age as us and epitomised everything primary school. The mum that carpooled for netball matches and helped E and I with our compering notes for The Festival of Music. The one who'd sit for a cup of coffee in our kitchen after dropping one of us home, who'd refer politely to using 'the facilities' before she left. The one who'd watch 'her boys' in a Crows match, who'd feed us Dunk-a-Roos after school, who once gave 13-year-old E and I a warning about boys and was a little taken aback when I chirped some comment about 'remembering to keep your knickers on!'

Back then, we were lucky, we were wholesome and whole, we didn't comprehend that it could be otherwise. E and I and our other mate were once the 'biggies', trotting together after school to the kindy where we'd pick up our sisters, the 'littlies.' She was one of the mums who made up the picture. She was one of our kind. She died, and her two girls are now girls whose mum has died. While our mum, our lovely healthy wonderful mum, just celebrated her birthday. It could have been us. I don't see E regularly anymore, though our sisters, those 'littlies', are still good buddies, in their last year of high school at different schools. I just wish those girls and their dad well on the most basic level. I can't believe their mum, their mum who was once very solidly alive and well, isn't here anymore. I can't imagine how they feel.

At this point in time...

The pace of life changes at this time of year. At first your body drag with the effort, unused to the speed. Before you know it you're buzzing and recharged. Then, just as quickly, overwhelmed.



I thought I'd give a brief wrap up of the State of Stuff.



WORK



Mad March. The month that swings me wildly between feelings of love and exasperation for my job. The best feeling is that of a hostel that's booked to the brim full of guests, who are all out enjoying themselves... elsewhere. Slightly less enjoyable: relentless demands of guests when I just want to close and get out of there, vomit stains on the wall and carpet when I walk in the next morning, personality clashes in too-full dorms, drunken Irish guys who insist on shouting the words along to 'Little Lion Man' at 6:30 am, fielding complaints about why the night staff didn't answer the phone, teetering on the wrong side of the how-full-is-full tightrope. Human error becomes critical. Got a voucher for tonight that we booked for Friday next week instead? Told us yesterday that you wanted to extend your accommodation, yet somehow nobody got around to making a note on the system? Oops! How do you feel about sleeping on the street tonight?

And things can only get more exciting: it's not even Clipsal time yet!

However, its invigorating in a way too, especially when you get it right. Carrying the baby upstairs for the stressed-out mum as she wrangles the four-year-old and his scooter. Hearing someone who'd presented at the counter with bed bug bites gratefully thanking you for your help after you breezily move guests from the room, wash all the linen and do the rest of her laundry for free, lend her the heavy-duty bug spray for her bag and call the pest control services. Realising that something like that would have once caused you stress, but now you take it in stride. Having someone say to you, after a long morning dealing with guests who were unhappy about the noise last night, interpersed with nagging from the guys whose iPod you confiscated to get rid of the noise (can't win!), "I just want to thank whoever it was that finally got those guys to shut up!" and being able to have a laugh with someone about it. Helping exceptionally friendly and appreciative Canadian guys with bookings, tours and directions around the city. Passing on the complaint about 'dripping mouldy food' to Victor - When he began to go off his nut about how it was just the fridge leaking, I successfully avoided hearing him rant by changing the tack to, "I know Wayne doesn't want to fix the leaks, but maybe you could move your bag to the bottom shelf - then nobody can blame you! Just trying to look out for you!" He sort of chuckled then, and was like "Ah, I understand. Complaint number fifty eh! I'm keeping a list!"

For all Victor's "quirks", I'm actually quite fond of him these days. It'll be a bit sad when we do finally seek the help of the Catholic church to find him more appropriate accommodation. Perhaps because Victor's such a pain when he's in a cranky mood, I find him strangely enjoyable when he's in a good mood. Lurking at the corners, he sees everything that goes on at the front desk, and is the only guest who I can tell really *sympathises* with the staff sometimes. An eyeroll at a tedious guest here, a request followed by a generous "-when you not busy," there.

"You here tomorrow?" he often asks, brusquely, peering through his lens-less glasses. If I say yes or no he responds with a nod or a sympathetic smile as required. Then he swings his bag over his shoulder and lifts one arm in goodbye. "See you next time!" He hobbles off to wherever it is that he goes, his ankles poking out at the bottom of never-washed jeans as he disappears down the stairs.

Last weekend was WOMAD, which stereotypically attracts the best kind of guest: those who are friendly, laid-back and somehow 'clean', jokes about dirty hippies aside. Clean in a way that old men, bogans and drunks aren't. Although there are still a few of those around.

Speaking of old men: Some well-dressed, grey haired gentleman booked into rm 23 before I started my afternoon shift yesterday. No worries. A little later, in my peripheral vision I see this person near the entrance to reception with unnaturally wide, drawn-on pink lips, broad shoulders, a tight dress and garish eye-make-up. Ok, someone who looks like a drag queen. Being Fringe time, there are a lot of interesting characters around, and because I am a dork I'm thinking "don't stare!" and preparing myself to not do a double-take when I see this person front-on (this is all within a split second). All guests are welcome, right? So I chirp, "Hello!" and give the drag queen a big welcoming smile. She/he sort of gives a faint eye-brow raise of recognition and scurries past reception. Looks like she's following - oh, looks like she's following the old man. Ah. Well. Isn't it nice when you find two unlikely friends like that.


Sometime later the man presents his room key to reception. Oh, he's checking out! He doesn't need the room for the night after all. Isn't it nice when something else just comes up! Meanwhile, his "friend" slips out the door. I ask him to return his linen, as is standard procedure. He puts up a fuss. "It's all there!" he says, meaning its all in the room. Yes, well if I'm going to have to touch those sheets I'm not bloody well making a trip upstairs to get them. You can bring your own semen-encrusted sheets down here, boy. Of course I don't say this. "Oh, that's strange that it wasn't mentioned when you checked in!" I say cheerfully, with an air of polite disbelief. "You actually need to return them to get your deposit back!" He grumbles some more then goes to get them. I guess when you're in a position to choose a backpacker's hostel as your den of hooker love, the lure of $10 is strong.


UNI


Looking like a good semester. Constitutional law, Lingustics (Language Learning), German and English (Modernisms). Lots of work but its all kind of different. I'm kind of planning to finish my Arts degree at the end of this year (well, by the end of summer school) so that if I want to, say, teach English in Japan then I meet the contract requirements.


LIFE

What else? H and S are back from India. H might be getting a job at the hostel which would be fun I think! I had a good chat with DW the other day about going overseas - I hadn't wanted to bring it up in case it caused problems before it had to, but I'm glad I did. He basically shot down a couple of my ideas (care work, outdoor kids' camps) and although I don't have to listen to his advice, I do value his opinion... and it also kind of helped me, because I wanted to make some decisions rather than try to 'do it all'. He was quite keen on the idea of teaching in Japan (i to i do contracts from anywhere between 2 and 12 months) and was even like, "I'll come visit you if you do that." Naw.

Winner of the 'air competition

Ten good things:

The Grace Emily on a Monday night: Open mic, eclectic decorations, sweet cider, and an elusive gathering of couch surfers which we never found. Meeting others instead - a guy from the UniSA Exchange Society who invited us to his upcoming house party that he was trying to "keep quiet" - only around 300 guests, all exclusive invites like us I assume. The English fellas we bumped into from the hostel, who filled me in with a bit of gossip from the last few days - I love talking about that world with people who know it too, because sometimes what happens in that building doesn't seem quite real once I leave. And the three mates who we spent most of the night chatting with, two of whom were down from the country where they worked on oil and gas rigs. Amusing guys. One of them was tempted to steal the moose head from the wall, but was stopped very promptly by not one but two Grace Emily staff. Go Grace Emily security!

Coming home to find a sleeping cat on my desk chair. Nothing says cosy like a sleeping pussycat.

Watching the Style Channel in pajamas with H and her sister. H knows all the shows. There's 'What I Hate About Me' where the surfer chick got a total life make over (learning to sleep better, getting over ex, new hair colour etc) in one day, 'Ruby', the overweight woman with the heart of gold, 'Clean House' and the best one, 'Clean House Comes Clean' where they reminisce about the previous episode of 'Clean House'!

The (500) Days of Summer Soundtrack, in particularly Regina Spektor.

Margaret Atwood.

The way DW jabs with concentration at the screen of my iPhone.

Cleaning my top desk drawer and finding that 4 icecream containers can fit perfectly in there and hopefully keep all that messy make-up, hair and jewelery stuff organised. Who needs fancy IKEA drawer dividers?

Looking through old photos to choose some for Mum's 50th. Weddings, babies, scruffy dogs in Christmas hats.

The Skyscanner website - browsing random dates and finding cheap flights between England and other places in Europe. Seriously cheap deals there!

Talking with H about our 21sts, both coming up in a few months. Looking forward to a few good parties!

--khere is the hero of this story, doesn't need to be saved

100 days within 6 months

...is the amount of time you have to commit to working for Active Assistance for the training course to be free.



Just talking to a British voice on the phone is giving me the itch to leave!



H is also keen to leave this 'bum town'. Hopefully we can coordinate some overseas travel together, when/if we both go. 3 things keeping me from caving to her requests and going on a trip now:



1. Uni. Semester starting soon, and if I'm going to plan to leave for 2 or 3 semesters then I don't want to miss any more than that, you know?



2. DW. Volumes could be written here.



3. Money. Well this is the main one, and perhaps the only real reason, because once I have the funds then I plan on dealing with #1 and #2.


"Dealing with". That sounds so harsh. "Overcoming the obstacles". Because a loving relationship is an "obstacle"?

I have finally managed to reconcile my two realities, into what sounds worryingly like a "life plan". I say worryingly, because naming a plan invites interference. However, it's better to have a plan than to have one side of my brain wondering about the logistics of when we have kids, at the same time as the other side of my brain thinks about leaving him. Because that's just confusing.

My end goal is to be with DW. With the knowledge that it's something that I've chosen rather than drifted into.

The first part makes sense, right? He's the best thing that I know. It might turn out that if I give myself a chance to find something 'better', I'll find it, but you know what? I think I'm pretty damn lucky. I think I understand when I hear people say, 'He's not Mr Perfect, but he's Mr Perfect-for-me.'

No, if I leave I don't think it'll be with the goal of leaving forever to 'find somebody better'. It'll be with the goal of coming back to what I suspect is the right man.

You could argue at me from both sides. If I want to be with him, why leave him? If I'm going to leave him, why bother saying how awesome he is and how I want to come back to him?

Here's the thing. DW was my first guy. I've never so much as kissed another (ok, one other). DW is the texting-in-between-classes, making-out-with-parents-in-the-next-room, eighteenth-birthday-party, cuddling-on-a-single-bed guy. At the other end of things, DW is the one I want to walk the dog with, furnish a house with, have a baby with. (You know what? When I thought we were going to break up, a while ago, I was in tears over the fact that he wouldn't father my children. That's, I don't know. Yeah.)

It's just the in-between stage that niggles at me. I don't want to jump from that first stage to the last, without anything else in between. I don't want to 'drift' into my life, I want to make a decision to commit to him, and an informed one at that. If I don't travel and have new experiences now for the sake of staying by his side I think I might come to resent him for that, and then nobody wins.

Aaanyway. Though well from done, this topic is premature. I shouldn't mention it to DW yet, since why stir trouble before you have to? If (when?) I leave, it wouldn't be for another year. A YEAR. That's a long time.

So. I've seen more movies since last time I posted. During uni time I'm notoriously bad for getting around to watching any movies - I tend to think, 'how could I commit to wasting 2 hours of my time in front of the TV! I'll just quickly check facebook and then get back to work' and then end up wasting 4 hours on the internet instead. So I'm happy to be getting up a reasonable tally here.

Bran Nue Day (seen with J) - bizarre! Huh. Made-for-TV, anyone?

(500) Days of Summer (downloaded by Dad)- good good. I liked the 'expectations' versus 'reality' split screen. Although, it caused me trouble when, after a moment of uncontrollable giggling while playing squash with DW, I tried to visualise myself taking the game seriously. Of course a split screen pops up in my head, with me being a squash star on one side and messing up serve after serve on the other side. That did nothing to curb my helpless giggles. I'll let you imagine which side of the 'screen' was accurate.

In The Loop - (seen with H) - funny, although you had to pay attention to keep up. Very British. Thumbs up.

A Serious Man (downloaded by dad) - weird. A bit too long. Not altogether bad, but not really... that good.

Dan in Real Life (borrowed from the library by mum) - nice film! Big nawws all round. Makes me want a big wooden house by a lake.

I'm going bowling tonight with my 'country' friend whose just gotten back from a month in Korea. Looking forward to it, we should have lots to catch up on. Will be good to see how the house party some other friends ended up after we left, too. (Now THAT was a good evening, complete with much Strongbow and chocolate licquer).

So, in short, it's time to eat some noodles and get moving.

--khere's kitchen rules.

Buff

Thanks to Christmas vouchers, generous Palace Nova offers, and my father's little downloading habit, I've seen a few movies lately:

The Lovely Bones (seen at the cinemas with mum) was bizarre. The part where the sister was in the murderer's house was thrilling and suspenseful, probably the best bit of the movie, but the end was just weird and felt a bit anti-climactic. Spoler: the girl's 'ghost' willed a killer icicle to knock the murderer over a ledge where he fell to his death. Really?

Sherlock Holmes (seen at the cinemas with H) was good, had a cool atmosphere to it (mm waistcoats) though felt long and a bit doze-inducing in the middle part. But maybe I'm turning into an old person who can't stay awake through movies. Further evidence of this tendency follows.

Up in The Air (watched at home with Mum and Dad) was also good, but I didn't expect it would be awarded so much acclaim. I mean, it was a good romantic comedy, and I like a romantic comedy as much as the next person, but 'best movie of the year', really? Then again, perhaps it made its mark in the final scenes, which I missed... a few pre-5 am morning starts and a too-comfy couch caught up with me because I did actually doze off during this one.

Avatar (seen in 3D with A and JY) started off good, dragged on the fighting scene way too long (embarrassed to say, another short doze may have happened, but I in my defence I probably could have slept through an hour without missing much) and then redeemed itself with a satisfying finish.

Invictus (seen with JG) was probably the best thing I've seen so far this year - sure, it was corny and predictable at times but it was easy to watch. Even though it was long I felt engaged every second, and everybody likes a happy ending. I liked that they showed the real people that the actors played, too - gosh, Morgan Freemon did an awesome job of playing Mandela. I had to look twice when they showed the real deal.
(Ok, so apparently South Africa didn't turn into a joyful harmonious land for ever after. Still. Nice movie.)

Transamerica (taped off TV) was interesting. It came a year or two ago so I won't bill it against Invictus for best viewing of the year, but I did enjoy it. For a movie with a controversial subject matter I can't really think of much to say about it: it just did what it did. Gender issues are always fun.

Soon to come... (500) Days of Summer, which Dad has downloaded for me.


I also recently read The Secret History (by Donna Tartt), which was the most addictive fiction book I've read for a while. I even bought it before reading it, which is not the way I usually roll. It was an $8 Penguin Classic, and I decided I should give the library a break and support cheap no-frills literature. I'm glad I did. The ending was a bit blah though. And I swear I thought Julian would end up being a more pivotal character. Oh well. Overall it was a good solid read.

Now I'm reading My Place (by Sally Morgan), which I began reading after finding it in the bookcase in Largs Bay and subsequently put on hold on at the library (there we go!). Haven't finished it yet, but it seems decent.

Garmin do you read me

I'm actually looking forward to going back to uni, although god knows I'll miss these empty days once I can't have them.

Because, guess what: I'm gonna rock with the organisation and shit this semester!

Yup! This is not those usual study resolutions that everyone makes at the beginning of the semester. You know, when delude themselves into thinking it will be easy to get up at 6:30 am and get a head start on the day's work, or plan for way too many hours that could be feasibly spent in the law library.

Like, see right here on my timetable where I have a whole three hours between lectures? Obviously that will be prime study time. Sure, I may take a stroll or eat a packed lunch but it's not like anything else will be taking up my time, right? It's not like previous semesters, when it's been frighteningly easy to sit chatting about non-law related things with friends, or log onto facebook on the library computers, or get up for multiple money-wasting excursions to buy coffee or lunch or look at the shops. How did I ever waste so many hours with that sort of rubbish? Not this semester!

And look at these days, where I don't have to be in town until 10 or 11 am. Imagine, I could do both exercise and law readings before I've even left home for the day! I hear there's a 6:30 Circuit class at the gym. Ah, not that I've ever been, but that's just because I'm yet to experience the supreme state of productivity that warrants a 6:30 gym class. It won't be long though. Come March, that'll be me.

--khere is a gold member

Guests

Victor: "When you have time, I need -" *holds out empty bowl of handwash soap*
Victor: "Tell me. How many are we?"
Victor: "Tell me. When he leaving?"
Victor: "Tell me. What is your rule on bed light. He always complain when I put it on, even though I have cover over it!"
Victor: "Tell me. Why we don't have camera in the room?"
Victor: *requires rubber band*
Victor: *requires plastic coin bag*
Victor: *requires torch batteries*

Victor: **long, bitter tale of woe about arguments over the bed light**
Me: (because I am trying to distance myself from V's many problems, rather than reinforce the idea that I am the one he can 'vent' to) "Well, that sounds annoying. But, that's for you two to work out. Part of living in a dorm room I guess."
Victor: "But mine is very dim! He wants me to use always my flashlight, eh? And when he wants to get up, he turns the big light on! Disturb everyone! Tell me, what is he allowed to do?"
Me: "I can't really make him do anything, especially not in the middle of the night. Sure that sucks. But, that's for you two to work out. Part of living in a dorm room I guess."

Victor: **long, bitter complaint about how we don't have adequate staff at nighttime**
Me: Well, we do have staff in the building. For emergencies. I guess it's up to them what they consider an emergency.
Victor: We used to have 24 hour reception! Under the old system! **long, bitter tale of woe about arguments over the bed light**
Me: If the night staff don't consider that an emergency, there's not really much we can do.

This goes on for a while.
Victor: So you're saying there's nothing you can do.
Me: *sad nod*

Rade: "PEN"
Me: *hands over pen*
Rade: "NO YOU WRITE"
Me: "What do you want me to write?"
Rade: "HUGGGHHERRRMARR" (something unintelligible starting with 'H', with an 'R' in it somewhere.)
Me: "How do you spell that?"
Rade: "I DON'T KNOW! DAT'S WHY YOU WRITE!"

Notes on the system:
Plz don't extend Rade. We kicked him out of Shakespeare.
Rade is up to his old tricks - sleeping on couch, hiding remote. Guests are sick of watching old movies all day!
PLZ DON'T EXTEND RADE. Guests have accused him of stealing their food.
Rade will pay on Thurs for 4 more nights. ref Wayne.

Nice guy: Rade's acting a bit weird.
Amit: Rade's fucking nuts.
NG: He keeps opening and closing the fridge. I think he's looking for something to eat. Maybe you should remind him that he can have some free rice.

This, I do. Rade is still in the kitchen, staring into the fridge. He has watery blue eyes, and has the demeanor of someone who has just fallen out of a spaceship into a foreign land and is both bewildered and unimpressed at what he sees here.
Me (kindly): Are you looking for something?
Rade: MY MEAL.
I remind him about the rice. The bewildered, unimpressed expression intensifies.
One of the Korean girls pipes up. "He looking for something," she tells me. "Someone take his food."
It transpires that he is looking for a yellow carton of milk, which looks identical to one already in the fridge, but is not that one. He has no intention to stop looking, and open and closes the fridge door a few more times.

Sometime later, I am sitting at the desk and Rade comes up to the counter. "I find my milk," he tells me, glaring. "One moment, it was not there, then I go away and it APPEAR again."
He stares at me for a moment. "Strange, ah?"
I say something about how he should just enjoy the fact that he has it now. "VERY STRANGE. Someone take it. Nothing safe here."

A few minutes after that, Brian comes to the desk and say that people have noticed Rade taking stuff that isn't his. "Some salt here, some bread here."
I roll my eyes and wonder if, when Rade "found" his "milk", he really means he "stole" somebody else's "meal".

When Rade's stay is finally up, I get him to check out with minimal hassle - just one short outburst.
"Can I stay one more night, and pay tomorrow?"
I tell him no, we are 'filling up'.
"FILLING UP AH? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT'
Smile and shrug!

Eventually he leaves, dressed in his best with a suit jacket and hat. He says, "Thankyou for the hospitality. You, but nobody else!"

Next time I am on shift, there is a note on the system:
Rade will stay 5 more days referring to Wayne. Then checking out for good.

Sigh. We'll see. Until then, more amusement!

A 2-minute "spot clean"

Points of note:

- Went to Kangaroo Island a few weeks ago on a free tour through work. Hot weather. Fun with Brian. Many Europeans. I was the only Aussie, and the palest-skinned of the group. Highlights: Sandboarding down Little Sahara on our 'Mr-Sheen-ed' boards, lying on the beach sharing Adelaide stories with the tour leader, hiking conversation with Brian, braving the waves at Snelling Beach. Downside: Actually, there's nothing I can complain about, not even considering it was a free tour. Although, it would have been nice if the air conditioning on the bus hadn't been broken... and if we hadn't become bogged in the sand on our night-drive. (Although, while the girls shivered and waited, I think the boys had the time of their lives ribbing the driver and getting together to dig holes around the tyres and push.)

- The following weekend, DW and I took our belated Christmas present to each other, 2 nights at a B&B at Largs Bay. Highlights: not for public display. Let's just say DW is becoming quite proficient in certain skills. But, the beach walks and Harbour Town shopping and snuggles in bed weren't bad either ;). Downside: the wind! Bad bad beach weather. The water was warm, but we couldn't relax or sit down without being whipped mercilessly by sand. Also, it was kind of expensive. But never mind.

- I've been going to the gym a fair bit recently, and so far keeping my goal of running 3x week. Yesterday DW and I went for a run together at Linear Park which was good. Having him there motivates me to keep going, I think. He reckons he looks more approachable running with a girl, which I tend to agree with. We passed another couple riding bikes who both smiled at us and after they passed we were like, 'foursome!'

- New thought: I think I'd like to combine work in the UK and travel. I'd still have to save a fair bit of course, but maybe not quite as much as if I just left from Australia. Plus I could maybe travel longer.

Ok, so new daydream-plan:

Mid July - September: Travel from Prague down to Turkey.
October - Jan: Work in England - maybe a live-in pub job?
Mid Jan - mid April: Work for PGL, an outdoor-activity company in England (I don't think I'd be able to save much here, but by all accounts it looks like fun)
May- July - More travel: Iceland, Denmark, Germany, Northern Europe?

Other thoughts: we just got an email at work from a company that offers 3 month live-in carer contracts in England, that recruits mainly travellers. The email was asking for a reference for a girl used to work at the hostel. I looked up a bit about them, and currently have a question mark over whether that sounds like something I'd want to do. I reckon it'd really depend on the person you were with - if the person were easygoing, involved in life (and perhaps young?) it sounds like it'd be a really good opportunity to settle in one place for a while and earn pretty decent money, but if you didn't like the person you were caring for it could be awful. You know, I kind of like the idea of doing something like that - it seems like it would be good experience. But I can't be away forever...

Although, I could be away probably 15 months while only missing 1 year of uni. Potential issue (with all of this)... DW.

The problem, or solution, is that I love DW... a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have him and I don't want to throw that away. On the other hand, I don't want to be in a position when I look back and regret not having done more with life, when I wanted to, and I could have.

Aaaanyway. Time for banana cake and more daydreams.

--khere is a mini vacuum cleaner used only for very special hand jobs.

The New Year's Edition

New Year's Resolutions:

- Run (3x week)
- Speak German at work

= So far so good! I ran three times this week, and spoke at least some German every day I was working at the hostel. With the German, it's crazy how simple it was once I begun. I can't believe I had the same resolution last year and was somehow too shy to ever put it into action. We get so many Germans, this time of the year, that I'm hoping I can keep practising pretty constantly. Not all of them want to speak German - many are here to practise their English, after all - but if they do want to then I'll give it my best shot. It's awesome when I actually get compliments on it - some Swiss guy was like, "I wish I could speak English as good as your German." !! No way !! And I loved it when I was in mid-conversation with a Canadian guy (in English, obviously) and some German came up told me that "Die Karte funktioniert nicht," and I just switched to talking to him about it in German. What I said was very simple, but the Canadian was impressed and all like, "How many languages do you speak?" With, you know, the implication that I spoke at least two. Made me feel ridiculously proud!

And the running - two of the three runs this week were over 30 minutes, so I'm pretty chuffed with that too. Usually I prefer to run outdoors, but I did my first longer run on the treadmill today and realised that the treadmill is a real option. After all, it's getting too hot to run outside a lot of the time, and since I've got a gym membership I might as well utilise it.

Note, though, that my resolution was to run 3 times a week, not go to the gym 3 times a week - if the gym can help me with the resolution, that's great, but I don't want classes or weights to replace runs. The classes are good for me too though, if in more of a 'step out of the comfort zone' way, and if I was inclined to make more resolutions then I might include them in there. But this year I'm going to be specific. Running, and German.

Two things that don't always feel natural or relaxing, but make me a happier person. Two things that, when done regularly, become easier, but which never reach a point of completion. Two things that give me the sensation that I'm grabbing onto my life and living it deliberately.

The December Edition

I'm very lucky. My family and friends are healthy people and happy people. Sometimes I realise how fragile it all is, how much of it really is luck.

We never know what's around the corner. I'm so grateful for the luck, while it lasts.

SAY IT WITH NUTS

Working at Arndale turned out to be a pleasant way to earn a few extra dollars before Christmas. The store was not busy in the slightest - seriously, these staff would have a heart attack working at TTP. This was bad for the company of course but dare I say, quite relaxing. I also enjoyed the fact that it was a small team. There was Midge (normally I don't use names but hers is so distinctive to her character that I must), who I had met but never known well before. She's the one who trains all the new staff and does all that 'See and Respond!' crap and I had found her tiresomely perky in the past. My respect for her has really grown. She comes across now as someone who is quite fulfilled in life, someone who throws themself into it and appreciates the small things. She's not afraid to say *nice* things to people which is a surprisingly rare quality, and one that I admire.

Also working at the shop was M, a very sweet guy who I could have talked to for many more hours that we had available. Guess what? He's married! Bahaha. Married crush.

Then there were the four 'newies'. Generally they were very good, and I didn't have any troubles leading them at all. I liked working with two of them in particular - one girl who was only just fifteen and had quite a good little business head on her, and another who had just finished year 12 and was the closest to my age. The other two weren't bad, but I think they might have struggled in a higher-pressure environment. Or actually, maybe shone. Who knows. I just know that when sales did gradually start creeping up, there was a few little *headpalm* moments. Like the girl who called up Midge at 9pm the night before her shift to say she 'didn't know what to do' because her friend had 'invited her to the beach' and oh boy, can I get a little guidance on this, boss? Or the other one who would stand there holding the sample bowl after I told her that we needed to fill gift packs before giving samples, and after I gently took it out of her hands and repeated myself and nudged her towards the gift pack boxes was like 'oh ok... so filling... baskets?'

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

I really enjoyed Christmas this year. On Christmas Eve I sold cheap booze on the hostel balcony and befriended a few new guests - honestly, if for some reason I didn't get paid for the extra hours, I wouldn't even mind. Christmas day was at our house, with us, Grandpa, my dad's sister and her partner, and DW. Then on Boxing Day we went to at Kristy's with my mum's side of the family, the 6 little cousins and 5 big ones. Good times.

JINGALABELL JINGALABELL JINGJINGALING LING

H is off today! To India, where she will be living and travelling with her man for two months (assuming she doesn't come down with Japanese Encephalitis, of course =P ) I saw her off at the train station this morning... then came home before anyone else was even up, and napped for another hour or so =P

PROCLAMATION DAY

I hereby proclaim that before I go out this evening there will be much time spent reading and watching TV (up to date with Survivor... maybe time to break open that Greys Anatomy that mum brought back from China). It's the beginning of my four (4!) days off, the longest break I've had in... a while. I will definitely appreciate it.

keeping it clean and staying on topic

Another seedy Sunday, another post.

- We put the Christmas tree up today.

- I now have an iPhone, at no extra monthly cost than what I was already paying for my old crappy handset.

- C's 21st was last night. At the Rhino room, very nice venue I thought. Cosy and fun, not too big.

- Her dad is an 'affable chap', in DW's words.

- DW met and became promptly 'enarmoured' with C's boyfriend, in C's words. The two of them talked at length about cricket and finance and whatever else.

- After the speeches, DW mentioned to me that he had 'kind of already started planning' a speech for my 21st. Naw. That's the side of him that I love.

- When we were trying to catch a taxi home, he was being an unhelpful grump. That's the side of him I don't like so much. I may taken hold of his hand in a more aggressive manner than usual. Then hit him when he pulled it away. What can I say, we were both drunk and irritated.

- I'm gonna be working at the nut shop again this Christmas - well, at one of the new 'outpost' stalls. The next few weeks will be busy. But more money, yay.

- I'm trying to save as much money as possible. I've never been 'bad' with money as such, but I haven't saved as much as I could have. If I want to go to Europe in 2011 (which, I do) then I will need to really save a lot. Goodbye food court, hello sandwiches using free bread from work.

- I want to sell a whole bunch of clothes on eBay, but I need to wait for my dad (with the benefit of his awesome feedback record!) to let me use his account and show me how to do things. My plan to do this was actually based on clearing out cupboard space rather than earning money, but hey: every bit counts!

- Went to a couch-surfing meet a couple of weeks ago at the Grace Emily. Fun fun. The week after I was feeling sick and wussy so I didn't go, but might head there again tomorrow.

- I'm so ready for Thursday, when new cupboards will be put in - the old ones were demolished and removed last Thursday, so this week all my crap has been in boxes and piles around my bedroom floor and the rest of the house. I hate living in mess. I don't see how some of my friends (well, one of my friends in particular =P) can live with a room that's permanently in such a state!

- Look, paragraphs getting bigger. We don't want that.

---khere had one midori too many.

Clear glass

For the first time in two and a half years I feel indecision. I feel like the trail that I've been following has petered out. Now instead of walking easily, I've got to make a decision. Do I keep hopefully bashing my way along the track? Take a detour through some scrub and hope that I meet up with a clear trail again? Find a different route completely?

It's like I'm surrounded by clear glass at the moment. Guys can see me, talk to me, flirt with me, dance with me, and even cop the occaisonal feel (I can only hypothesise that the glass disappears around the ass region when in busy nightclubs) but I'm not available to them. I'm exempt from 'the game'.

Most of the time I feel this is a good thing. I get one-off bursts of attention from various guys, but don't have to make a choice about where to take it from there. I don't have to try to impress, worry about being liked, or calculate the moves between 'I want you' and 'chase me'. I also don't have to be the bitch that says no. There's nothing personal, no guy can ever be offended - hey, nothing against you, but I have a boyfriend! There's your answer - it's a fact and not an opinion.

Two and a half years ago I received far less male attention. Five days a week I would don my overlarge school uniform and keep my head down. I enjoyed school, but I associated with my own group of friends and kind of ignored the rest - and 'the rest' included most of the popular people and the hottest guys, who intimidated me somewhat. While I wouldn't say I was 'invisible' - I was one of those geeky leadership types, organising community sports days and always on stage at assembly for acamedic awards - I was certainly only visible for my brains and personality, not my looks. On weekends, I wore an equally unflattering orange blouse in the nut shop and failed to attract the interest of, or muster interest for, any of the guys who I worked with or served. Underage events in Adelaide were at a minimal, and my friends and I never really got into attending random house parties - so at nights I would still only really see the same crowd that I hung out with during the week.

There are plenty of girls prettier than me today, but at some point in the last few years I guess I started to become visible for my looks. With attention came confidence, and not just confidence about my looks but confidence to be open with my mind and personality too. A growing faith that rather than trying to blend in, I can be myself and people would be attracted to that.

A fear of losing DW is not a fear that no other guys would like me - rather, it's that I would have a hard time finding a guy that I liked quite so much.

It's why I'm often glad for the clear glass - I don't trust or open up to that many people, really. In fact, you could say that I save all my trustingness and openness for DW. That's an instinctive thing, which I don't understand and can't justify. I can attempt to vaguely explain it by saying that DW is like a well that I can throw anything into... whatever I hurl his way, he will be able to understand it, deal with it. But really, he doesn't always understand everything. He doesn't deal with things better than anyone else - he's just human. Yet, it's somehow not about what he has been proven to do but what I trust he can do. I feel a level of security with him that I don't with many, or any, others.

There have, however, been a handful of guys in the last few years that have given me a little touch of that feeling. The feeling of, hey, I could imagine this going somewhere. I was thinking last night about those guys and realised the common factor - all of them valued my mind as well as my looks. Which is kind of funny - hey look, this is how you pick me up! There's no mysterious formula after all - just make a point of listening when I talk and I'm yours! It's still vanity.

It's also somewhat ironic:

I look attractive --> you're interested me --> you appreciate what's 'underneath' --> you get my body!

Anyway, I don't have much of a point to make. That's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I should be working towards.

DW and I (or, maybe just me) have been having some lingering issues about neediness. In all my other relationships I'm the need-meeter: the listener, the shoulder to cry on, the one who remains emotionally stable. I don't need my friends to listen to my problems or offer their shoulder - pfft, that's DW's job! They would probably do a much better job than DW, but some part of me is incapable of giving them that role. I save it for DW, then feel let down when he doesn't relish that position the way I would for him. That's the other thing - DW is less needy than I am, so I don't get to be the need-meeter, don't get to fill my 'natural' role in the relationship dynamic. I feel almost a bit cheated, because it's like - you haven't seen me at my best! Instead, you see me at my worst, and I feel like an imposition!

Sometimes I feel like the only way DW and I could be together long-term is to give each other some freedom first. But I've seen firsthand the heartache that friends have gone through when they are all like, 'Yeah, let's break up because I want freedom to travel and meet people and stuff. (Really I still expect you to wait around for me, if I don't find any other boys good enough)'. And then they don't find boys good enough and don't travel and want to go back to the one who they love, and find they can't, and there are tears galore. Yes, I've seen that.

When I have seen that, or hear people proclaim 'I could still see myself marrying so-and-so' while proceeding to sever their relationship with the person in question, then I think: If you love this person so much that you could imagine being married to them, why would you not want to be in a relationship with him? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Maybe he doesn't make you as happy as you suggest? Maybe you just like the idea of a security blanket?

Gradually, it does compute.

Gyms, Work

I'm officially a gym member. Benefitness - the cheapest of the lot. I visited Fitness First, and they sat me down for something like an interview:

'These are the 4 proven reasons why people join gyms. Which one would you say you were? No, it has to be just one out of the four. I'll give you a moment to think about it. Ok, 'health'? Could you expand on that?'

'So you used to play netball. Now how happy with your level of fitness were you when you played netball? Would you say your goal is to get back to that? Or would you like to exceed that level? Ok, what timeframe are you looking at to Meet Your Goal?'

Fitness First did have awesome facilities, including electronic lockers, tiny fans on each treadmill and a huge group fitness room. Benefitness is more like, 'Eh. We don't have lockers as such, just dump your bag at the back of the class.' And let me tell you, there was no interview or even real orientation scenario. But, for $8.95/week, who's complaining? I have to pay a once-off extra to have a session where someone goes through all the machines with me and gives me a personal plan or something, but they did waive the joining fee and I figure its worth it anyway. So far I've mainly just been going to classes.

For the record: Fitness First was $22.95/week, $100 joining fee (which I probably could have got for $9, though) and a $70 'admin' fee.

Fernwood would have been my other choice - I've been there a fair few times as a trial member and it's a nice place - big tv screen in the cardio room, refrigerated work-out towels, complimentary toiletries, free breakfast, good aircon. It's also a good balance between 'whatever, join if you want' Benefitness and 'hey there KHERE! It's Evan calling from Fitness First! How's it going mate? Have you given any more thought to our membership offer?' Fitness First. But even the student discount membership at Fernwood (with no joining fee) would have been $19.80/week. Can I justify an extra $566/year for MusicMax and the comforting knowledge that, if I ever showered at the gym, I would have access to a hairdryer? Unfortunately I can't. Maybe when I'm one of those rich career women who has a different Portman's outfit for every day.

I've only done two classes at Benefitness so far - Circuit and Step. Big thumbs up for circuit. The first time was the worst, mainly because the instructor came off as kind of a bitch. She knew I had never done the class before. Without saying a word to me or anyone else though, she charged into the room with her g-string under tights and was all like 'Rawr! Let's get MOVING!', launching into aerobics moves straight away. The class is basically aerobics or whatever, but with short frequent intervals using the machines around the edge of the room. Well, that's what I came to understand after everyone latched themselves to machines, no thanks to her explanation. It reminded me a bit of playing 'musical chairs' as a kid - ladidah, da da, quickdive for that machine that you know how to use!

Today I did the class again with a different instructor who I found much more personable. The stuff we did in the non-aerobics part of the class was a fair bit different to the first time, actually - I wonder if they change it up a lot, or if it just depends on the instructor. We did push-ups and tricep dips today, and hello my chicken wings may be feeling that tomorrow.

As for the other class - Step. Well. Let's just say it inspired me to look up the 'Nine Types of Intelligence'. Hey, step-class members, you'll just have to believe me when I say that I'm quite competent at using my Linguistic, Inter-personal, Intra-Personal, Logical-Mathematical and even Naturalist, Existential and Musical intelligences! What's that? All I need for a step class are Kinesthetic and Spatial intelligences? Huh. About that. When God was handing out coordination I guess I thought he was giving out, er, mudcake. And asked for a small serve. Or whatever.

(Shut up. I totally could have proven my mad linguistic punning skillz there if I had wanted to.)

In other news, there's a brewing bitch-storm at work. One girl got fired and now everyones clawing for her shifts. Well that's one facet of it. Also relevant: the new award which means we have to get paid more next year, which means the business will have to completely redesign itself to manage the burden of wages. Also: the possibility of my cluey workmate 'A' leasing the business and the things he will change, namely the mindset of 'these are my shifts so I can sit on my ass and be rude to customers and not worry about losing hours'. Also: customer complaints about a certain staff member. Also: resentment at 'A' for wanting an equal share of hours now (he was on less before), instead of dividing the new shifts evenly among all staff members, good and bad. Also: is the manager playing a big lateral game of chess and picking off staff one by one so he doesn't have to fire people come the new year? Also: I'm technically owed money due to some weird legal thing - the collective agreement we worked under for 2 years was found void, so we say everyone was retrospectively paid under their previous agreements, except I didn't work there long enough to have a previous agreement. So I should have been paid under some ancient award for 'hostels' that housed people fresh out of jail. Which meant that I should have been paid penalties. Or something.

Got that? Work is full of excitement at the moment. And that's not even counting the guest who reckons he's in the mafia.

Anyway, I'd better get some sleep so I can handle that funhouse. Psst, don't tell anyone, but I've found a 'learn the moves' step video. If New Zealander Mark Nu'u can teach me the basics, I may be back in that class soon, improving my futness.

--khere is a nonsensical translation.

You say neurotic, I say erotic

It's official: Father Christmas is in town. He may be dehydrated and dripping with sweat inside his suit, but he's here!

It was pageant day today, and the hostel balcony was the place to be. Exclusive view, Wayne's shade contraption rigged up out of old sheets, cigarette butts swept away, and "rooly clever" disabled lift access. It was a fun atmosphere at work, although the collide of backpackers and kiddies was a bit exhausting.

I slept there last night, with DW giving me a ride into town. We, uh, well, let's just say there was more fun in the rm 6 'storage room' than there's been in a while!

Town tonight - this metaphorical hair is coming down, because exams are over yeooww!

I feel so glad when I hear people talking about assignments and exams they still have, and remember I can dismiss all those thoughts. Selfish but nice! I had another strangely freeing moment when some guy behind me on a bus was talking on the phone in a real serious sooky voice about his break-up. "I'm not saying she's defective, I'm just saying she needs to be better at prioritising." I decided I didn't want to be listening, realised that I had no obligation to, and put my ipod earphones in. The wonderful benefits of modern society!

Get scared much? You should probably stay away from Paranormal Activity. Actually it was awesome, but I'm not usually affected much by scary movies and this one I did find creepy. I got free tickets and went with DW, a lovely friend who I will entitle "L", and his pretty housemate "H". (damnit! I know too many 'H's!). It wasn't as jumpy-scary as I thought it would be, but a lot oogier. DW had a high opinion of it too, which I was glad about.

Also: Dog Boy, by Eva Hornung. Eegh. Read it. Dooo it *shakes*

Enough. Time for this dirty girl to shower.

--khere is a chalk-drawing melting on the road.

Present, Soon, Not Soon Enough

NEAR FUTURE

Summer's almost here! I've decided I'll have to become nocturnal to best appreciate these next few months. Warm nights are the bomb. Last night, I really felt like doing something, considering I hadn't been out for a while, and next weekend will probably be devoted to studying. Fortunately I realised that I didn't so much feel like going to town as drinking in the comfort of my own backyard. This turned out to be a popular suggestion. DW and his two friends eschewed the pub in favour of drinking beer in the pool and having shirtless 'grappling' competitions. H was happy to make the 5 minute walk to mine instead of a trip into town since she had work in the morning, and the loving (or not?) couple hung out for a while before continuing their evening elsewhere.


DISTANT FUTURE

My new daydream topic... Europe.

I... wanna go there. Very vague plan hatching. Funds notwithstanding, something like this I reckon would be awesome:

Turkey - maybe Geckos tour.

Bulgaria, Hungary - hostels/couch surfing*

Germany - visit Milli and family. Berlin, East Germany.

Denmark - hostels/couch surfing.

Sweden - could maybe visit Isa? Otherwise, hostels/couch surfing.

Iceland - hostels/couch surfing.

I wonder how much money that would all cost? Estimate = a lot. But, you're only able to get a youth discount Eurail pass once, right?

*Intrigued by this concept. Don't know how much of a risk it would be - I assume the best way to go would be to book a night at an accommodation facility, then meet the 'couch-owner' for coffee or something, and if they're decent then cancel the bed elsewhere.

PRESENT

Yeah, my mind's pretty much ignoring this category. Maybe because the topics in the 'present' folder are something like:
- Exceptions to indefeasibility
- What are the implications of this judgment for future decisions?
- Do I need to listen to the week 9 lecture again?
- I like green highlighters the best
- I suppose I should study some german too
- Die Arbeit wird gemacht. Die Arbeit wurde gemacht. Die Arbeit ist gemacht worden.
- Breskvar v Wall established the principle of immediate indefeasibility in Australia.
- GTC...Underbelly... Ah. Fill in the blanks.
- Iceland omg I've loved the idea of the place since year four, hey look there's a friendly looking gay couple with a kid who live in a little village near the coast and 'definitely have couch', yes it would be good to get out of the main city and it looks like their place is accessible by bus. Even though they're men, the fact that they're gay and have a kid is reassuring I guess.
- I think the 8 day Geckos tour would be a bit rushed, then again would the 20 day one be too long? Depends so much on the people, could be awesome cos you have time to get to know each other better. But would suck if the group was bad. The trip notes look really good I have to say. I think Turkey would be a bit intimidating to navigate by myself, especially if its the first place I go to.
- So if I saved money this summer break and all this year, plus the summer break next year, could I save enough? I could take the first semester off uni and leave in like, April. Then by the time I got up to northern Europe it'd be like, June? Summer nights in Scandinavia! Omg how awesome would that be! I could even be back for winter school in Adelaide if I really wanted to catch up some uni.
- Uni... Crap! Exams! Present!

Update on the Love State

I suppose I'd better update from that last post. All is well.

We had a good talk about it. At first I wasn't convinced that DW wanted to stay together for the best reasons. Making the final call would have been largely his decision, and I imagine it would have been tempting for him to second-guess himself, knowing he'd have to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be with someone just because they're hedging their bets, too hesitant to change the status quo.

I still wouldn't be surprised if that was a part of it, but to be honest it would be a consideration for me, too. After all, it's hard to draw a line between 'scared of change' and 'knowing you have a good thing'.

What DW essentially said, was that 'flirting' with the idea in the back of his mind made it seem more tempting than it was. When the choices were laid out in the open, free for him to choose, it was easy to see what he wanted.

I'm at peace with things now. Sure, you could say that there is an element of wariness that wasn't there before, but I prefer to see it as hitting 'refresh' and being shown a slightly clearer image of the world. It feels like something's been scrubbed a little too hard, and now it's tender but clean.

(I did find it ironic that the very day after our 'talk', DW was hashing out his plans for us to live together. Slow down your mind, boy!)

While we were still tentative with each other, I said something about how I wanted DW to share his feelings more (beware: ooky relationship talk).

K: "I know there's things that I'm probably not good at, and I do try to improve. Both of us might have things that are just a continual work in progress, and that's ok. But, there's a difference between trying to be a bit more open, even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and in just being like 'nope, too bad, I don't care about changing'. If I feel like you're trying, I can tolerate a lot, but if you're just going to be determined not to share things with me... I don't think I can dig that."

(long pause)

D: "I'll... try to share my feelings more?"

K: (kind of inwardly chuckling, though whether at myself or him I don't know.)

Then, fortunately, he proved another one of my points by mentioning that after our walk, he was going to another nearby place with a few mutual acquaintances. The moment the words were out of his mouth, you could see his brain backpedal. "... but I didn't ask you because I thought you would be going to have dinner!" he said, seizing on the facts that I had moments before told him that I hadn't yet had dinner. It was kind of funny.

"Could you just maybe not have not-inviting-me as the default?" I asked.
"Okay," he agreed, ruefully. "I'll invite you out more, you can invite me less." *
"Deal."

(*In the interests of full disclosure, one of my self-admitted 'things I need to work on' is that, while being initially perfectly happy at the prospect of attending a social event without DW, I invite him even if I think he won't want to come, and when he does in fact, decline, I suddenly decide that it is absolutely necessary that he be there and get all upset and naggy. What can I say. We can't all be Mr Independent.)

DW has also decided to openly check out both females and males, in what is either a pre-emptive move to prevent me becoming jealous, or a chance to flaunt his 'other' side. "You feel free to point out any attractive guys or girls you see too," he offered.

"Between us, no specimen will go unappreciated!"

I think I'll wrap things up there. I'm glad we were honest with each other, and I feel like everything this point on is just that little bit more 'real'.

Wait - they don't love you like I love you

Yesterday, paraphrased.

1:30 pm. Sunny road. K and H walking.

K: Just like, when I send him a message wanting to be chatty, he'll reply with just the barest information that I asked. Or, instead of being like, 'I'm doing X, want to come along?' he'll just be like 'I'm doing X' or 'I'm doing X, what are you doing?' Maybe it's a guy thing.

H: I think its a guy thing. But how dare he not invite you to do the beep test with him!

K: Haha... ok yeah. Maybe not the beep test. I mean it's no big deal, just seems like he's been a bit distant lately. Or like, if he's going out and invites me, too, and I say 'I don't know yet, I might give it a miss', he'll just assume I'm not coming and not ask me about it again. I guess I don't want to be nagged, but... it would be good if he at least had a preference that I'm there?

H: "The night will be much poorer without you."

K: Exactly! Or even like, 'let me know if you decide' or something would be nice. I don't know.

2:00 pm. Near H's street.

K: Well I guess this is where we part ways!

H: Have fun tonight with DW.

K: I will I'm sure. It's not a problem, it'll just be good to see him properly.

H: ...Don't be too harsh on him!

K: Haha no.


6:15 pm. Primos. K and DW sitting in a booth.

K: I feel like I haven't talked to you properly for while.

DW: Why's that?

K: I don't know, I guess... (blah blah... see above.)

DW: That's just how I am I guess!

K: Ok?

DW: I don't like to feel that I'm being micro-managed.

K: ...Do you feel like I micro-manage you?

DW: No. That's why I'm going out with you.

K: Ok.

K: Hey, you can have my olives if you want.

DW: Thanks.

K: Do you think... if I wanted to do more stuff with you, or expected you to tell me more things about what you were doing, you'd feel like you were being micromanaged?

DW: Probably.

K: Hm. Ok.

DW: That pasta is really oily.

K: Yeah it is.

DW: ...

K: What if... what if it bothered me?

DW: The independence stuff?

K: Yeah.

DW: I guess... I wouldn't be happy, that it bothered you. But, at the same time, I can't change who I am.

K: ...

DW: I'm getting the feeling that something's the matter.

K: Would you say that, as a general thing, you should feel like you're part of a team when you're in a relationship with someone?

DW: A team? No.

K: Why not?

DW: Well a relationship isn't a team.

K: Isn't it?

DW: No!

K: Why not?

DW: A team is united towards a common goal. People in a relationship, are united because they like each other.

K: Ok. Fair enough. But aren't two people in a relationship kind of united against everybody else?

DW: Er... that's still not a team. A team is an organised identity that's trying to win something against another team.

K: Ah, ok. I get what you mean. Maybe I should use another analogy. You know that ad for Coke, where everyones in their own orange bubble on the beach, and then they all start partying together and the bubbles sort of morph into one big bubble?

DW: No?

K: Well you get the concept? You know how bubbles, they can be separate but if you put two together they can turn into one bubble.

DW: All I keep thinking of is the coke ad where everyones going 'schlubshschubschub' after drinking.

K: Ok well maybe it's not a Coke ad. Maybe it's Fanta or something. I'm sure you would have seen it. Anyway.

DW: You're upset because we're in two separate bubbles?

K: Yeah I guess you could say that. Or, another way of expressing the idea, corny as it is, is the idea of drawing a circle around yourself in the sand...?

DW: What?

K: Well anyway. Do you think that should be kind of like, an eventual goal of a relationship? To feel like you're on the same team, or in the same bubble, or circle, or whatever?

DW:...No...?

K: Really?

DW: I'm sorry, I just don't get the whole being a team thing.

K: Ok. Let me ask you something else then. Do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend and a friend you like to see a lot, apart from the having sex?

DW: Yes.

K: Why? Honestly there's no correct answer. I don't mind if you don't think there's a difference. Just curious.

DW: (slowly) No I do think there's a difference... with a girlfriend you're more united...

K: Ah! But you said a relationship wasn't a team because it wasn't united!

DW: No I said a relationship wasn't united towards winning something, like a team was!

K: Alright whatever. Carry on.

DW: With a relationship there's more than just the sex. You enjoy doing other stuff together too. If you were just in it for the sex, it wouldn't last very long.

K: What if you like to have a lot of sex.

[skip a few...]

DW: What's wrong? You look upset.

K: I guess... I guess I just have high expectations of you. *tears*

DW: Um...?

K: Don't stare at me!

DW: *stares*

K: *tears*

DW: I don't understand.

K: Let's just talk about something else for a sec.

DW: Um...

K: Talk about something else!

DW: *says some silly thing*

DW: Do you want to leave?

6:40 pm. Civic park. Windy.

DW: (gently) What were you saying?

K: Just that I... I have high expectations of you...

DW: And that makes you burst into tears why?

K: ...

DW: ...

K: I guess I have the expectations that I would have of someone who was my, you know, ideal match. I don't even realise that I do, until something about you bothers me, and then I kind of think, 'why get upset over something that? he's just some guy you're seeing at age 20.' But I guess, I don't see you as just that random guy, I see you as something... more than that. And hold you to the standards of something more. And when I get upset and say that my expectations are too high, it's because I recognise there's not necessarily a... a reason to expect that you're something more. Kind of brings me down from fantasy land.

DW: That makes sense.

K: Sorry. I just get emotional.

DW: I think maybe... you have this ideal, and you try to fit me into that ideal.

K: Probably. How do you mean exactly? An ideal of a guy?

DW: You know those toys you have when you're little, where you try to fit shapes through holes...

K: yes yes.

DW: I suppose its like that... some people will fit better into that 'hole' than others.

K: *smirks*

...

K: I've felt this way before though, and then the next time I see you it's, you know, awesome, and I wonder what I was worried about.

DW: I know what you mean. Same for me too.

K: Yeah?

DW: Yeah I guess.

K: You mean, what you think about me?

DW: Yeah...

K: *takes DW's hand* Do expand.

DW: I guess it goes back to what your mum said?

My mum had said that it was good to see other people and that I shouldn't settle down too early. Ok, I'm going to have to speed things along here, because we haven't even gotten into the car, where the majority of our discussion/tearfest took place.

Essentially.... it became clear that we both envisaged some sort of break/break up, at some point in time. DW earlier than me. Wow. Wtf.

I spoke of the idea of going overseas, perhaps to Taiwan. I guess part of the reason that appealed to me was that you get your 'break', your stint of single life and free hookups, while at the same time it remains separate from your 'real' life. The idea of being single in Adelaide - of regular life, of having DW still around, just not with me - doesn't overly appeal.

DW said that he might regret not - for want of a better phrase - 'playing the field'. He could understand what I meant by wanting to do things like travel when I had the chance to, even though it wasn't travel that interested him. "Do you think we've run our course?" he asked. I guess, for him, there was no reason to wait - no degree to finish first, nothing to keep what was in the back of the mind from creeping forward.

"I feel like I'm at a crossroads," he said.

Tearfully, I asked that we not do anything rash, because after all I hadn't intended at all for a mention of his curt phone messages to become - to become something like this. I thought of H joking that I shouldn't be too harsh, and imagined telling her that we had ended up breaking up.

"I know you didn't intend that," he said. "But it seems like we've both been thinking of it."

We drove around the western side of town, and talked of what it might be like, to... you know. "Would you have any view to getting back together?" I asked.
He said he wouldn't want an 'arrangement', but wouldn't rule it out - 'the door never closes'.

"If we... if we broke up. Would we just, like... never see each other again?" I asked.
"Well I'd hope that we'd still be friends."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Unless that would be too hard for you, I guess. But I'd want to. I mean, even if we end it, the fact still remains - we've had a lot of good times together already. And... we were each other's firsts... in a lot of ways. We'll always have that."

Oh man.

"I just think I'll find it a lot harder to adjust to being single than you will," I said, all snuffly, as we were driving up Grand Junction Road.
He was quiet, trying to think of something to say. "Well -" he said hesitantly. "I hate to say it, but you're probably right."
"Of course I'm right!" I said. "That's why I said it."
"Maybe I'm just wired funny?" he said.
"I just like having somebody there," I said, mournfully.


Parked in his driveway, we kissed. It wasn't the best kiss - my lips were all funny from crying. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too," I said. Well, that's what I would have said if I could speak properly. He was stroking the back of my neck. Squeezed my shoulders. Cuddled me. "Are you okay?"

"Put it this way... you cuddling me isn't going to make me any better."

He mumbled something like, "I'm just trying to not be such a crappy guy."

I started kissing his neck, lots of little kisses like a chain down the slope of his shoulder. "I do love you," I said, speaking more clearly than before.

"Now you've made me tear up," he said. "I hope you're happy."

"Well you can't be completely cold and unemotional!"

"I know, but normally I don't express it like this... "

Eventually, he gave me a last little goodbye kiss on the lips."Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll just drive around the block before I go home."

"To dry up a bit?"

"Exactly."

"We'll talk again really soon, okay?" He left the car.

Then... it was funny. I was so upset when I left his place, but by the time I got home, I'd started thinking, well, this might not be such a bad thing. A long summer at the hostel... lots of cute fellows passing through... warm nights on the balcony... hello single life. I imagined changing my facebook status to 'single', and having all these guys sit up and take note.

Then, I sat on my bed and called H, and started getting all tearful again. I told her what had happened, then got a 'beep' of somebody messaging me.

It was a voicemail from DW. "Can you call me back when you get this?"

Back to H, then called DW.

"There's something I want to tell you," he said.

"What's that?"

"I want to stay together."

"Oh?"

"I've done some soul-searching."

"Ten minutes of soul-searching?"

"I've had half an hour! Anyway, isn't that a good thing, that I decided quickly? I thought I should tell you sooner rather than later."

"Yes... yes I suppose it is a good thing... I appreciate that." I was quiet, tearful again. "What were you thinking about?"

"About how much I like you and... that I don't think I could feel that way with somebody else."

"Well... I'm not going to walk away from you if you're saying 'stay with me'. We're... we're still effectively together."

"We are together. No effective about it."

I called H back soon later, to tell her what he'd said. We had a chuckle over the ten minutes of soul-searching.

"Guys are douchebags," she said. "I mean, I like DW, but what a douchebag!"

"I just think, like... won't it become an issue again a few months down the track?" I said. "But I'm glad we talked about it."

The end. For now.

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

Is it weird that I'm thinking I should 'reward' DW for being open and honest, by not breaking up now? That conversation in the car - both being open and honest, listening to each other, trying to forge an understanding - that was what I meant by being a team! That's all I want. For DW to let me into his head-space every once in a while. Not just when he wants to break up with me. Now that he's saying, 'let's stay together', I'm tempted to play Devil's Advocate and go, no you're right, there are these issues, what about them? But then, it doesn't prove much to say, 'You should speak your mind like this more often and not be scared of the consequences of doing so - but now that you've spoken it, you can't take back what you said grrr you were totally right, we're done!'